Love You More.....

Yesterday marked 1 year since I last heard your voice Daddy and I still feel lost without you.

Every day I miss you more then any words can explain.  When good things happen and when bad things occur, I reach my phone to text you.  Imagine the pain when I remember you are not around to give me advice anymore; that you are not there to encourage my dreams, or celebrate my achievements.  

365 days. 

Most days are long and sometimes I feel like I will eventually wake up from this terrible nightmare.  Yesterday showed me as much as I wish this was a dream, it's a new reality.  A reality I would never wish on anyone.

Last year, this world lost one of the best men that I have ever known and I was blessed to call you my father.  Our family's world crumbled and we have been struggling to regain some sort of footing ever since.  I truly believe the world lost a bit of it's sparkle because you left this life.  

Thank you Dad for making me into the caring, saracastic, hard working woman that I am today.  You taught me so much in the 26 years I was blessed to have you in my life and I am still learning from you every day.  Thank you for teaching me that I am stronger then I give myself credit for, even though I wish you were here to encourage me every day.  

I don't think there has been a day that has gone by that I don't think of you or miss you.  I hope I make you proud every single day, that's all I wish every single day.  I want you to know it's a struggle to face every single day, but I am a warrior for you.  I smile and treat people with respect like you taught me to.  

You were the best man I have ever known and I miss your smile, your sarcasm, your laughter and your daily advice on how to conquer this world.  I still can not believe it's been 365 days and I miss you every single day.

Love you more.

Thank You

This year I have been truly blessed.

Yes, this is an odd statement coming from me especially after 2013.

Over the past few days I have been thinking a lot about all the people who have been there for me during those dark days.  And those people who do everything in their power to make me laugh or smile.  The people who make me feel light again.

I have to believe my wonderful angel has placed certain people in my life.  The people who have pulled me out of my shell when all I wanted to do is hide.  The people who tell me what a beautiful soul I have.  The people who have cared for me even with a simple hello or smile or a heart text message because they woke up in the middle of the night thinking of me.

It's hard to believe that most of the people who I'm close with today were barely in my life last year.  These people I consider family, who I know will be there for so many years to come.  I'm so grateful for these friends, who continue to deal with my tears, and sadness, but also my complete joy and happiness when I'm around them.  I'm grateful for the people who continue to support me even after those scary, early dark days.

I can not put into words how grateful I am for all the loving support I have received over this past year.  I always knew I was blessed from the support I had throughout my many hospital stays, but the overwhelming love that we have gotten has been unreal.

To the friends and family who read this:  Thank you so much for the love you have sent me throughout this difficult journey.  For the cards and the letters and the well wishes.  Thank you for the countless hugs, for the dance parties when I didn't want to feel all the feelings.  For the patience with dealing with me especially on the days that I become way too quiet or was feeling really down.  The patience to hearing more stories about my dad then more people could tolerate.  Essentially thank you for being you, and for helping me along this weird long little journey that I ahve started down.

 

Five Steps Back

Yesterday was a tough day.

Not that I don't miss Dad every day. But yesterday was the most difficult day I had in a while.

Mom and I were talking about informing people about what happened to Dad.  

And right there I balled my eyes out.  Because I miss him.  Because I don't get how people don't know.  And because I'm actually terrified to run into those people.

Next week is my birthday and I don't want to face it.  I will no longer be the age that Dad last knew me.  It's mind boogling to me.

The hard days take me back a few days.  I just don't want to be the strong one anymore.

Things Happened in 2013

I saw someone do a blog post on what they did in the year 2013. 

I love lists.  I especially love best of lists.  So here we go...

In 2013, I....

...went on a cruise on one of the biggest boats in the world.

...went to some amazing concerts with some of my favorite people.  Big shows or small shows.  I couldn't complain.

...interviewed with Yale and while I didn't get it,  I interviewed.

...established a small family with a wonderful group of ambitious people who I couldn't be more thankful to have in my life.

...watched my best friend get married to the love of her life.

...lost one of the most important people in my life.  I miss my father every single day but I am so blessed to have had him in my life for 26 years. 

...DID NOT END UP IN THE HOSPITAL THE WHOLE YEAR!!!!!

