I saw someone do a blog post on what they did in the year 2013.
I love lists. I especially love best of lists. So here we go...
In 2013, I....
...went on a cruise on one of the biggest boats in the world.
...went to some amazing concerts with some of my favorite people. Big shows or small shows. I couldn't complain.
...interviewed with Yale and while I didn't get it, I interviewed.
...established a small family with a wonderful group of ambitious people who I couldn't be more thankful to have in my life.
...watched my best friend get married to the love of her life.
...lost one of the most important people in my life. I miss my father every single day but I am so blessed to have had him in my life for 26 years.
...DID NOT END UP IN THE HOSPITAL THE WHOLE YEAR!!!!!
Here's to finally ending this overall miserable year where my life was changed completely but I am still moving forward trying to stay positive.
Happy 2014 everyone. Here's to a year filled with positivity, love, laughter, health and amazing friends.
Monday, December 30, 2013
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
Walking In a Winter Wonderland
There is nothing better then a snow day, even when you are a twenty something and losing out on money because you are spending the day at home.
Winter is rearing it's ugly head this week as we have reached our second snow fall in four days.
When I don't have to leave the house, I love them.
Snow days are meant for pajamas and watching movies and eating food that is bad for you.
Even though snow days are different from when I was younger, and I actually have to shovel instead of play in the snow, I would take lazy snow days all the time.
Winter is rearing it's ugly head this week as we have reached our second snow fall in four days.
When I don't have to leave the house, I love them.
Snow days are meant for pajamas and watching movies and eating food that is bad for you.
Even though snow days are different from when I was younger, and I actually have to shovel instead of play in the snow, I would take lazy snow days all the time.
Friday, December 13, 2013
Friday Favorites
Not only do I love Friday's because it's the start of the weekend, but also because I can share my favorite things with you all.
1. This song. Like most songs I write about on here, it speaks to my soul. I think this song is one hundred percent better without Christina in it (sorry I had to say it). Those piano cords and his voice rip out my soul in such a good way.
2. That I get to spend the dreaded 13th of the month with my Dad's best friend slash our neighbor Joe. Was it weird that one of my Dad's best friends was an 83 year old man? Not really. Is it weird that I'm tickled pink whenever I get to talk to him or hear that he talked highly about me at work? Not even close.
3. These girls. This family. This picture. Our memories.
4. Text messages from important people in my life telling me what a wonderful special person I am. Yes, this is selfish, but I got two text messages this week that honestly put such a huge smile on my face because I'm reminded how many great people I have in my life.
5. Peppermint Mochas from Starbucks and the wonderful baristas that welcome me with bright personalities every morning. It's a great way to start a day.
Let me leave you with this piece of advice that I am reminded of every day, but especially on the 13th of the month. Let your loved ones know how important they are to you. Hug people who you adore and tell them you love them. Embrace the good in your life. Because you will miss it when it's gone.
1. This song. Like most songs I write about on here, it speaks to my soul. I think this song is one hundred percent better without Christina in it (sorry I had to say it). Those piano cords and his voice rip out my soul in such a good way.
2. That I get to spend the dreaded 13th of the month with my Dad's best friend slash our neighbor Joe. Was it weird that one of my Dad's best friends was an 83 year old man? Not really. Is it weird that I'm tickled pink whenever I get to talk to him or hear that he talked highly about me at work? Not even close.
3. These girls. This family. This picture. Our memories.
4. Text messages from important people in my life telling me what a wonderful special person I am. Yes, this is selfish, but I got two text messages this week that honestly put such a huge smile on my face because I'm reminded how many great people I have in my life.
5. Peppermint Mochas from Starbucks and the wonderful baristas that welcome me with bright personalities every morning. It's a great way to start a day.
Let me leave you with this piece of advice that I am reminded of every day, but especially on the 13th of the month. Let your loved ones know how important they are to you. Hug people who you adore and tell them you love them. Embrace the good in your life. Because you will miss it when it's gone.
Monday, December 9, 2013
Motivational Monday
Because let's be serious, who actually enjoys Monday?
Let's start writing some beautiful stories friends
Let's start writing some beautiful stories friends
Sunday, December 8, 2013
The Beauty of Snow
Snow has a specific smell that takes over the air. Such a weird statement but if you grew up in New England, you may understand the idea of being able to smell a snow fall approaching.
I love the sight of snow falling, especially at night. It seems as if the whole world stills for those first few minutes of the storm and a silence drops on our busy lives. When the snow is untouched? That's complete beauty.
In case this snow starts tonight or tomorrow, please be safe friends.
Sunday, December 1, 2013
Winding Down from Thanksgiving
Weekends are hard. No easy way to put that. Weekends I have a lot of time to sit around and think. And having time to think is not a good thing to do.
Last night I sat around with Chris and his best friends from high school. These are the kids who I have watched grow up into some pretty amazing adults. They are taking the world by storm all over the East coast and yet they come together every now and then to catch up and go out.
I love that.
As we were sitting there, I reminded them about last year Thanksgiving Eve when my dad drove all their drunk asses home from the bar. One of them looks at me, says "Funny story," and proceeds to tell us that when he got out of the car, he got sick in his driveway.
As I sat around the table with them, I imagined my dad walking into the kitchen, telling everyone hello, and continuing on with his night of watching television.
Its moments like that I really miss my dad. When he would be so impressed with the people that my brother and his friends have become.
Saturday, November 30, 2013
A Thankful Post a Few Days Late
Thanksgiving was a few days ago. If this is any preview for the holidays, they are going to suck big time. But with family, and some wine, I think I can survive them. Plus I have this huge plan for the month of December that might make me feel better this year. I wanted to do big things last year and never followed through. This year, I just might make it happen.
