Mamma dukes has been home for a day now and I can already tell she is going stir crazy.  And let me tell you, she is such a rockstar.  Not even joking.

When I went to visit her on Thursday, she had already been walking around.  Yesterday, she got released from the hospital, got home, and had to walk that long long pathway to the front door and the even longer distance up the front stairs.  Now for those who don't know pain, it's like a mile when you are in it.  And she did traveled that distance with grace and a silent determination that honestly brought tears to my eyes.

I never would have thought I would be brought to tears by being so happy for someone. The past few days I have been brought close to tears for that.

Now, it's not to say frustration has not set in for mom.  This is a woman who can not stay still at all and is always on the move.  Even when she has a cold, she is moving.  It's nuts.  So to have to stay in bed all day, it's maddening.  And it's going to be a tough journey for her.  But my mom? She's a tough cookie.  She gets up when she can.  She sits on the bed or couch when she can.  I'm pretty sure she is trying her best not to take her pain medication and just deal but sometimes it's just better to take the medication.

Now I'm hear to entertain her as best as I can, but I know it's difficult.  Dad and I sat on Mom's (really Chris's but whatever) bed to eat dinner tonight.  Pizza from down the street.  And we were just trying to lift her spirits, just like her and Dad used to do for me.

My mother is a beautiful woman who has always had a strength and determination that I always admired.  Gotta love her even more now when she is in incredible pain, but still puts on a smile and very rarely complains.

PS. You should see all the get well wishes and such she is getting.  She is SERIOUSLY loved.

"I'm Eating Breakfast...."

All I wanna do is go visit mom.  To keep her company and try to get her mind off of everything like she tried to do with me.

But instead, I'm going into work.

Update from this morning though:  Mom was having breakfast when I called her earlier in the day, which made her so excited.  Food. It's the most important thing we worry about.  She said she hasn't been in pain, but that sitting up in the bed sometimes makes her light headed.  Last night when she was sitting up she had to recline the bed cause she was in pain.  But go figure that vaso would be part of the whole experience.

I'm gonna call her later to see if she got to walk around at all.  They tried yesterday to have her get up from the bed to move to the chair and she started to get light headed and she couldn't do it.  My mom is a warrior though.  She's gonna do it.

New Place, Same Effect

In 2012, I plan on not visiting a hospital.  Like the whole year.

Mom had her hip replacement surgery this morning.  I said my good lucks last night because she had to go in at 5:30 this morning.  She went in surgery at 7 and I got a text message from my dad saying everything was fine around 9:30 maybe?  To say I was distracted throughout the whole work day is the biggest understatement of the month.

We went to see her after dinner.  Dad had told me she was in pain, that he saw her cry for one of the first times ever.  My mom is a beast.  She never cries even when she is extremely upset.  But I have known she was in pain for weeks now.  Whenever she got in and out of the car she winced in pain.  And the past few days whenever she walked, it was even worse.

So I'm glad she is will no longer have pain.  When we visited, I got choked up a few times.  When she wasn't looking at me but looked so small in the hospital bed.  When she and dad just were staring at each other, or when she grabbed his hand because she was in pain.  It's hard to see a parent uncomfortable.  It's something I have had to do a few times this year and I'm not okay with that.


She is in the hospital for the next few days then she gets to experience the pleasure of being home/bed bound for weeks on end.  I know my mom, it's not gonna last long before she goes absolutely wild.  In fact she already has started.


To mom, who I know will eventually read this.  You will get better. And I'm going to be there whenever you need me every step of the way.


But seriously, no more hospital visits for a few years okay?

The kids won a bar crawl in Milford.

Sums up the night pretty well.  More information and pictures to come about one of the most fun nights in a very long time

Three coyote spottings today and I have not seen it once.

And one happened just 5 minutes ago with Mandy face to face with the thing!

UGH. I'm not a happy camper.

When I do go out to check out shooting stars, I'm hoping I do not see it though.

Keep Me In Mind

I realized today while I was reading old posts that most of my titles are song lyrics. Go figure.

The other day I was told "You are one of the greatest people I have ever met".

Go ahead and try not to get choked up when you receive this ultimate compliment. I couldn't. 


Thank you.  Honestly I don't think you understand how much this means to me.

Cold Weather Blues

Colder weather is moving in.  And once again the only good thing to look forward to with the cold weather is it means that my birthday is approaching.  However, turning 25 is not something I am looking forward to.

Anyway, that's not why I bring up the colder weather.  Colder weather means that people are getting sick and needing medication.  And I'm not just talking about 1 or 2 people.  I'm talking droves of people.  And while it's nice being busy at work, I am not a fan of people's attitudes during this holiday season.

I thought I dealt with a lot of different people up front, but in the pharmacy, people are brutal.  I understand you don't feel well.  I understand you want to get better and want to get your medication as soon as possible to start getting back to "normal".  However, I have a few pieces of advice for you.  Treat me like a human being.  Your doctor is not working behind our counters.  When he tells you that your medication is going to be all set by the time you get to the pharmacy, he's not the one counting it.  You are also not our only patient and while your predicament may seem vitally important, there are other people going through the same thing as you who also want to get better.

Listen, I'm all for every single person who comes through our pharmacy to get better.  I'm not for being treated inhuman.  I'm a person.  You giving me bad attitude does hurt me sometimes.  You not willing to pause your phone conversation while I'm trying to help you, and distracting you while I try to do my job, semi annoying.  But I'm trying to help you.  So please, treat me with respect.  It'll make the whole process go a whole lot smoother and also make my day go by better.

I'm not sure what is going on with people recently, maybe everyone is stressed with the upcoming holiday, but I'm really tired of people giving me attitude all the time.  Especially when 99 percent of the time it's because said person doesn't want to listen or accept an explanation I'm giving them.

It's lucky I work with people who make me laugh, because if I didn't?  I would probably be in the corner rocking myself back and forth crying.  Which I have been on the verge of doing multiple times recently thanks to our dear customers.

End rant.  I can't wait till summertime.

Yesterday, as I was letting Mandy out, I heard ruffling of leaves in the back corner of our property.  Around the same place as the coyote a few weeks ago. 

I got nervous, obviously, that Mandy was going to run past the electrical fence.  I got nervous that it was the big coyote.  And that I was not going to be able to control Mandy to come back into the house.

However, it was not a big scary coyote in the backyard.  It was two deer.  Running away from the noise of our house.  TWO DEER.  