Here's to finally ending this overall miserable year where my life was changed completely but I am still moving forward trying to stay positive.

Happy 2014 everyone.  Here's to a year filled with positivity, love, laughter, health and amazing friends.

Love Letter to the World

There are times that I almost hear my dad telling me to smile a little more.  To laugh at something or to make some sort of joke that everyone in the room is avoiding.

With the holiday season rearing it's head from hiding earlier then ever this year, I can't help remember where I was a year ago.  I wasn't in a great place because I didn't understand why I had to go to the hospital again and be on all sorts of medications again.  

Plain and simple?  I was tired of it all.

So I came up with a mission to write letters and leave them in the hospital.  For those people who had to spend time in the hospital for whatever reason.  For the hospital staff who has to work long hours and are sometimes the only source of entertainment for patients.

Did I ever proceed with this mission of mine?  No. 

I called to find out how one can make this happen and they basically told me it's not possible.  And that one door slamming in my face brought my whole resolve to a screeching halt.  Instead, I turned to my friends, and sent them letters and cards for the holidays.

This year?  I want to send my love letters to people who have experienced some sort of pain in their life so they can smile for a small minute. I want to send letters to those people who I care for to let them know I love them.  And spread a little love and smiles during this holiday season.

Because that's what the holidays are all about right?  Sharing love with those around you.

A New Normal

I have been thinking a lot about this blog.  About the title of it. About the description of it.  And why I began this blog in the first place.

When I started this in 2010, I didn't want the repeated answers of family and friends questions about my condition.  My blog was a way for me to share all my medical problems and vent with all the problems I faced at such a young age.  For most of my blog, I was questioning what I was going through and why it took forever for me to be diagnosed with colitisis.

As the years went on, I embarked on my new normal.  This included taking medications daily instead of being the "healthy" girl who only took medication during headaches.  It was regular blood work and being on a first name basis with most of my doctors and the people in their office.  This also included the highs and lows of having this disease that many people are not able to see.

Since May, I have another new normal that I have been trying to navigate.  The new normal of not having my dad around.  Most times I fail at the attempt of surviving the world without my dad.  Sometimes I believe he is looking down on me and smiling at the woman that I am.  But other times, I fear that I'm not being strong enough to make him proud.  Silly, I know because my dad was proud of everything I do.  But he was always my biggest cheerleader and I want to make him proud of the woman that I am and how hard I am trying to float in this new normal.

I'm sure this all doesn't make sense.  Dad used to joke with me that most of my posts were just rambling about a whole lot of nothing.  But I haven't changed how it has always been.

If you are willing, I'm still navigating through this New Normal of mine and I plan on documenting that journey a little better.  I hope you will join me in this crazy ride and see the life I want to lead that will make my father happy.
 

There are times that I think about that day and it honestly takes my breathe away.

The pain comes in, and I can't stop every moment from that day replaying in my mind.

Every day I miss you more.  Sometimes, I hear your voice cheering me on and every day I hope I make you proud.

But more then that, every single second, I wish I could have you back in my life because this pain is not something I'm ever going to get used to.

Miss you pops.

Best Friends Make the World Go Round.

Ladies and gentlemen.

This weekend, my very best friend is getting married.  And I could not be more excited for her.

I have known Stacey since I started school.  I remember sitting next to her in the circle, maybe because we were sitting in alphabetical order. I introduced myself, and was quickly told that I couldn't be her best friend, because a girl named Amanda knew her longer.

And all these years later, we are all still friends.  

Stacey is my sister in all sense of the word.  We have complained about countless guys, and I'm sure there have been tears.  There have been countless nights out which has started to include alcohol as we grew up.  The most special part of our sisterhood is that no matter how much time passes that Stacey and I don't talk to each other, we pick up right where we left off; chatting away like two little girls from all those years ago.

I remember the day that Stacey brought Brett over to meet everyone.  We were having a party, and Stace was so nervous to introduce Brett to my Dad because she was introducing him to her other father.  And my dad.....God he loved Stacey.  He was so happy that she was getting married.  He couldn't wait to make the journey to New Jersey to watch his other daughter get married. 