Anyway, on Sunday I went to a Friendsgiving and we were instructed to write down 10 things that we were thankful for. We laughed, we cried, we toasted. But it was nice to sit with my closest friends and share what I am thankful for every day.
1. I'm thankful for my health. I'm on an ever present roller coaster ride but this year, the ride hasn't been horrible. And for the first time in years (knock on wood....) I have yet to end up in the hospital for any sorts of time except to visit my mother.
2. I'm thankful for patience. While I have little patience most of the time, I haven't acted out in my many thoughts of screaming at mean people or annoying coworkers.
3. Food, especially nachos.
4. Pictures to remind me of all the great memories.
5. And my family which includes the friends that have turned into family. I have leaned a great deal on them in the recent years of my life but nothing compares to this year. My mother and brother have been my rock. My work friends and Milford family have seen ugly sides of me and still loved me regardless. And every single person who has text messaged me, stopped by, called or reached out in some way, it means the world to me. I lost one of the most important family members in my life this year, and I am especially thankful that I had him in my life for 26 years.
I'm a firm believer in constantly telling those around you how thankful you are for them daily. It shouldn't just be a once in a year thing. I think we should always tell those we love how much we love them, including tons of hugs every day.
Anyway, on Sunday I went to a Friendsgiving and we were instructed to write down 10 things that we were thankful for. We laughed, we cried, we toasted. But it was nice to sit with my closest friends and share what I am thankful for every day.
1. I'm thankful for my health. I'm on an ever present roller coaster ride but this year, the ride hasn't been horrible. And for the first time in years (knock on wood....) I have yet to end up in the hospital for any sorts of time except to visit my mother.
2. I'm thankful for patience. While I have little patience most of the time, I haven't acted out in my many thoughts of screaming at mean people or annoying coworkers.
3. Food, especially nachos.
4. Pictures to remind me of all the great memories.
5. And my family which includes the friends that have turned into family. I have leaned a great deal on them in the recent years of my life but nothing compares to this year. My mother and brother have been my rock. My work friends and Milford family have seen ugly sides of me and still loved me regardless. And every single person who has text messaged me, stopped by, called or reached out in some way, it means the world to me. I lost one of the most important family members in my life this year, and I am especially thankful that I had him in my life for 26 years.
I'm a firm believer in constantly telling those around you how thankful you are for them daily. It shouldn't just be a once in a year thing. I think we should always tell those we love how much we love them, including tons of hugs every day.
Friday, November 22, 2013
Friday Five
1. I caught the eight o'clock show of Catching Fire with Emily and Liz. Basically, it was amazing and I'm not just saying that because I loved the series. Gone was the shaky camera angles that plagued the first movie. And in turn, we saw each character's story grow deeper. Also, it doesn't hurt that Jennifer Lawerence is beautiful.
2. Friendgiving this Sunday. Wonderful food. Great drinks. And even better friends. What more could a girl ask for to end a week.
3. Love letters. Not only do I look forward to getting them, but sending them makes me really happy. I love knowing that a letter will hopefully bring a huge smile on my friends faces.
4. Catching up on with old work friends over dinner. After a really crappy reason to get together with former coworkers, to be able to go out for a quick meal was refreshing.
5. Buzzfeed articles. If you don't find at least one article upon looking up the website you enjoy, then I feel sorry for you. I mean who doesn't love lists?
2. Friendgiving this Sunday. Wonderful food. Great drinks. And even better friends. What more could a girl ask for to end a week.
3. Love letters. Not only do I look forward to getting them, but sending them makes me really happy. I love knowing that a letter will hopefully bring a huge smile on my friends faces.
4. Catching up on with old work friends over dinner. After a really crappy reason to get together with former coworkers, to be able to go out for a quick meal was refreshing.
5. Buzzfeed articles. If you don't find at least one article upon looking up the website you enjoy, then I feel sorry for you. I mean who doesn't love lists?
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
Love Letter to the World
There are times that I almost hear my dad telling me to smile a little more. To laugh at something or to make some sort of joke that everyone in the room is avoiding.
With the holiday season rearing it's head from hiding earlier then ever this year, I can't help remember where I was a year ago. I wasn't in a great place because I didn't understand why I had to go to the hospital again and be on all sorts of medications again.
Plain and simple? I was tired of it all.
So I came up with a mission to write letters and leave them in the hospital. For those people who had to spend time in the hospital for whatever reason. For the hospital staff who has to work long hours and are sometimes the only source of entertainment for patients.
Did I ever proceed with this mission of mine? No.
I called to find out how one can make this happen and they basically told me it's not possible. And that one door slamming in my face brought my whole resolve to a screeching halt. Instead, I turned to my friends, and sent them letters and cards for the holidays.
This year? I want to send my love letters to people who have experienced some sort of pain in their life so they can smile for a small minute. I want to send letters to those people who I care for to let them know I love them. And spread a little love and smiles during this holiday season.
Because that's what the holidays are all about right? Sharing love with those around you.
With the holiday season rearing it's head from hiding earlier then ever this year, I can't help remember where I was a year ago. I wasn't in a great place because I didn't understand why I had to go to the hospital again and be on all sorts of medications again.
Plain and simple? I was tired of it all.
So I came up with a mission to write letters and leave them in the hospital. For those people who had to spend time in the hospital for whatever reason. For the hospital staff who has to work long hours and are sometimes the only source of entertainment for patients.
Did I ever proceed with this mission of mine? No.
I called to find out how one can make this happen and they basically told me it's not possible. And that one door slamming in my face brought my whole resolve to a screeching halt. Instead, I turned to my friends, and sent them letters and cards for the holidays.
This year? I want to send my love letters to people who have experienced some sort of pain in their life so they can smile for a small minute. I want to send letters to those people who I care for to let them know I love them. And spread a little love and smiles during this holiday season.