I live in the woods.  And I love it.

P.S. Twitching eye for days....what does that even mean?!

For those who are closest to me, my desire for a tattoo has been discussed many times, with no date set for a variety of reasons.  Blood thinners, lack of funds, lack of guts.

I've made a decision though.  While the holiday season tends to take a lot of money outta a person, I plan on putting some money aside.

And I've decided, with the help of someone actually making the date because I don't think I'm going to be that brave, the date.

What would be more perfect then the year anniversary I had to go to the hospital because of Henry?

So there it is.  December 27th if I don't have the tattoo on my hip, I'm going to be extremely upset with myself

I Wish I Could Freeze This Moment....

"I wish I could freeze this moment right here, right now, and live in it forever." Peeta Mellark.

Yes, I have become a fan of the Hunger Game series.  Yesterday, I finished the last book and am sad that the trilogy has ended.  I also highly recommend this series to anyone of my friends.  I do not own the books, I had heard about them from various people and never went about actually getting them.

Then I learned that Tom had them, and I was super excited.  I was able to read them the past month or so.  And slowly but surely, other people at work have begun to read it as well.  And let me tell you, I have not met one person who does not enjoy it.

This series is a mix of Twilight and Harry Potter.  Tom may hate me for making this comparison, or anyone who has read the series may hate that comparison, but the executives are trying to make The Hunger games into the next big thing.  It has the intrigue of a love triangle that seems hopeless at times but you cheer for both of the guys in the triangle.  And then you have the adventure of the actual games, with the possibly of death at every turn. To imagine a world where children are competing in a field to the death for the entertainment of their government is disgusting.  But it also makes you wonder how the people in the "arena" deal with such a difficult task of having to kill people at a young age.

I am so excited for this to become a movie.  I read somewhere that it needs to do well in the box office in order for the studio to let the other movies get the go ahead.  I'm hoping that it is a success.  While not as many people have read this as Twilight and Harry Potter, I'm hoping people do give it a chance.  If you like dystopias, you are going to love it.  And for those who don't believe me, dystopia is a word. If you like a troubled love triangle, with both guys being good guys for the girl, then here is the book for you.

It's pretty amazing.  How one day, one decision, can change a person's life so much.

Give it a try.  I dare you not to love it. 

Do What You Love.

I have not read through this whole list.  But when you see online that someone has completed a list of secrets and tips to share with the world, that definetely means I need so share that website with whoever is still reading this thing.


Some of these things I whole heartedly agree with.  I feel better when I do work out, whether that be running or dancing, I feel better.  Which is why I'm trying to start working out again.  And the sun?  It's amazing, although I believe they should say life becomes so much easier at the beach.


Starting your day off right is completely important.  This summer I was told every morning that I was beautiful.  While I don't necessarily need someone to tell me this, hearing it from a very important person in my life always made me wake up with a huge smile on my face.  Which is another life secret.


The most important thing I think on the list is about love.  Do what you love, surround yourself with people who love you and keep the people you love close.  I try to push people away, and I do apologize for that, but I try very hard to keep those people I love within my inner circle.


And by inner circle I mean in arms length to give a huge hug to whenever they need it.


So whoever still reads this bad boy, please click the link down below.  And expand your life with these helpful tips and secrets.

Little Life Secrets

Miss Me?

The coyote came to visit again last week.  Just staying two days once again and then disappearing into the wild.  Tom's dad said it's not a good thing to have them out during the day, so I will be on constant vigilance to make sure that sucker doesn't come back.  Mandy tried to protect that family by going after it, luckily I saw that in the window and with some fast relfexes to drop my cheese, I was able to get Mandy safely inside.  This is a complete different scenario then last time when I had to hobble to Mom and Dad's window to get a glimpse outside because that window was the closest one to me.

I have been trying to get in the running habit again.  Today was day 1.  Figure Monday would be a good time to start.  And even though it's been over a year, I'm going to try to stick with it.  I can not become lazy again.

Medically, nothing really has changed.  I got blood work last week, and my girl Helen remembered me.  Sad, when that happens.  While waiting in the sitting room, there was this adorable older lady who was trying to unzip her jacket, but she just couldn't do it.  I wanted to ask so bad if she needed help, but when I asked, she didn't hear me.  Then I realized she probably would not have wanted my help and wanted to do it by herself, so it was a good thing I didn't just repeat myself louder.

My leg has been hurting.

There is the truth.  Laid out on this blog.

I don't know if I'm gonna have to deal with this for my whole life which if I do will suck completely.  I have been working 6 days a week for the past few weeks and my leg has been having twinges in it.  At the end of the day it's as hard as a rock, and not in a good in shape way.

This brings my greatest fear to light.  That this blood clot will never really leave me.  That they still don't know why it came about so who is to say it's not going to knock me on my ass again sometime soon.  That I am never going to not have some sort of pain or discomfort if I'm on my legs for long periods of time. 

I'm afraid I'm never going to be fixed.  Actually, I know I'm never going to be.  I take 3 different medications and 3 different vitamins throughout the day every day.  That will eventually be brought down to 2 different meds, but still.  If I screw up with the medication I will be having a flare up.  Last time that happened I ended up in the hospital.

Who is to say that anyone will want to deal with this?  I know I don't.  It's almost a year and I'm already sick of the whole stomach thing, and the doctor's appointments and the blood work.  I was thinking about it last night, and it truly sucks to know that I'm gonna have to go to Dr. I probably every 4-6 months.  I don't know if that will change but at the moment it looks like that is my life.

I don't know why I have been so preoccupied with my whole endeavor recently.  Actually, I do.  I have too much time on my hands to think about it.  This summer was one of the best times I had had in years.  And when I try to share that with people, they don't understand how they could have made me so happy.  They still do, but seriously the best part about this summer was I forgot I had been sick, or that I will have to deal with this for the rest of my life.  I have always believed that summer is a special time, but this year sure proved me correct.  I'm just waiting for the train to get back on track, because I know it will.  I can not help but believe it.

Stay Relentless

About a year ago, I heard about this guy who was in the grade below me having cancer.  I had a few classes with him through out my high school experience, and he was always such a nice kid, with a huge smile on his face.  He got along with everyone it seemed and I did not know one person who had anything bad to say about him.