I can't wait to see my very best friend, and sister get married this weekend.  I am so honored to watch Stacey marry her best friend and be part of her very special day. 

To Stacey, who I know is one of my number one readers:  I know you are going to make the most beautiful bride.  My dad is going to be right there, watching you with a huge smile on his face.  I love you tons.

Miss You

The past three weeks, I have been putting one foot in front of another in kind of a fog.  I can not imagine life without you at every turn with some sort of helpful hint or just a twinkle in your eye.  To give me a hug when I had a hard day at work, or when I'm not feeling okay, and telling me that everything will be okay.

The past three weeks have been miserable without you.

Yesterday, I went to visit with Dad and I just sat there and cried.  I'm sure I looked like a lunatic, but I'm okay with that.  I realized a little too late on my journey to the cemetary that I didn't bring any tissues.  I was a plain mess on the walk back home.  It was good to have a conversation with him though.  I miss talking to my dad the most; those were some of my favorite conversations.

Today was my first day back at work, but I'm going to slowly work my way back into the whole interacting with customers thing.  To be completely honest, sometimes it felt as if it was any normal day after a holiday, with nothing out of the ordinary.  But then other times, I wanted to sit in the corner and just cry because I missed him so much.  Then a regular customer, whom I didn't realize knew about Dad, said he was sorry to hear about my father.  It felt as if someone kicked me in the stomach and my whole breath was taking away from me.  I think it's going to be that way for a while, when someone mentions his name and I can't believe I won't actually see you again.   That these people who say they are sorry to hear about this great man that they didn't ever have the pleasure of knowing baffles me.

I'm still wishing for a nightmare.  I would give anything to go back to that afternoon and change everything.  To hug him when I got out of work.  To tell him that I love him and how lucky I am to be his daughter.  And to just hold him tighter, because I truly miss my best friend.

 

I Miss You.

My world stopped on Monday, May 13 2013 around 4:30.

I wish I could explain how empty I feel.  I wish I could explain the pain it is to lose not only your best friend, but your father as well.  My heart was ripped out of my body last week and sometimes, I don't think it will ever be replaced.

I really wish this was all a bad dream.  That tomorrow I could wake up and Dad would be sitting in the living room reading the paper and telling me that there was no Powerball winner and how he changed his spreadsheet for his winnings.  I wish I would get text messages from him in the middle of the night to tell me what channel his favorite movie, Friends With Benefits was on.

I wish I could tell him that I loved him more.  I wish he was making dinner when I was coming home from work and tell me all the different things he did in the garden.  I wish I could see him interact with Mom and saying how much she "hates him" with the sparkle in his eye because he knows for a fact that it is far from the truth.

I wish he was here to hug me when I'm feeling sad about silly people who have hurt my heart or when I have a bad day at work.  I wish he was here to encourage me everyday that I can do better at life, and to encourage me that I should go after my dreams.

I'm so lost without my father and it's only been two weeks.  I cry at the most random times, and just wish he was here all the time.  Tonight, I almost text messaged him to tell him something, I can't remember what exactly, but I had to physically stop myself because I know he won't be able to read it.  Sometimes I think about all the things that he's going to miss in my life.  If I ever get married, or have kids.  Or when I find that job that I absolutely love.  And my heart breaks even more knowing he won't be there to smile at me, or crack jokes.

My whole world stopped that Monday and part of me isn't sure if it ever will really start over again.

To put it simply, I've always been on the other side of the bed.  I have always been the one reassuring everyone that I am okay, sometimes lying a little bit because you don't want your loved ones to worry even more about you.  I've always been the one who has been bored out of her mind at home while everyone else is living their lives.  I've been the one who sleeps to pass the time instead of watching countless reruns and the clock slowly pass.

Being on the other side sucks almost as much as being stuck in that bed recovering.  I constantly worry about Mom.  I worry that she's pushing herself too much or if she is comfortable.  I worry that she'll start to do things that she shouldn't (cough Mom you need to stop doing that...cough).  I worry that I'm not doing enough to help her out.  And I worry that I'm not doing enough to help my dad.