Because that's what the holidays are all about right? Sharing love with those around you.
Monday, November 11, 2013
A New Normal
I have been thinking a lot about this blog. About the title of it. About the description of it. And why I began this blog in the first place.
When I started this in 2010, I didn't want the repeated answers of family and friends questions about my condition. My blog was a way for me to share all my medical problems and vent with all the problems I faced at such a young age. For most of my blog, I was questioning what I was going through and why it took forever for me to be diagnosed with colitisis.
As the years went on, I embarked on my new normal. This included taking medications daily instead of being the "healthy" girl who only took medication during headaches. It was regular blood work and being on a first name basis with most of my doctors and the people in their office. This also included the highs and lows of having this disease that many people are not able to see.
Since May, I have another new normal that I have been trying to navigate. The new normal of not having my dad around. Most times I fail at the attempt of surviving the world without my dad. Sometimes I believe he is looking down on me and smiling at the woman that I am. But other times, I fear that I'm not being strong enough to make him proud. Silly, I know because my dad was proud of everything I do. But he was always my biggest cheerleader and I want to make him proud of the woman that I am and how hard I am trying to float in this new normal.
I'm sure this all doesn't make sense. Dad used to joke with me that most of my posts were just rambling about a whole lot of nothing. But I haven't changed how it has always been.
If you are willing, I'm still navigating through this New Normal of mine and I plan on documenting that journey a little better. I hope you will join me in this crazy ride and see the life I want to lead that will make my father happy.
When I started this in 2010, I didn't want the repeated answers of family and friends questions about my condition. My blog was a way for me to share all my medical problems and vent with all the problems I faced at such a young age. For most of my blog, I was questioning what I was going through and why it took forever for me to be diagnosed with colitisis.
As the years went on, I embarked on my new normal. This included taking medications daily instead of being the "healthy" girl who only took medication during headaches. It was regular blood work and being on a first name basis with most of my doctors and the people in their office. This also included the highs and lows of having this disease that many people are not able to see.Since May, I have another new normal that I have been trying to navigate. The new normal of not having my dad around. Most times I fail at the attempt of surviving the world without my dad. Sometimes I believe he is looking down on me and smiling at the woman that I am. But other times, I fear that I'm not being strong enough to make him proud. Silly, I know because my dad was proud of everything I do. But he was always my biggest cheerleader and I want to make him proud of the woman that I am and how hard I am trying to float in this new normal.
I'm sure this all doesn't make sense. Dad used to joke with me that most of my posts were just rambling about a whole lot of nothing. But I haven't changed how it has always been.
If you are willing, I'm still navigating through this New Normal of mine and I plan on documenting that journey a little better. I hope you will join me in this crazy ride and see the life I want to lead that will make my father happy.
Sunday, October 20, 2013
There are times that I think about that day and it honestly takes my breathe away.
The pain comes in, and I can't stop every moment from that day replaying in my mind.
Every day I miss you more. Sometimes, I hear your voice cheering me on and every day I hope I make you proud.
But more then that, every single second, I wish I could have you back in my life because this pain is not something I'm ever going to get used to.
Miss you pops.
The pain comes in, and I can't stop every moment from that day replaying in my mind.
Every day I miss you more. Sometimes, I hear your voice cheering me on and every day I hope I make you proud.
But more then that, every single second, I wish I could have you back in my life because this pain is not something I'm ever going to get used to.
Miss you pops.
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
Let it Be.
One of my greatest fears is getting a flare up due to my ulcerative colitis and unfortunately, it seems like I'm in the midst of one now.
There are some diseases or conditions that people suffer every day that we don't know the type of struggle they face day in and day out. Every time I hear of someone with the same condition as me, a part of my heart breaks because I know the pain they can suffer if their medications don't work.
At the current time, mine seem to be failing me.
Unfortunately, this means that I often have to justify the pain of eating because I need to enjoy the taste of the food rather then avoid it and deal with the hunger pains. I have to deal with the looks of concern from my mom whenever I have pains in my stomach that makes me need to pause a show we are watching. And I have to be a rock of strength during the especially tough times because I don't like having this condition be a weakness.
A few weeks ago, when my face broke out like crazy, I found out that I was on some "big" medications for such a "young girl". Not going to lie, those confessions from the nurse practitioner and another doctor scared the crap out of me. These medications that wear down my immune system? Yeah, not very much fun. The medication that makes me tired all the time? I love not being able to work a normal nine to five job without being exhausted by the end of the shift.
Ulcerative colitis is something I would never wish on one of my enemies, let alone to anyone I love. I am lucky to have a great support system whenever these lows come around to try and make me smile, and forget just for one moment that I am not normal.
There are some diseases or conditions that people suffer every day that we don't know the type of struggle they face day in and day out. Every time I hear of someone with the same condition as me, a part of my heart breaks because I know the pain they can suffer if their medications don't work.
At the current time, mine seem to be failing me.
Unfortunately, this means that I often have to justify the pain of eating because I need to enjoy the taste of the food rather then avoid it and deal with the hunger pains. I have to deal with the looks of concern from my mom whenever I have pains in my stomach that makes me need to pause a show we are watching. And I have to be a rock of strength during the especially tough times because I don't like having this condition be a weakness.
A few weeks ago, when my face broke out like crazy, I found out that I was on some "big" medications for such a "young girl". Not going to lie, those confessions from the nurse practitioner and another doctor scared the crap out of me. These medications that wear down my immune system? Yeah, not very much fun. The medication that makes me tired all the time? I love not being able to work a normal nine to five job without being exhausted by the end of the shift.
Ulcerative colitis is something I would never wish on one of my enemies, let alone to anyone I love. I am lucky to have a great support system whenever these lows come around to try and make me smile, and forget just for one moment that I am not normal.