Today I woke up to find on Facebook that this wonderful guy died.  Instead of wallowing in this awful disease that has claimed so many people's lives, he started a non profit and tried to turn this into something so positive.  His determination is such an inspiration to all that knew him, and even those who have heard his story through friends.

It's moments like this that make me feel so small in this world.  Here is this great guy who was doing such amazing things to fight cancer and he was taken from this life.  Your positivity and inspiration to those around you will continue your message and legacy for many years to come.  You told people to stay relentless against cancer.  Don't worry, everyone is going to be a little more relentless to keep fighting your battle.

Rest in peace.

Due to the fact that I was supposed to go to their show tonight, I decided to share one of my favorite songs by Third Eye Blind.  I don't know why I love this song but it's always been one of my favorites.  In fact, I didn't realize until I was searching youtube how many of their songs I do enjoy.  I think they are one of those bands that you love all their songs but don't realize that they are the ones who sing them.  You know those bands, when you listen to the song and find out who sings it and there is the dawning of "Noooo wayyyy".

Okay, so now that that rambling is out of the way, I wanted to share about my favorite movie.  I know some people will probably roll their eyes at the connections I made to my own life, but please bare with me.  50/50 is an amazing movie.  Okay, maybe not win tons of awards amazing, but the actors are able to show the terrifying journey of getting bad medical news at such a young age.  As I was watching the movie, and Adam, the main character finds out about his cancer I couldn't help but echo his questioning his diagnosis because of his age.  Why me, I'm too young to have cancer.  Those were exactly the words I have thought over and over again this past year....especially when I was barely able to walk.

I cried during the movie.  Little old emotional me cried during the movie when he was in the hospital and breaking down to his mother.  Throughout the whole movie, Adam put up such a strong front to everyone he cared about.  He didn't want them to see him vulnerable.  I could not help but realize this is exactly what I have been doing.  This is the reason why I ended up in the hospital back in April or May, I can't remember which month.  I don't want to be a burden on those who I love, but at the same time when crunch time comes, we can't help but break down and let people in.  This is exactly what happened with Adam, at the most crucial moment in his medical journey, he reached out for reassurance from his mother.

I would really recommend seeing this movie.  I went with my mother on Friday and am so happy that I did go see it.

Dr. I....It's Almost Our Year Anniversary

After the first visit hesitation, I have looked forward to my visits with Dr. I immensely.  He is such a genuine guy, never making me feel as if I am one of his many patients.  I always feel like I am number one when it comes to him.  I think part of the reason why I feel like that is because he came to visit every day when I was in the hospital.  The new pharmacist asked if that was due to the fact that he had to, but I said absolutely not, he came to ease my mind.  At least that's how I saw it.

Why am I talking so much about Dr. I you may ask?  It's because I had an appointment with him yesterday.

Yesterday was the first doctor's appointment I had in months.  Seriously, I had not had to step in a doctor's office since May/June and I could not be happier about the fact that it is months between appointments for me.  I guess Irene is thanks to that, but I still feel like it's a huge relief that I don't have to see a doctor every month like I had been.

Anyway, we discussed my progress per usual, but we also discussed taking me down my steroids once again.  Now we are going below the dosage I was on before going to the hospital which is exciting because I have no had any flair indications at all.  So small victory on that part.  He did say that when I see him next, which is in a few months, I should be off the steroids!!! This will be around the year anniversary of these whole shenanigans starting so I could not be happier with the idea that another one of my medications will be discontinued when the year anniversary occurs.


Anyway, I also learned my weight with this appointment and while it's completely fine with my height, I'm still not fully okay with it and will begin running on Monday to become more in shape.  Please don't roll your eyes.  Being in shape and being skinny are two completely different things and I need to start running in order to not only sort things out in my life in my head, but also to feel better about myself.


Dr. I and I also discussed what happens during flare ups.  Those damn things scare the hell out of me if I'm going to be completely honest.  Last flare up I ended up in the hospital, and a friend was recently hospitalized when she experienced a flare up.  I just do not want to end up in the hospital again.  That was not a fun experience at all.  He told me how a flare up would work in my situation and if I am understanding him correctly, it shouldn't occur if I stay on top of my medicine.  This is not to say that the medicine will eventually stop working.  I had to take blood work immediately following the appointment to check various levels, one being my liver level.  He said that it had been slightly elevated which was not caused for concern but he wanted to keep an eye on it which is why he asked for the blood work right after the appointment.


If I'm going to be completely honest here, I'm completely terrified.  I'm terrified that I will end up in the hospital again for a week, or even longer, without many people who will want to visit me.  I'm afraid I am going to eventually have to give up my favorite food because it causes a flare up.  I'm afraid that at the age of 24 I am already taking 10 different pills if I don't count the steroids which I will be off of hopefully by the end of the year.  And I'm afraid that this stupid disease is going to control my whole life.  I have had to worry about my pills whenever I go anywhere.  I have had to worry about the nearest bathroom and stomach pains whenever I go out.  I'm not a fan.  How do you explain this thing to someone who has no experience with it.  Luckily I have friends who also have it so our group has become understanding about it, but still.  How do I even begin to explain this to people who come into my life in the future?  This damn thing has been a pain for close to a year now, and I have tried to hide my worries from everyone.  But what I would not give to be normal again.  With a normal stomach that I no longer have to worry about medicine, and blood and enzyme levels.

I Wish Nothing But the Best For You

Growing older is a funny thing.  When I was younger, I only worried about myself.  My own pain.  My own happiness.  My own fun.  I was the center of the universe and everyone should be at my beck and call to make me happy.

As I got older, I realized that I had to start depending on myself and not expect others to worry about how to entertain me whenever I need them to.  But it's not only that.  I realized how much I worry about other people and how other's happiness affects my own.

This year has been a great learning experience for me.  While I was wallowing, I was also worried about how my terrible mood was affecting my family, even though it may not have seemed like it at the time.  I held a lot in during this whole thing because I didn't want to worry my family.  Hence, my hospitalization in April.  But not only that, I didn't want them to worry about me when I was stuck home and they had to go to work.

Same goes for my friends.  I didn't want to ruin their breaks or weekends with my sob stories about how I couldn't move or how painful the freaking clot was.  I never asked for anyone to come over because I didn't want them to be pulled down due to my misfortune.  

At 24 I realized that I am not the center of the universe, and that when other people, my friends, my family and even extended circle is hurt, it makes me really upset.  My mood is affected by those who I care about.  My "inner" circle?  I never want them to be in pain.  I always want them to be happy and with smiles on their faces.