My mom is strong and so is my dad.  But it's still scary when I don't know how to help them.  I know Mom is going to have her good days and her bad days.  That's what the recovering from a major surgery calls for.  There are times though, I wish I could take all of this away so they didn't have to deal with it.

I just want one year that my family doesn't have to worry about recovering from medical problems or hospital visits.  I want one normal or boring year.  Weird request right?  But honestly, that sounds magical to me.

State of Grace

I'm a lucky girl.  Yes, I know this statement may seem very weird coming from a girl who just returned from the hospital with the news that she has two blood clots in her leg.  But I'm lucky because I have amazing friends, family, coworkers, and even acquaintances who really just want me to get better.  This whole network of people who have reached out to myself, my parents, or even my brother to send well wishes and words of encouragement.  It's mind blowing.

I have always tried to be truthful in this blog and I'm going to try my best in this post.  When I went to the hospital the other day, I was so fed up with my stomach.  I cried to my dad that Monday night asking why does this particular stupid stomach problem have to happen to a girl who loves food.  And I mean LOVE food.  How many girls do you know who has a food bucket list?  Not many.  But I cried because my stomach hurt.  I cried because I have to put my parents through this. I cried because I keep having to answer the "are you okay" question that is necessary for those who are concerned but gets tiring for those who are the ones being asked.  And I cried for the fact that I will never be one hundred percent healthy again for the rest of my life.  This colitsis this affects so many people, and I just need to buck up and deal with it.

So going to the hospital to get this whole thing squared away......I was pumped.  Never in my life did I think that I would have to go through that whole winter fiasco again.  But here I am, with my leg up and the size of my thigh (okay, that may be a little understatement, but it is pretty swollen).  

This time though, the whole thing feels different.

I'm stronger then I was that December/January; I mean I'm still walking, even if it's a little painful, I'm still walking.  I would like to think I have a little swag in my step now.  If someone knows of a cane that we can pimp out, then you know where to find me.  Plus, I don't plan on just sitting around and letting the world go on around me.  I plan on living life no matter what, and not hide in a shell.  Unlike last time, I'm trying not to feel sorry for myself and just think "It happened again; now let's deal with it."

I'm not going to lie to you all.  I am not happy this has happened to me and this time around we are demanding answers.  I'm going to find out why I keep getting blood clots because two at the age of 25 is a little much don't you think?  And the pain in the leg sucks, along with having to get those stupid shots in my stomach.  Sorry Dad that you have to do those again by the by.  But I'm going to keep my head up high and the smile on my face bright because there is no way in HELL I'm letting this thing beat me again.

I did it once, and I will do it again.  With the biggest support system in MY corner, cheering me on every single step I take and every meal I'm able to eat without being in pain.

My Absolute Everything....

This weekend I had the pleasure of celebrating some very amazing people in my life.  Friday was Mom's birthday.  We went out for drinks with our neighbor Joe and his daughter and son in law.  We ran into an old neighbor and she cried and cried when she saw how grown up Chris was and my parents for the first time in years.  Then we went out to dinner at Kumo and had a lot of fun.  Hibachi can be a very stuffing experience and I look forward to our yearly trek there for Mom's birthday.



Today was Father's day and I got to spend some time with Dad.  It was a beautiful day weather wise and we got to go on some errands this morning.  Dad wasn't too happy upon hearing about the picture I took when he was sitting on the outdoor patio while we were at the store.  Only for the fact that he didn't know I snapped it.  Bazinga, Dad, Bazinga.  He laughed when I went to give him his card because I lost the damn envelope, but he used Chris's card as he was dying laughing at my huge blunder.

I am glad I got to spend quality time with the people whom are always there for me regardless of what I do.  My family.  Dad, Chris, Mom and I had some really good laughs, especially at dinner on Friday.  I don't say it often to them, which is a downfall of mine, but I really do love them.  I am proud to call them my family every single day because they are such amazing people.  They change the world every day without even realizing they do.  Guys, I love you.  Thank you so much for always standing by my side even when I am at my worse.  You take my good and bad sides, even when I don't seem to deserve the  love you so openly give it.  Love you.  So happy to be stuck with you for the rest of my life.