Thursday, September 12, 2013
Thankful Thursday
I saw on girl meets life a wonderful idea. I have believed for some time now that we should all take a small break in our on the go lives to look around and be thankful for the beauty that is in on lives. With the difficult past four months, I think in order to move forward, stating what I'm grateful for is the best idea.
Getting emails from the universe every morning.
Hugs from my mother and brother.
Unexpected letters from friends....and writing them to those I love.
A strangers kindness and smiles, especially during difficult days.
A reemergence of summer.
Justin Timberlake tickets.
It's the little things in life; especially those things that make my day a little easier. I'm beyond thankful for the amazing people in my life. If I have learned anything recently, I am surrounded by beautiful people who love me unconditionally.
Getting emails from the universe every morning.
Hugs from my mother and brother.
Unexpected letters from friends....and writing them to those I love.
A strangers kindness and smiles, especially during difficult days.
A reemergence of summer.
Justin Timberlake tickets.
It's the little things in life; especially those things that make my day a little easier. I'm beyond thankful for the amazing people in my life. If I have learned anything recently, I am surrounded by beautiful people who love me unconditionally.
America the Beautiful.
I was sitting in an art class when the principal got on the intercom to tell us that two planes had hit the twin towers.
I didn't realize how these attacks would change my whole world. I didn't realize that my "family" would lose such a dear loved one whom they would remember at dances throughout the past twelve years. I didn't realize the huge impact these attacks would be to our whole lives.
I don't want this whole post to be about those vicious attacks, but rather a celebration of those wonderful souls who were lost on that September day. To the innocent souls of those people on the planes, in those buildings and all those amazing first responders.
Twelve years ago yesterday, we witnessed one of the most horrific acts against our country in recent history. We also witnessed the best in our society, how our country came together to support those who went through such extreme loss and tried to restore a beautiful city.
To all the people who lost a loved one twelve years ago yesterday, I want to envelop every one of you in a hug. And to those souls who were lost that day, rest peacefully; you are American heroes.
I love this Flag of Honor which was featured at the Michael Miller dance in 2011 with all the victims names on it. What a beautiful tribute.
I didn't realize how these attacks would change my whole world. I didn't realize that my "family" would lose such a dear loved one whom they would remember at dances throughout the past twelve years. I didn't realize the huge impact these attacks would be to our whole lives.
I don't want this whole post to be about those vicious attacks, but rather a celebration of those wonderful souls who were lost on that September day. To the innocent souls of those people on the planes, in those buildings and all those amazing first responders.
Twelve years ago yesterday, we witnessed one of the most horrific acts against our country in recent history. We also witnessed the best in our society, how our country came together to support those who went through such extreme loss and tried to restore a beautiful city.
To all the people who lost a loved one twelve years ago yesterday, I want to envelop every one of you in a hug. And to those souls who were lost that day, rest peacefully; you are American heroes.
I love this Flag of Honor which was featured at the Michael Miller dance in 2011 with all the victims names on it. What a beautiful tribute.
Sunday, September 8, 2013
I am a girl who has always loved music. Any experience I have can be improved one hundred times more with a good soundtrack.
Today was no exception.
Today I went to a small time country fair that got struck with a bit of lightening when they enlisted, at the time, a small time country band named Florida Georgia Line. This band went on to have a number one single that became a mega hit when that song linked up with Nelly and became one of the songs of the summer.
To say I love Florida Georgia Line's music is an understatement. It reminds me of the wonderful people I hang with on a regular basis. Such a happy little time, where I can sing at the top of my lungs and dance like a crazy woman.
Today was the perfect way to end the summer with my loves, seeing a great band, who absolutely ROCKED the show.
And the fact that it was a beautiful day out? I know I had my angel smiling at me while I danced my heart out.
Today was no exception.
Today I went to a small time country fair that got struck with a bit of lightening when they enlisted, at the time, a small time country band named Florida Georgia Line. This band went on to have a number one single that became a mega hit when that song linked up with Nelly and became one of the songs of the summer.
To say I love Florida Georgia Line's music is an understatement. It reminds me of the wonderful people I hang with on a regular basis. Such a happy little time, where I can sing at the top of my lungs and dance like a crazy woman.
Today was the perfect way to end the summer with my loves, seeing a great band, who absolutely ROCKED the show.
And the fact that it was a beautiful day out? I know I had my angel smiling at me while I danced my heart out.
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
Best Friends Make the World Go Round.
Ladies and gentlemen.
This weekend, my very best friend is getting married. And I could not be more excited for her.
I have known Stacey since I started school. I remember sitting next to her in the circle, maybe because we were sitting in alphabetical order. I introduced myself, and was quickly told that I couldn't be her best friend, because a girl named Amanda knew her longer.
And all these years later, we are all still friends.
Stacey is my sister in all sense of the word. We have complained about countless guys, and I'm sure there have been tears. There have been countless nights out which has started to include alcohol as we grew up. The most special part of our sisterhood is that no matter how much time passes that Stacey and I don't talk to each other, we pick up right where we left off; chatting away like two little girls from all those years ago.
I remember the day that Stacey brought Brett over to meet everyone. We were having a party, and Stace was so nervous to introduce Brett to my Dad because she was introducing him to her other father. And my dad.....God he loved Stacey. He was so happy that she was getting married. He couldn't wait to make the journey to New Jersey to watch his other daughter get married.
I can't wait to see my very best friend, and sister get married this weekend. I am so honored to watch Stacey marry her best friend and be part of her very special day.
To Stacey, who I know is one of my number one readers: I know you are going to make the most beautiful bride. My dad is going to be right there, watching you with a huge smile on his face. I love you tons.
This weekend, my very best friend is getting married. And I could not be more excited for her.