And let me tell you, I understand how difficult it was for my parents this year to see me with the clot and the stomach thing.  Because no matter what, they wanted to see me smile.  And now all I want is to make those around me smile as well.

Diaries from a Power-less Girl Part 1

I had written the following while power was out during the hurricane.  I'm finally getting around to posting these here....

 Generators.


They are a life saver for hospitals and homes that take care of the elderly.  Of government buildings (at least I assume this) so our officials can make informed decisions. And for homes that are destroyed by storms, say like Hurricane Irene.


But my goodness, they are so effin loud.


And sometimes a method of showing off.


Does a generator need to be on all day for you?  Absolutely not.  Should it be on until ten o'clock to light your driveway on a pitch black street?  Probably not.


So this post is basically based off jealousy.  But this storm has brought an early civilization feel that is completely killed when a generator is heard though out the whole neighborhood.


Would it be nice for you to offer the neighbors anything if needed?  Yes.  My boyfriend's family has basically opened their house to me, and my family, even if I'm the only one to take the offer.  But if all I had to do was walk a small distance to a noisy house for a shower, or even a community meal, I wouldn't complain.


More ramblings from a power-less girl to follow....

Come on Irene

I had written the following while power was out during the hurricane.  I'm finally getting around to posting these here....

8/30/11
Boy there is something to be said for 2011.  Everyone always said 2012 was the year the world would end, but I gotta question if this is really the case.  2011 has had some crazy storms, never ending days of rain, an earthquake which I'm still not sure happened (okay okay I know it did) and now a hurricane which has left a wave of destruction on the East coast.  And my family has been without power and water for 48+ hours and counting.

I am currently writing this is the depth of the power outage on my back porch, enjoying a cocktail before it spoils.  Yes, that's right, without power a butt load of beer is going to be tossed because of Irene.  I feel as if that's tragedy enough.

I must count my blessings though, family and friends are all safe and apart from a tree destroying Nana's deck, there is no real bad damage.  Heather and I are still roughing it....no power since Sunday morning.  I had my first shower since before power went off earlier today.  Can I just tell you how amazing that is?  Just imagine having no running water to even flush a toilet and you will know how I have been living.  Well water means we need electricity for water to get into out house.

I volunteer to go into work for the plumbing and to charge my phone.  I wish I was joking.

I don't know when we will get power back or why it's been down.  Tom said a tree is down across the road, but I haven't been that way yet. 

Coming home in pitch black is terrifying, let me tell you.  The stars are beautiful, don't get me wrong, but the sound of generators are sort of a buzz kill.

More on that topic later....

But like I said, I'm glad there is no significant damage to my loved ones.  I'm just crossing my fingers for power to be restored.  And I do not need internet and cable at the moment, just running water would be nice. 

I Could Make Your Bed Rock

An earthquake hit Washington DC and it was felt all the way in Connecticut.

I did not feel such rumblings.

I'm PISSED!

Want to know how I know my friends and I are growing up?

We have started to read and ask each other for book recommendations.  Instead of talking about the different shows we watch throughout the week, or about the nights out in the club, we discuss who has what book and who can get the book next.

So I have read a few books, and wanted to share my opinion about them to whomever still reads this.  To those who know me, I love reading, and while I don't review every one that I have read, I do like to share the ones I enjoyed a lot.

First and foremost is a book that is being made into a movie which is coming out this Friday.

Now before everyone judges me reading this book because it's coming out as a movie, it's been on my list of books I need to read for a while.  Many months ago, I read a blog about books that were turning into a movie and this one was stuck out to me.  This book looks into one day of these two characters lives for twenty years.  Seriously, it's just one day, and you get a little bit about their lives throughout the year but you understand what these two characters endure throughout the year.  I enjoyed this because it shows two friends who make sure to be in each other's lives no matter how different their own roads diverge from one another.

I had one problem with the book and that was the ending.  It was a bit confusing, and by confusing I mean I didn't like how abruptly it ended.  I did have a bit of trouble getting into the book, but when I did I loved it.  I can say however I was terribly disappointed at how it ended.  

I have never read Jodi's books contrary to some amazing things I have heard from friends. I tried to read one, but got bored within a few chapters and called it quits.  This book however, I could not put down.   It was amazing.  I didn't want to hang out with the boy because I wanted to finish this book.  It may have been because the central character had Aspergers and I loved another book that had the protagonist with Aspergers.  This book had each chapter in a different character's prospective and even had different fonts for each character. And I don't want to give too much of the plot away, but everything, from the daily tasks that this family goes through, the the trouble that the trial puts the family in, I loved it.  Seriously loved it.


Now I'm reading another book that I'm not sure what I feel about it yet but it's early yet.  I haven't been reading much recently because I have been going out after work and spending time with the boy before work.  But don't worry I will be sharing more opinions about books I have read.  I really do enjoy both of these books and if any of my friends want to read them, they are more then welcome to borrow them.

Crazy Nightmares Go Away

Last night I had a dream....or maybe it was more a nightmare.  And when I think back to it, I can't help but laugh because it's not really scary.  But during the course of the dream, I was terrified.

Anyway, the dream started with me attending Midnight Madness at Gampel.  I don't know why I was there, only that I couldn't really see everything that was going on.  And I was upset about it because I kept trying to find a place to see properly.  And for those who know me, not being able to see UCONN basketball, unacceptable.

Anyway from Gampel I ended up at the hospital for some reason. I don't know why I was there, only that I was sitting in the room I stayed at when I was in the hospital.  But I was in there with a bunch of doctors, I feel like there were four there, and not one of them were talking to me.  Don't get me wrong, every one of the doctor's were talking, only they were talking to each other.  And there I was on the hospital bed, trying to speak my mind but they were not listening to me at all.  I was basically having a panic attack over the fact that the doctor's weren't listening to me.

It's very telling to how I felt while I was at the hospital back in May. Only thing is I was having this dream in August and I can not for the life of me understand why I'm having this dream now.  I haven't really had any visits with a doctor who piss me off.  I mean I have to call Dr. I about the blood work results from last week, but that's only because they didn't send it to him directly like they normally do.  That I am fine with.  But the idea of me talking without being hear?  Not a fun feeling, let me just TELL you.

To some this may not feel like a nightmare, to me I woke up with a start. Not only did I not understand what was happening to me, but I also did not like feeling like I wasn't being heard.

