A Thankful Post a Few Days Late

Thanksgiving was a few days ago.  If this is any preview for the holidays, they are going to suck big time.  But with family, and some wine, I think I can survive them.  Plus I have this huge plan for the month of December that might make me feel better this year.  I wanted to do big things last year and never followed through.  This year, I just might make it happen.

 Anyway, on Sunday I went to a Friendsgiving and we were instructed to write down 10 things that we were thankful for.  We laughed, we cried, we toasted.  But it was nice to sit with my closest friends and share what I am thankful for every day.

1. I'm thankful for my health.  I'm on an ever present roller coaster ride but this year, the ride hasn't been horrible.  And for the first time in years (knock on wood....) I have yet to end up in the hospital for any sorts of time except to visit my mother.

2. I'm thankful for patience.  While I have little patience most of the time, I haven't acted out in my many thoughts of screaming at mean people or annoying coworkers.

3.  Food, especially nachos.

4. Pictures to remind me of all the great memories.

5. And my family which includes the friends that have turned into family.  I have leaned a great deal on them in the recent years of my life but nothing compares to this year.  My mother and brother have been my rock.  My work friends and Milford family have seen ugly sides of me and still loved me regardless.  And every single person who has text messaged me, stopped by, called or reached out in some way, it means the world to me.  I lost one of the most important family members in my life this year, and I am especially thankful that I had him in my life for 26 years.

I'm a firm believer in constantly telling those around you how thankful you are for them daily.  It shouldn't just be a once in a year thing.  I think we should always tell those we love how much we love them, including tons of hugs every day.

Friday Five

1. I caught the eight o'clock show of Catching Fire with Emily and Liz.  Basically, it was amazing and I'm not just saying that because I loved the series.  Gone was the shaky camera angles that plagued the first movie.  And in turn, we saw each character's story grow deeper.  Also, it doesn't hurt that Jennifer Lawerence is beautiful.

2.  Friendgiving this Sunday.  Wonderful food.  Great drinks. And even better friends.  What more could a girl ask for to end a week.

3.  Love letters.  Not only do I look forward to getting them, but sending them makes me really happy.  I love knowing that a letter will hopefully bring a huge smile on my friends faces.

4. Catching up on with old work friends over dinner.  After a really crappy reason to get together with former coworkers, to be able to go out for a quick meal was refreshing.  

5. Buzzfeed articles.  If you don't find at least one article upon looking up the website you enjoy, then I feel sorry for you.  I mean who doesn't love lists?

Love Letter to the World

There are times that I almost hear my dad telling me to smile a little more.  To laugh at something or to make some sort of joke that everyone in the room is avoiding.

With the holiday season rearing it's head from hiding earlier then ever this year, I can't help remember where I was a year ago.  I wasn't in a great place because I didn't understand why I had to go to the hospital again and be on all sorts of medications again.  

Plain and simple?  I was tired of it all.

So I came up with a mission to write letters and leave them in the hospital.  For those people who had to spend time in the hospital for whatever reason.  For the hospital staff who has to work long hours and are sometimes the only source of entertainment for patients.

Did I ever proceed with this mission of mine?  No. 

I called to find out how one can make this happen and they basically told me it's not possible.  And that one door slamming in my face brought my whole resolve to a screeching halt.  Instead, I turned to my friends, and sent them letters and cards for the holidays.

This year?  I want to send my love letters to people who have experienced some sort of pain in their life so they can smile for a small minute. I want to send letters to those people who I care for to let them know I love them.  And spread a little love and smiles during this holiday season.

Because that's what the holidays are all about right?  Sharing love with those around you.

A New Normal

I have been thinking a lot about this blog.  About the title of it. About the description of it.  And why I began this blog in the first place.

When I started this in 2010, I didn't want the repeated answers of family and friends questions about my condition.  My blog was a way for me to share all my medical problems and vent with all the problems I faced at such a young age.  For most of my blog, I was questioning what I was going through and why it took forever for me to be diagnosed with colitisis.

As the years went on, I embarked on my new normal.  This included taking medications daily instead of being the "healthy" girl who only took medication during headaches.  It was regular blood work and being on a first name basis with most of my doctors and the people in their office.  This also included the highs and lows of having this disease that many people are not able to see.

Since May, I have another new normal that I have been trying to navigate.  The new normal of not having my dad around.  Most times I fail at the attempt of surviving the world without my dad.  Sometimes I believe he is looking down on me and smiling at the woman that I am.  But other times, I fear that I'm not being strong enough to make him proud.  Silly, I know because my dad was proud of everything I do.  But he was always my biggest cheerleader and I want to make him proud of the woman that I am and how hard I am trying to float in this new normal.

I'm sure this all doesn't make sense.  Dad used to joke with me that most of my posts were just rambling about a whole lot of nothing.  But I haven't changed how it has always been.

If you are willing, I'm still navigating through this New Normal of mine and I plan on documenting that journey a little better.  I hope you will join me in this crazy ride and see the life I want to lead that will make my father happy.
 

There are times that I think about that day and it honestly takes my breathe away.

The pain comes in, and I can't stop every moment from that day replaying in my mind.

Every day I miss you more.  Sometimes, I hear your voice cheering me on and every day I hope I make you proud.

But more then that, every single second, I wish I could have you back in my life because this pain is not something I'm ever going to get used to.

Miss you pops.

Let it Be.

One of my greatest fears is getting a flare up due to my ulcerative colitis and unfortunately, it seems like I'm in the midst of one now.

There are some diseases or conditions that people suffer every day that we don't know the type of struggle they face day in and day out.  Every time I hear of someone with the same condition as me, a part of my heart breaks because I know the pain they can suffer if their medications don't work. 

At the current time, mine seem to be failing me.

Unfortunately, this means that I often have to justify the pain of eating because I need to enjoy the taste of the food rather then avoid it and deal with the hunger pains.  I have to deal with the looks of concern from my mom whenever I have pains in my stomach that makes me need to pause a show we are watching.  And I have to be a rock of strength during the especially tough times because I don't like having this condition be a weakness.

A few weeks ago, when my face broke out like crazy, I found out that I was on some "big" medications for such a "young girl".  Not going to lie, those confessions from the nurse practitioner and another doctor scared the crap out of me.  These medications that wear down my immune system? Yeah, not very much fun.  The medication that makes me tired all the time?  I love not being able to work a normal nine to five job without being exhausted by the end of the shift.

Ulcerative colitis is something I would never wish on one of my enemies, let alone to anyone I love.  I am lucky to have a great support system whenever these lows come around to try and make me smile, and forget just for one moment that I am not normal.

 

Thankful Thursday

I saw on girl meets life a wonderful idea.  I have believed for some time now that we should all take a small break in our on the go lives to look around and be thankful for the beauty that is in on lives. With the difficult past four months, I think in order to move forward, stating what I'm grateful for is the best idea.

Getting emails from the universe every morning.

Hugs from my mother and brother.

Unexpected letters from friends....and writing them to those I love.

A strangers kindness and smiles, especially during difficult days.

A reemergence of summer.  

Justin Timberlake tickets. 

It's the little things in life; especially those things that make my day a little easier. I'm beyond thankful for the amazing people in my life.  If I have learned anything recently, I am surrounded by beautiful people who love me unconditionally.