I have known Stacey since I started school. I remember sitting next to her in the circle, maybe because we were sitting in alphabetical order. I introduced myself, and was quickly told that I couldn't be her best friend, because a girl named Amanda knew her longer.
And all these years later, we are all still friends.
Stacey is my sister in all sense of the word. We have complained about countless guys, and I'm sure there have been tears. There have been countless nights out which has started to include alcohol as we grew up. The most special part of our sisterhood is that no matter how much time passes that Stacey and I don't talk to each other, we pick up right where we left off; chatting away like two little girls from all those years ago.
I remember the day that Stacey brought Brett over to meet everyone. We were having a party, and Stace was so nervous to introduce Brett to my Dad because she was introducing him to her other father. And my dad.....God he loved Stacey. He was so happy that she was getting married. He couldn't wait to make the journey to New Jersey to watch his other daughter get married.
I can't wait to see my very best friend, and sister get married this weekend. I am so honored to watch Stacey marry her best friend and be part of her very special day.
To Stacey, who I know is one of my number one readers: I know you are going to make the most beautiful bride. My dad is going to be right there, watching you with a huge smile on his face. I love you tons.
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
Sometimes I feel like I am a ghost of my formal self. That some how people see the smile or hear the laughter and don't realize that it's all for a show. Most of the time that smile is trying to hide the tears that want to spill out and the laughter? That's because for maybe a split second, I forgot how much my heart is broken.
I don't know if my heart will ever heal. I'm scared of how I will face life without him. You have to understand, my Dad was my everything. The one I turned to when I had a terrible day. The one I turned to when I wasn't feeling well, or when I just wanted to have a beer when I didn't like work very much. He was the one who told me I could do anything my heart desires.
Every day is a struggle. Don't take the smile and laughter for face value. Most of the time my heart is racing because I think I'm doing the grieving thing wrong, or that someone who sees me is judging me. Sometimes I worry that people see me as broken, or they will feel pity for me. Sometimes I am really angry that he had to be taken away; those times are the worst.
I have been told for a few years now that everything happens for a reason. I just don't know what these life lessons are. I don't want to constantly be the strong person who has had all these terrible things happen to her. I hate that. For once, I want to be the care free girl who seems to have the world at her finger tips.
I don't know how I'm going to get through this. These past few months have been one terrible roller coaster and I want off this ride now.
I don't know if my heart will ever heal. I'm scared of how I will face life without him. You have to understand, my Dad was my everything. The one I turned to when I had a terrible day. The one I turned to when I wasn't feeling well, or when I just wanted to have a beer when I didn't like work very much. He was the one who told me I could do anything my heart desires.
Every day is a struggle. Don't take the smile and laughter for face value. Most of the time my heart is racing because I think I'm doing the grieving thing wrong, or that someone who sees me is judging me. Sometimes I worry that people see me as broken, or they will feel pity for me. Sometimes I am really angry that he had to be taken away; those times are the worst.
I have been told for a few years now that everything happens for a reason. I just don't know what these life lessons are. I don't want to constantly be the strong person who has had all these terrible things happen to her. I hate that. For once, I want to be the care free girl who seems to have the world at her finger tips.
I don't know how I'm going to get through this. These past few months have been one terrible roller coaster and I want off this ride now.
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
Miss You
The past three weeks, I have been putting one foot in front of another in kind of a fog. I can not imagine life without you at every turn with some sort of helpful hint or just a twinkle in your eye. To give me a hug when I had a hard day at work, or when I'm not feeling okay, and telling me that everything will be okay.
The past three weeks have been miserable without you.
Yesterday, I went to visit with Dad and I just sat there and cried. I'm sure I looked like a lunatic, but I'm okay with that. I realized a little too late on my journey to the cemetary that I didn't bring any tissues. I was a plain mess on the walk back home. It was good to have a conversation with him though. I miss talking to my dad the most; those were some of my favorite conversations.
Today was my first day back at work, but I'm going to slowly work my way back into the whole interacting with customers thing. To be completely honest, sometimes it felt as if it was any normal day after a holiday, with nothing out of the ordinary. But then other times, I wanted to sit in the corner and just cry because I missed him so much. Then a regular customer, whom I didn't realize knew about Dad, said he was sorry to hear about my father. It felt as if someone kicked me in the stomach and my whole breath was taking away from me. I think it's going to be that way for a while, when someone mentions his name and I can't believe I won't actually see you again. That these people who say they are sorry to hear about this great man that they didn't ever have the pleasure of knowing baffles me.
I'm still wishing for a nightmare. I would give anything to go back to that afternoon and change everything. To hug him when I got out of work. To tell him that I love him and how lucky I am to be his daughter. And to just hold him tighter, because I truly miss my best friend.
The past three weeks have been miserable without you.
Yesterday, I went to visit with Dad and I just sat there and cried. I'm sure I looked like a lunatic, but I'm okay with that. I realized a little too late on my journey to the cemetary that I didn't bring any tissues. I was a plain mess on the walk back home. It was good to have a conversation with him though. I miss talking to my dad the most; those were some of my favorite conversations.
Today was my first day back at work, but I'm going to slowly work my way back into the whole interacting with customers thing. To be completely honest, sometimes it felt as if it was any normal day after a holiday, with nothing out of the ordinary. But then other times, I wanted to sit in the corner and just cry because I missed him so much. Then a regular customer, whom I didn't realize knew about Dad, said he was sorry to hear about my father. It felt as if someone kicked me in the stomach and my whole breath was taking away from me. I think it's going to be that way for a while, when someone mentions his name and I can't believe I won't actually see you again. That these people who say they are sorry to hear about this great man that they didn't ever have the pleasure of knowing baffles me.
I'm still wishing for a nightmare. I would give anything to go back to that afternoon and change everything. To hug him when I got out of work. To tell him that I love him and how lucky I am to be his daughter. And to just hold him tighter, because I truly miss my best friend.