Sometimes, I Need to Get Out of My Own Head

There have been times in my life that I pull away from my friends.  Or at least in my head I pull away from them, for no reason in particular, but I don't talk to them as much or hang out with them as much.  Like I said, there is no particular reason I do this.  Part of me believes that I want to see who is willing to break down these walls.  But I don't think it's fair or nice to put your friends through tests.

Another part of me wonders if I do this because I don't like to get too close to people.  Throughout my life, a lot of people I have been close with have gone away without any explanation.  Perhaps our friendship wasn't as strong as I had originally thought, but maybe I do this whole wall thing because I don't want to be hurt like I have been.

I'm not going to say I am in a funk like I was when I was sick because I am not.  I'm happy.  The only thing that is missing for me though is my friends.  And it's mainly my fault because I'm doing the backing away thing.  If you are reading this and telling me I'm crazy, I already know this.  But I feel like I have not seen or talked to anyone in months which makes me really sad.

This group of friends I have now are unbelievably supportive.  They have been there throughout the Henry stage, they were there the week I was in the hospital, and they just are always there if I ever need anything.  But I haven't been hanging out with them as much as I used to and I don't know why I'm doing that.

I promise to do better for the rest of the summer.  Or at least try.  Because I really do miss my friends.  And the calm nights we have....and don't laugh, because compared to a few nights in recent weeks, we really do have calm nights.

So to my friends who may still read this, I'm sorry I have not really been hanging out with you or getting in touch with you.  Know that everyday I think about you all and do miss having you in my daily life.  I wish I could explain why I suck at keeping in touch, but I really do....exhibit A. is Stacey, the one friend I kept when I moved outta New Haven.  Love you guys more then you know

Lalalala

Summer is halfway over and I can not believe how this summer is turning out.

I'm finally starting to get on the mend; starting my new "normal".  Who would have thought the new normal would be taking five pills in the morning alone along with my vitamin.  The new normal would be getting blood work every few weeks and visiting doctor's offices every 6 weeks.  The new normal would include knowing what it means for your stomach to flair, or to be extremely relieved to be off my blood thinners.  But it's normal.

And there are other new normals too.  Working in the pharmacy and having to fight every week to get proper credit in the computer system.  I have been fighting since April to get what I deserve, and it's still not right at the end of July.  I wrote a note to the store manager last night because I never seem to work during the time he's there.  And for once, I plan on bugging/reminding him every day that I need something to change, and some serious back pay, in order to be happy.


I've been in a weird mood and I'm not sure why.  I'm happiest when I get to hang out with the boy.  I honestly can't wipe the smile off my face whenever I'm around him.  The best part is hearing things that happened but in his own words.  It's funny how different a situation can be remembered.  But I don't know about the other things and I wish I could shake it.  These uneasy feelings happens every now and then.  Eventually I can shake them....so now it's just a waiting game

Seven Months Later....

There is a sense of irony that I would finish my Warfarin about seven months after I was rushed to the hospital for not being able to walk, and subsequently discovering I had a blood clot which I later named Henry.

Today marks the day I had been wishing for since starting my Warfarin.  The last day I have to take it.  Today is the last day I am able to take a full dosage and thus means I am done after today's 15 mg dose.  

To say I am relieved is the understatement of the year.

I have had to deal with Henry now for seven months.  Those are seven very long months.  From crawling on my ass to get to the bathroom before we knew what it was, to graduating to crawling down the stairs when I needed to go to doctor's appointments, trying to laugh as I rang in the new year in a wheel chair, returning to work, having to deal with swelling if I was on it for too long, the countless ultra sounds and blood works, to the moment when I was told Henry was gone, and the time I would eventually go a day without thinking about the blood clot.  It's been a long journey for my family, friends and I.

While the journey continues with us discovering why I got Henry in the first place, today marks the first day of the new year that I can say I'm officially off one of my medicines that I started that day in December.  To not have to worry about taking those 2.5-3 tablets every night is going to be a serious highlight of July.

I wish I could say I'm done with blood work, but that's not even close with the other medicines I'm taking.  Small steps though right?

I really do want to thank everyone who has helped me throughout this journey of mine, especially when I was down and your kind words brought me back up.  I don't know what I would have done without my mom, dad and Chris, who were a constant support from those first few hours.  Mom, I still remember laughing to the point of tears when I had to scoot to the bathroom, before we knew the severity of the whole situation.  Your tears may have been from laughter, mine was a combination of laughter and pain now that I think about it.

Don't worry folks, I promise to keep updating this thing.  It's a form of escape for me, and while I have been failing at updating recently, I have some things I need to work out in forms of entries in here.  Even if nobody else reads this, at least I have something to show about this journey with Henry and the colitis.  Goodness, I sound like a 90 year old and not someone who is 24 years old.

Shots From Washington

The bride looked absolutely stunning....like a Disney princess.  The crappy weather left just in time for a blue sky for the ceremony.  Vicky and Dave looked so happy to be getting married to each other that it brought a smile to my face.  I honestly was honored to be part of such a wonderful wedding, with some of the nicest people I have met in a long while.  And to have so many Disney songs play?  Fabulous

I Miss Her, A Lot

When I got back home yesterday, it hit my once again that we no longer have Madison.

For those of you who don't know, our family had to put Madison down the Sunday before I went to Washington which I guess is a week ago.  For those few days before my trip, I just felt as if Madison was sleeping over on one of her hospital stays. 

Last night when I walked in the door without her bounding to me with kisses and a tail wagging so fast, I was heartbroken to remember that she is no longer around.

I miss her like crazy.  I think Mandy misses her like crazy.  Mandy is her normal self, not really excited about much but there is a sadness too around her.

Now I just have to remember that Madison is in a better place where she is no longer hurting.  Love you Madison, you were the best first dog a girl could ask for.

Leaving On a Jet Plane

Today marks the start of the big trip.  I'm off to Boston, then flying out with Alanna to Washington.  We will be getting in later tonight....probably 1 or 2 in the morning Eastern time.

I'm scared that the clot is going to come back, but I am trying my best not to worry about it too much.  I'm also nervous for the fact that the last time I traveled on a plane, I was stuck in Florida for a few days.

But I can not wait to see how beautiful Vicky is going to look.

Signing off for now....