Saturday, May 25, 2013
I Miss You.
My world stopped on Monday, May 13 2013 around 4:30.
I wish I could explain how empty I feel. I wish I could explain the pain it is to lose not only your best friend, but your father as well. My heart was ripped out of my body last week and sometimes, I don't think it will ever be replaced.
I really wish this was all a bad dream. That tomorrow I could wake up and Dad would be sitting in the living room reading the paper and telling me that there was no Powerball winner and how he changed his spreadsheet for his winnings. I wish I would get text messages from him in the middle of the night to tell me what channel his favorite movie, Friends With Benefits was on.
I wish I could tell him that I loved him more. I wish he was making dinner when I was coming home from work and tell me all the different things he did in the garden. I wish I could see him interact with Mom and saying how much she "hates him" with the sparkle in his eye because he knows for a fact that it is far from the truth.
I wish he was here to hug me when I'm feeling sad about silly people who have hurt my heart or when I have a bad day at work. I wish he was here to encourage me everyday that I can do better at life, and to encourage me that I should go after my dreams.
I'm so lost without my father and it's only been two weeks. I cry at the most random times, and just wish he was here all the time. Tonight, I almost text messaged him to tell him something, I can't remember what exactly, but I had to physically stop myself because I know he won't be able to read it. Sometimes I think about all the things that he's going to miss in my life. If I ever get married, or have kids. Or when I find that job that I absolutely love. And my heart breaks even more knowing he won't be there to smile at me, or crack jokes.
My whole world stopped that Monday and part of me isn't sure if it ever will really start over again.
I wish I could explain how empty I feel. I wish I could explain the pain it is to lose not only your best friend, but your father as well. My heart was ripped out of my body last week and sometimes, I don't think it will ever be replaced.
I really wish this was all a bad dream. That tomorrow I could wake up and Dad would be sitting in the living room reading the paper and telling me that there was no Powerball winner and how he changed his spreadsheet for his winnings. I wish I would get text messages from him in the middle of the night to tell me what channel his favorite movie, Friends With Benefits was on.
I wish I could tell him that I loved him more. I wish he was making dinner when I was coming home from work and tell me all the different things he did in the garden. I wish I could see him interact with Mom and saying how much she "hates him" with the sparkle in his eye because he knows for a fact that it is far from the truth.
I wish he was here to hug me when I'm feeling sad about silly people who have hurt my heart or when I have a bad day at work. I wish he was here to encourage me everyday that I can do better at life, and to encourage me that I should go after my dreams.
I'm so lost without my father and it's only been two weeks. I cry at the most random times, and just wish he was here all the time. Tonight, I almost text messaged him to tell him something, I can't remember what exactly, but I had to physically stop myself because I know he won't be able to read it. Sometimes I think about all the things that he's going to miss in my life. If I ever get married, or have kids. Or when I find that job that I absolutely love. And my heart breaks even more knowing he won't be there to smile at me, or crack jokes.
My whole world stopped that Monday and part of me isn't sure if it ever will really start over again.
Monday, April 22, 2013
Getting Back to Normal
Ever have one of those perfect moments? When you back to think about it, all you can do is smile.
That was Saturday afternoon after work.
I went to meet up with my family and brother at a local bar. We haven't all gotten together in a very long time and it was nice to all sit there, laugh and tell stories about things going on in our life. It was amazing, especially after all the troubles from last week.
To be with some of the people I love the most? In a place that I enjoy a lot? It was wonderful.
That was Saturday afternoon after work.
I went to meet up with my family and brother at a local bar. We haven't all gotten together in a very long time and it was nice to all sit there, laugh and tell stories about things going on in our life. It was amazing, especially after all the troubles from last week.
To be with some of the people I love the most? In a place that I enjoy a lot? It was wonderful.
Friday, April 19, 2013
Stay Strong, Boston
I'm heartbroken for every person who has been affected by this awful tragedy, not only the victims, but those who have been locked down throughout today.
I love Boston. I've gone several different times throughout the years, and I have always had an amazing time there. On Monday, I had countless friends watching the marathon. I had people I know who were running in the marathon. When I first heard of this tragedy, tears ran into my eyes, worrying about each one of my friends who was in the city for such a magical event. Because the Boston marathon, from what I hear, is a magical event.
I was supposed to be there on Monday. A few months back, my friend asked if I wanted to go cheer on her brother. While I never followed up with her, I had told her I wanted to go because I have always heard such great things about the race. A whole day where the city is basically shut down to celebrate this marathon? Who wouldn't want to go to such a celebration.
The city of Boston is once again shut down, but today, it's shut down to hunt for a teenage who has left such fear in not only the people of Boston, but also for the whole nation. I have been sitting in front of my television all day, trying to understand it all.
To my friends who are in Boston, you are amazing. To the people of Boston, you are strong. Keep your heads held high and know that you have an entire nation praying that this terror ends soon. I can not even begin to imagine how terrifying it is to hear the sirens constantly outside of my window, and being told not to leave my house. Boston is such a great city, filled with strength and beauty. I think we have seen both from the people of Boston this week and it shows the nation the some of the reasons why I love this city.
Thursday, April 11, 2013
Growing Up
For the third year in a row, work is doing an Easter Seals fundraiser throughout the month of April. For the third year in a row, we are doing a bake sale, and I have a Friday night to look forward to baking all sorts of goodies.
Yes, I understand to some this may sound lame, but I am so looking forward to making all sorts of delicious treats, trying out said treats, and hopefully raising a bunch of money for Easter Seals.
Today, I have been searching for recipes all over and can not wait to try them out. I don't know when I became this little domestic dare devil with baked goods, but I'm willing to try out the role as I see fit.
Yes, I understand to some this may sound lame, but I am so looking forward to making all sorts of delicious treats, trying out said treats, and hopefully raising a bunch of money for Easter Seals.
Today, I have been searching for recipes all over and can not wait to try them out. I don't know when I became this little domestic dare devil with baked goods, but I'm willing to try out the role as I see fit.
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Sunday, April 7, 2013
To put it simply, I've always been on the other side of the bed. I have always been the one reassuring everyone that I am okay, sometimes lying a little bit because you don't want your loved ones to worry even more about you. I've always been the one who has been bored out of her mind at home while everyone else is living their lives. I've been the one who sleeps to pass the time instead of watching countless reruns and the clock slowly pass.
Being on the other side sucks almost as much as being stuck in that bed recovering. I constantly worry about Mom. I worry that she's pushing herself too much or if she is comfortable. I worry that she'll start to do things that she shouldn't (cough Mom you need to stop doing that...cough). I worry that I'm not doing enough to help her out. And I worry that I'm not doing enough to help my dad.
My mom is strong and so is my dad. But it's still scary when I don't know how to help them. I know Mom is going to have her good days and her bad days. That's what the recovering from a major surgery calls for. There are times though, I wish I could take all of this away so they didn't have to deal with it.
I just want one year that my family doesn't have to worry about recovering from medical problems or hospital visits. I want one normal or boring year. Weird request right? But honestly, that sounds magical to me.
Being on the other side sucks almost as much as being stuck in that bed recovering. I constantly worry about Mom. I worry that she's pushing herself too much or if she is comfortable. I worry that she'll start to do things that she shouldn't (cough Mom you need to stop doing that...cough). I worry that I'm not doing enough to help her out. And I worry that I'm not doing enough to help my dad.
My mom is strong and so is my dad. But it's still scary when I don't know how to help them. I know Mom is going to have her good days and her bad days. That's what the recovering from a major surgery calls for. There are times though, I wish I could take all of this away so they didn't have to deal with it.
I just want one year that my family doesn't have to worry about recovering from medical problems or hospital visits. I want one normal or boring year. Weird request right? But honestly, that sounds magical to me.
Friday, April 5, 2013
Last week, my dad and I would spend the day visiting Mom in the hospital. The day would go like this. Dad and I would get to the hospital while Christopher went to work. We would spend some time with Mom before she ended up having food/fall asleep/have physical therapy. Dad and I would take this time to go to the cafe to get lunch for ourselves. Last Friday, we got to have Sugar cupcake from the cupcake truck. I was such a happy little camper that day.
After lunch, we would head back to Mom and sit around talking or watching TV. Sometimes she fell asleep, and often wake from her cat naps apologizing for falling asleep and "boring" us. I played Candy Crush for a good amount of the visits, even getting Dad to try his hand at the game. Eventually, Dad and I would leave the hospital with promises to come back.
We would go home where I would nap and wait for us to have some dinner. After dinner, Chris, Dad and I would head back to the hospital to spend some more time with Mom. We would hear what happened throughout the day while we were gone, and she would often catch Chris up on what he missed out on. We would giggle sometimes about stories being told multiple times, but we would spend quality family time.
This week Mom has been home. She is walking with a cane now and when I saw her go outside today, it almost brought tears to my eyes. I am beyond proud of how far she has come in just one week, and can only imagine the accomplishments she will be achieving every day from now on.
We sit in the family room cause Mom can't go up and down the stairs quite yet and we watch the sun go down every night. Or at least I do. And we chat about the day and enjoy the wonderful dinner that my dad makes for us every night.
I've grown to love family time. Does it make me a nerd for being completely okay with spending time with my family,cracking jokes and often giggling to a point I can't breathe?
I didn't think so either.
After lunch, we would head back to Mom and sit around talking or watching TV. Sometimes she fell asleep, and often wake from her cat naps apologizing for falling asleep and "boring" us. I played Candy Crush for a good amount of the visits, even getting Dad to try his hand at the game. Eventually, Dad and I would leave the hospital with promises to come back.
We would go home where I would nap and wait for us to have some dinner. After dinner, Chris, Dad and I would head back to the hospital to spend some more time with Mom. We would hear what happened throughout the day while we were gone, and she would often catch Chris up on what he missed out on. We would giggle sometimes about stories being told multiple times, but we would spend quality family time.
This week Mom has been home. She is walking with a cane now and when I saw her go outside today, it almost brought tears to my eyes. I am beyond proud of how far she has come in just one week, and can only imagine the accomplishments she will be achieving every day from now on.
We sit in the family room cause Mom can't go up and down the stairs quite yet and we watch the sun go down every night. Or at least I do. And we chat about the day and enjoy the wonderful dinner that my dad makes for us every night.
I've grown to love family time. Does it make me a nerd for being completely okay with spending time with my family,cracking jokes and often giggling to a point I can't breathe?
I didn't think so either.
Friday Favorites
This song is on heavy rotation on the radio right now and every time I hear it, I always tell who ever is around me that I absolutely love it. It's funny when a certain song can speak to your soul and this song has done it for me. I dare you to listen to this song and not fall in love.
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
Monday, April 1, 2013
A Love Letter to My Amazing Mom
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She is recovering from this major surgery, her second major surgery in the past two years, and I get inspired every time I watch her walk down the hall. Yes, I may give her a hard time as "pay back" for all the times she asked me if I was okay. But I worry about her every day and wish that all the pain she has felt the past few months/years goes away super fast.
She is one of the strongest people I know; barely complaining after this hip surgery. I can tell how bored she is because my mom is not the type to just sit around and do anything. It hasn't even been a week, and yet my mom wants to wash dishes because "she can just stand there."
My mother. She supports me with everything I do without a question and all I could wish for is to do the same in return.