Yesterday, the medication FINALLY got cleared with insurance and I was finally able to start taking it.  Last night we dropped in to pick it up, and I started to read the information on the bottle and the label.  

And boy, did that scare me.

First off it said I would not be able to drink alcohol, which Dr. I told me was not the case when I first started to talk about this medication.  He said I would be able to have drinks especially after I told him I planned on having a huge celebration when I got back from Washington.

But one of the side effects is losing your hair.  UMMMM, seriously I don't want to lose my hair.  No thank you.  One of the first sentences is something about how the drug is used for cancer. And how I have to wash my hands after touching the freaking pills.  But I guess if it's going to make me better, with no flair ups, then I can't complain.

No More Craziness From You All

As some of you may already know, my family has not had a dull moment this year.  Fourth of July was no different, only this time, I was NOT the cause of the craziness.  Unbelievable right?  Yeah, I agree.

Mom was brought to the hospital in the morning of the fourth which I didn't find out about until I got out of work.  Obviously I cried, I have become a complete wreck this year which I'm not a fan of but I think I was justified when I started to cry after hearing about my mother in the hospital.  

That morning, she was experiencing chest pains and was told by her coworkers that she was going to the hospital.  If I know my mother, she didn't want to go and was thinking she could just go home, but they went to the hospital.  She was put into a special part of the ER for chest pain patients and when I got there, she was already going stir crazy saying how she didn't want to stay overnight.  While I completely understood her feelings, I was happy to repeat what she told me all those weeks ago during my week long hospital stay that the doctor's knew what was best for her.  Dad and Mom both got a chuckle out of it but nobody found the irony more then me.

Anyway, yesterday Chris and I went to visit Mom after her stress test and I believe an MRI but I can't promise that one.  She was saying how she had no sense of time and just couldn't wait to go home.  It sounded so freaking familiar.  Anyway, she eventually got to go home last night which she was pumped about and I couldn't be happier about as well.  Today she spent the whole day resting and while I know that is not what she really enjoys, the idea that stress can be a huge influence on the chest pain means that she needs to start relaxing more (COUGHCOUGH HOPE YOU ARE READING THIS COUGH).

Anyway, one bright spot in the whole thing was trying the food carts outside of Yale.  Let me just tellllll you, it's something you have to try.  When Chris said they had everything, he was not joking there really is everything out there.  And it is inexpensive and yummy.  Plus there is this really cute little area that you can sit outside on the benches and just people watch.  Which is obviously what I loved to do.  I seriously would love to just try each and every one of the carts but that would take a while to try them all.  Maybe someday.

Well that has been my eventful couple of days and it involved the hospital but not having to go into them for me. Yay!  Let's cross our fingers that mom continues to get better

Baby Your a Fireworkkkkk

Last week I was told that a prescription was being sent into the pharmacy for my colitis.  However, insurance companies are the most amazing thing ever and I need their permission for the medicine to go through.  I'm still waiting for that.  I have to hope that it will be good because the doctor who prescribed it is the one who I really truly trust but it's been a week now and there is still nothing.  Unfortunately, I have a doctor's appointment with Dr. I this week and it was to discuss the medicine and how things are going, but with the holiday this weekend and everything, I don't think that's going to be possible.

11 more days till I head off to Washington.  I'm really excited to be part of Vicky's special day, and to spend a few days with Alanna because I have been so bad with keeping in touch with her recently.  I know this wedding is going to be tons of fun and Vicky will be a beautiful bride.  I can not believe that one of my good friends from college is getting married so soon and that other people are getting engaged.  Seriously blows my mind.

This wedding is not only a milestone for my first friend getting married, but it's also the milestone of being off the blood thinners.  I am beyond excited to be done with them.  The blood work isn't going to be over, but I won't have to worry about the different doses of the Warfarin.  And it means I don't have to get the phone calls from Dr. P who messes with my moods more often then anybody else during this whole thing. 

I've gotten to see two different firework shows which I have been unable to do in the recent years.  I don't remember why I haven't been able to see them, probably thanks to work, but I have been made up this year.  During one of them however, we had popcorn thrown at us the WHOLE TIME.  And whenever we tried to figure out who was throwing the said popcorn, nobody made any indication that they were throwing the popcorn.  But we got to watch the fireworks on the beach, obviously my favorite place.

I hope whoever reads this has a wonderful and safe holiday weekend.  I really wish I go to picnics, but I am working on Sunday and Monday which is totally fine.  Happy 4th Everyone!!

Cause it Led Me Straight to This

Have you ever wondered how you have gotten to certain places in your life?  Like how things can change one hundred percent because of some decision  you made?

Last night I was talking about this with someone, how if they had made different decisions and if things had worked out the way he was imagining, then life would be completely different now.  This idea is very similar to one of my favorite songs by Darius Rucker.  It's called This and I highly recommend listening to it.


Anyway, this year has, to put it lightly, sucked.  Or at least it was.  Six months into it, and it's finally changing.  I never imagined that I would go to sleep with a huge smile on my face every night, but that's what has been happening.  My dad said I deserve this, that I deserve to be happy.  And yet, I still feel the need to almost pinch myself every day because I don't think that this is real life.  I mean I understand that I deserve to be happy, but when things finally work out for me?  That I do not expect at all.


Okay, I'm just rambling and I'm sure this makes zero sense.  Basically I do not want to spell out exactly what's going on because I do not want to jinx it.  But the happiness that I have been talking about? Yup, it's still there and my smile is getting bigger and bigger.


Even though I have the big smile on my face, there is still some frustration on the medical front.  Dr. P still is not my favorite what so ever.  She once again stressed me out when I was told my INR levels and quite frankly, it sucks to worry about it even more now that the trip to Washington is quickly approaching.  Strangely enough, I'm more frustrated about not getting my blood work results back that will tell me what medicine I will be on for my colotis.  It's more annoying then anything; I have been home for about a month now from the hospital and still nothing.  I guess the bright side is the fact that I wasn't expected to even be on the medicine yet because I was not supposed to know what my stomach issues were.  Maybe I need to focus on that and know that, like I said before, all of this is happening for a reason.

To One of the Most Beautiful Women in my Life

Today is my mother's birthday and I could not be more grateful then having her in my life.  This picture is from last summer when we went to the Jersey Shore as a family and this particular evening, we all went down to the beach to see the flag ceremony.  I love it because the picture was taken without either one of use knowing the camera was on us.


My mother has been so helpful throughout my entire life, but especially these past six months.  I have not always been nice to her, in fact there were times I was a straight up bitch, and yet she would still come and give me a hug, or rub my back in support.  I don't think I would have been able to survive without her, and I'm eternally grateful to have her in my life.

So to my mom---who I know reads this.  Thank you so much for all the support you have shown me throughout the years.  Thank you for being my rock these past few months, not only for me but also for the rest of the family.  For never once breaking down in front of me no matter how scared you may have been.  Thank you for bringing me breakfast when I couldn't walk, and just laying down next to me and hugging me when I broke down in tears.  Thank you for sharing your love for the beach with me and showing me there is something magical that happens during the summer.  Thank you so much for just being there and loving me no matter what I do.  I don't know what I would do without your daily support in my life.

Hit play and enjoy one of my favorite songs at the moment.  While I have a different version for my Itunes, I find this one simply breathe taking.

Last night, after the thunder storm woke me up, I was tempted to write this post but decided to put it off and try my best to sleep.  While that failed, I was able to think about what I could write about and decided it's going to be the first of that some of my favorite things.  This one is going to be about books because I'm a huge nerd and want to share my favorite books slash write about my favorite author.  While the author is for young adults, I found her while I was a teenager and still get excited when she has a new book out.

Sarah Dessen.  Probably the single author from my youth that I will be reading no matter my age as long as she keeps publishing books.  I don't remember when I started to read her books, sometime back in high school, but I feel in love.  In the beginning, I noticed a trend in the material she wrote.  Some of her earlier books were about girls who entered bad relationships.  While I don't have any experience with that, you could not help falling in love with the characters and wanting to shield them from all the pain that these relationships caused them.  Sarah's writing has progressed throughout the years.  I'm happy to say she publishes about a book a year and I often go back to reread them.  One of the great things about being a loyal reader is she inserts some of her older characters into her newer books.  

While I love all her books, This Lullaby and The Truth About Forever the most.  Funny story is I wrote about This Lullaby in one of my college courses junior year.  I honestly can not say enough good things about her books.  While all her characters are often seniors in high school, I still can not help remember going through all the emotions they did back while I was in high school.

Now this book?  I reread it at least once every six to eight months.  This is hands down my favorite book.  Could it be because it takes place during that magical time of summer?  Possibly.  Actually, that is probably a very high likelihood.  This book is amazing, from the relationships Ann makes so realistically to the struggles that the main character, Alice, faces when she has finally become an adult and must face relationships with childhood friends and a sister who does not want to grow up.  While I read it, I longed to have the summers of traveling to an island, like Fire Island in the book or a vacation spot of the Cape, where you have a whole different life.  Now that I think about it though, I sort of have that with my Milford family, but that's a story for another time.  This book I highly recommend; I was sold after seeing the cover (hello the beach!) but fell in love with all the characters, Alice, Riley and Paul.  Its a great book for the summer, and for all the people who are like me who believe the summer is a very special time.

It's funny when good things finally happen to a person after a string of bad luck, how uneasy it makes a person.

Exhibit A. Me.

The bad news in the earlier post aside, good things have been happening and I'm not sure how to handle it.  Well, I know how I have been handling it.  I have been trying my best not to get my hopes up.  And just go with the flow ya know.

But inside, I'm a nervous wreck because I'm afraid everything will fall apart ANY minute.

I'm still waiting on the blood work that I need before I get my colitis medication.  They needed to test something, I forget what it was, but I can't start the medicine until I find out.  As of Friday (I think), Dr. I still had not heard, but I'm fine with the fact I still have not heard about the medication.  I really enjoy Dr. I because he has been giving me answers.  

But for now I'm just living my life, a little nervous but it's fine. 

A Small Request Please

Last night I was told that I seem to always have a smile on my face with a positive attitude.  While it's a huge compliment, obviously they do not read half of these blog posts where I vent and bitch about everything that has happened to me.

While I promised a fun post once I hit one thousand views, a more pressing issue has risen that I need whoever reads this to help me with.  This great guy I know, who used to hang out with my group of friends from time to time, was diagnosed with leukemia.  Typing those words have put a serious knot in my throat.  I don't see the guy often anymore, in fact probably have not seen him in over a year.  But you know those types of people that you just know are good people, well this guy is that person.  He always has a smile on his face, was always very nice and open to talk to, and just like I said a great guy.

Now when I saw him thanking people for prayers on Facebook, I asked my friend who introduced me to him what happened.  She didn't know, until this morning when she talked to his sister and got the information.  The text from my friend was a kick in the stomach.  Even though I haven't talked to the kid in a year I'm willing to go visit him at the hospital.  And ever since then, I have been wondering why bad things happen to good people.  I'm not even talking about me.  This kid is young, he doesn't deserve to go through this.

So basically this is what I'm asking every person who reads this blog post.  Can you please send out good, positive thoughts for my friend who is going through this trying time.  I don't want to put a name here just because I feel weird with privacy and stuff.  But everyone's well wishes helped me through this difficult year.  And he needs our support.  As weird as this may sound, I feel like this is plea for the help of my readers is doing something, anything, to try and get him better.  Because while sickness is never a good thing, it really is not fair when it's a 25 year old. Thanks everyone

Welcome to the Good Life

This is a video I found sometime last year.  I don't remember why I ran into it; possibly because I'm obsessed with Taylor and when people sing it.  Or maybe it was on some friend's page and I claimed it as mine.  But from when I first saw it, I fell in love.  I love the boy band moves, I love the fact that they are on a train, and I wish this happened in my real life.  

Needless to say, I went to the West Virginia game last year with Julia when the coach eventually got tosssed out (for once it wasn't Jimmy).  We were standing by these guys who looked familiar to me but I knew I didn't know them.  Well it was the guys in this video and I thought it was awesome to see Youtube sensations (at least in my eyes).

Okay, I have gone off on a small tangent about a subway sing a long and I'm not really sure why.   I did want to share with whoever reads this something that I really love.  Because whenever I feel down, I tend to find this video and just smile thinking about what would happen if this happened in my real life.

Real life though has not sucked recently.  And by that I mean ever since I have gotten home from the hospital.  I have run into some good luck in the end of May and beginning of June.  I have been able to eat whatever I want without being in pain.  I have been able to pick up hours at work a bit, even though yesterday I was sent home because it was so dead.  I've decided I'm going to see O.A.R. whenever they come around, I think it's August when that will be happening.  And I have other fun things planned coming up this summer.  

I truly believe summer makes things better.  If you don't believe that, think back to all the summers in your life, and I'm sure you are remembering the days that lasted well into the nights with the friends that you can never forget.  It's almost like during the winter time we have to hunker down and almost hibernate to make rest up for the fun that summer always promises.  

This post is nonsensical but most of them have been.  It's because I'm such a scatter brain on a regular basis that you tend to get the posts that have really no connections to anything I have written about.  It's fine though, adds to part of the charm.


One more view until I have reached the 1,000 views which I can not thank you enough about.  I can not believe that people continue to come to this thing that read about not only my health and daily life, but the ramblings that come about for the things in my life.  I think to honor when there is officially the thousand views, which may happen as I'm writing this, I am going to post some of my favorite things.  From books, movies, shows, and memories, I think it could be a good time.  Maybe I would make it a series of posts because I have realized this past week when I'm asked my favorite of something, I really don't have one specific favorite.  


I hope everyone is able to enjoy some of this beautiful weather we are having.  And that after watching that video, whenever you hear Taylor Swift, you will think of these boys and even of me, because it's just that memorable

One Moment Please.....Five Minutes Later

I love when doctor offices put you on hold forever, and then never click back over.

That's what happened this morning.  It really grinds my nerves when I call Dr. P to get my INR levels and ask about the stomach shots and not hear back from her.

"One moment please....."

She wonders why I don't like calling to check my levels and a good chunk of it is because I get the run around with that office.

On another note, I am currently eating part of my care package from Bill and Colleen.  Some very yummy mac and cheese.  And I finally took them all out of the box guys and I was PUMPED for the Cars shape.  Seriously, the shapes are my favorite.

It Rained on My Parade

This week was a lot of firsts.

The first week back to work since the hospital.  First sunburn of the season.  First beach trip of the summer.  First bbq with my dear friends.  First attempt at blood work since the hospital (don't know if I explained that one but boy was it a doozy.

It was nice to get back to work; to be with people and just immerse myself with the hectic life that is working in a pharmacy.  The store manager was nervous about my return because I guess he believes I'm precious cargo.  He wouldn't let me carry heavy things one day when I worked in the front probably because I had spent the week in the hospital but I told him constantly he was being silly.

When I went to get my blood work done last week it took forever.  And they couldn't use the veins they normally do because they were scabbing or something underneath from all the IVs.  So I had to wait till the end of the week to redo it and they still couldn't use those veins.  Well I went before the beach on Thursday and ended up getting blood drawn from my wrist.  It was weird, and the bandage was huge.  That left a pretty interesting tan line.  At the current moment there is an epic bruise there but I'm pretty I hit it yesterday while at work.  Dad said it could be from the blood work though.

Saturday I had friends over for a bbq and unlike the last gathering at my house, I was actually able to move around freely without a wheel chair.  Yay go me!  I would say it was successful minus all the freaking bugs but I think I got away with only one bug bite on my elbow.  What an obnoxious place to have one though.   I love the summer time though, and gatherings where everyone brings a dish and you just chill.  The only thing that was missing was our pool but there isn't much I could do about that anymore.  Paul said we could have had a huge sumo wrestling competition where the pool was.  Of course if you know Paul you would not be surprised by this suggestion at all.


I'm glad that my little sister is keeping up with her beautiful picture blog.  I love her pictures so much and sometimes even save them (hope you don't mind Em!).  But she just did a new post when I finally got around to checking this thing and I was so pumped.


Today I get to shop with Shannon for some new clothes for work and play.  We were planning on going to the parade but at the current moment it's pouring rain and there was thunder earlier in the morning.  Part of me wishes I knew it was going to rain because then I would have slept in but oh well, this is perfect nap weather later.

Pictures From the Hospital

 Christopher said this was my E.T. finger.  The end of this glowed red from Monday to Wednesday and I believe it kept my pulse.  The number was posted on where they kept my heartbeat monitored.  I just like the idea of me being E.T. for a few days

This was my view for the second half of the hospital stay but it's also where I stayed the beginning of the week.  The place is beautiful with some very nice people in it.  But it's not such a bad sight to look at.  And if you note the garden at the bottom of the picture? My dad wants to make one of those at our house.  A reflecting garden if you will.

So these are the two pictures I took while I was at the hospital along with the picture of the Italian ice that I posted last week.  Today I tried to get my blood drawn but that was an unsuccessful trip.  First, I waited in the waiting room for what had to be an hour, watching a family TAKE PICTURES in the waiting room of each other.  When I finally went in, my girl Helen was finally back and she informed me that my veins were shot and she couldn't get any blood.  So that means resting the veins for a bit, putting heat on them, and retrying later this week.  Let me tell you, it hurt like a bitch today when she did try.  Silly veins let's get your act together please

Gotta Keep Your Head Up

One week ago, I was just getting checked into Yale hospital in New Haven after being at Goose Lane for hours.  Today? I had the pleasure of waking up in my own bed, without any pain or hurt that I had been experiencing last weekend.  Nice change huh?

It's funny, I have been waking up around 6ish every morning and I think the reason for that is because I'm used to getting woken up to do vitals slash blood work that my body is used to it now.  Not the best thing to get used to but, I'll take it as long as I can fall asleep again.  Which has not been happening but still, I'm home and don't need to get the blood drawing at the crack of dawn.

Today I do have the pleasure to get my blood drawn to check my INR levels.  The slight problem with that is I have not been getting the belly shots that I think jump starts my INR levels, so I know they are going to be all out of whack.  I'm also taking a very high level of steroids which I realized last night when I was trying to go to bed that is an additional factor to my INR level probably being low.  For some reason I'm not so worried about my INR levels because they told me last week that the blood clot was really gone and that I just had thickness on the walls of my veins.  

Today I get to go back to work and I could not be more excited.  Crazy, right?  I am pumped to go back to the busiest day of the week and I have no reservations about it.  I just want to go back to normal and spending a week in the hospital made me feel the farthest from normal I have in a long while.  But tonight I get to work with my friends.  So excited.

I'm going to post some of the pictures I took last week; one of my ET finger and the other of the building I was in/the view of the second room.  I know I have been saying this for a while, but I am actually doing it today before I go into work.  

Once again thanks for every kind thought and prayer everyone has sent this way.  Love you all