Mom, while I know you are wicked bored right now, just know how proud I am of you for the strength you have shown since this surgery and every day before it. Please do not be afraid to ask me for anything; from putting on your slippers to moving some books into the living room. I love you a lot and can not wait until this all is such a distant memory.
Here Comes the Sun.
Springtime. A time for new beginnings. When all the flowers and birds and butterflies come out of hiding. And the sunshine warms the coldness we felt throughout the winter. Especially this winter.
What perfect way to enjoy an April 1st then having such a great spring day. Yes, I was inside at work all day, but I still was able to feel the wonderful spring time before the rain came pouring down to water those May flowers.
I am so looking forward to the possibilities of a new season changing. Winter was a trying time for our family and myself. Health problems and all. But like I said, I often feel the best during the summertime. I am going into this month, this season, the rest of this year, with such a positive attitude and nothing but great energy. Because we all deserve a bit of luck every once in a while and I think it's about time for my family to get some luck.
What perfect way to enjoy an April 1st then having such a great spring day. Yes, I was inside at work all day, but I still was able to feel the wonderful spring time before the rain came pouring down to water those May flowers.
I am so looking forward to the possibilities of a new season changing. Winter was a trying time for our family and myself. Health problems and all. But like I said, I often feel the best during the summertime. I am going into this month, this season, the rest of this year, with such a positive attitude and nothing but great energy. Because we all deserve a bit of luck every once in a while and I think it's about time for my family to get some luck.
Sunday, March 31, 2013
New Type of Holiday
With my mom just getting home from the hospital yesterday, our Easter celebrations are much different then what we normally do. Instead of cleaning the house all morning, waiting for family to come by mid afternoon, we lounged around the house for hours.
When we all finally got motivated, Mom moved to the living room chair to read and get a different view. I had the pleasure of cleaning dishes and watching Lifetime movies as Dad cooked our very early dinner. See, Christopher had a hockey game to go to with Greg and Jeff, so we had to have dinner around 2. Which means as I'm writing this blog, I'm thinking about what I want for a snack.
Once dinner was ready, the family sat around the living room and ate. We all got to chat about silly things and how Dad has to put Mom's walker across the room at night so she doesn't go explore without help.
The new type of holiday though? I enjoyed it. Everyone is relaxing now, and I haven't gotten out of my leggings/ tshirt combination. Part of me is sad that I wasn't able to get a bit dressed up at some point in the day, but the other part of me is completely fine with being a bum all day.
Now we are just waiting for some family to come over for coffee and cake that my dad made. Funfetti cake. My favorite cake. Can not wait.
Hope everyone got to spend this holiday with the people they love and enjoying some wonderful food.
Friday, March 22, 2013
Tomorrow I'm going to an engagement party. I personally can not believe I have come to the time of my life where I will be attending engagement parties and bridal showers. Where I will be having to buy wedding presents and pretty dresses instead of what will survive a crazy college party.
When I dress up in my cute dresses, I almost feel like I'm playing pretend. The "formal" night on the cruise made me feel as if I'm a child in an adult body never understanding the proper way to act because she hasn't grown up completely. But I like this whole trying to become an adult thing. Part of me feels as if I will start to get the hang out this growing up thing, eventually.
I know that the child in my will always be there though. Just check out the picture in the post below where I'm dressed up in a beautiful dress but making faces along the way. I'm totally fine with that.
When I dress up in my cute dresses, I almost feel like I'm playing pretend. The "formal" night on the cruise made me feel as if I'm a child in an adult body never understanding the proper way to act because she hasn't grown up completely. But I like this whole trying to become an adult thing. Part of me feels as if I will start to get the hang out this growing up thing, eventually.
I know that the child in my will always be there though. Just check out the picture in the post below where I'm dressed up in a beautiful dress but making faces along the way. I'm totally fine with that.
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Thanks to my wonderful work schedule this week, my list of things I need to accomplish before my trip seems like a mountain when it really is just a bump along the road. Packing, laundry, nails, calls to all sorts of places, and packing again, I don't know how I'm going to get it all done.
But I just have to remind myself, I will be in Miami on Friday morning as everyone I know heads to work. Does that make this all worth wild? Yes, yes it does.
And while I am nervous about this whole cruise thing due to my wonderful health issues, I'm so excited to be able to go on vacation with some of my favorite people and spend my days in the sunshine.
Sunshine makes everything better.
But I just have to remind myself, I will be in Miami on Friday morning as everyone I know heads to work. Does that make this all worth wild? Yes, yes it does.
And while I am nervous about this whole cruise thing due to my wonderful health issues, I'm so excited to be able to go on vacation with some of my favorite people and spend my days in the sunshine.
Sunshine makes everything better.
Sunday, March 3, 2013
To A Healthier New Me
While that list may not seem extensive, I often get side tracked and leave half of said list "to do tomorrow". And we all know how that story goes; tomorrow the items never get accomplished either.
Anyway, upon taking a "Wellness Review" to see how healthy I am, the computer generated that I am 54 points out of 100. Thank you machine that calculates my well being after some simple questions that either require a "yes" or "no" or pick between 1 and 5.
I'm going to try and be more positive though with this health thing. First, I don't have the pressure of $500 charge because I didn't get something accomplished. Instead I got it done months in advance. Second, after the cruise, I'm going gluten free. I'm lucky enough not to have an allergy like many people I know who have to go gluten free. Instead I'm doing it for my health and fingers crossed, it'll make the inflammation go down. Also after the cruise, I plan on working out more. I may not join a gym, but I don't think it's really necessary to join a gym to be healthier and work out more. First, spring is almost here and I'm going to try to get back into running. And I really want to try Yoga....I think the whole stretching your body and learning to breathe correctly is a wonderful way to destress.
So this is my promise to myself, to become healthier starting mid-March when I return from my trip. It's my body, why don't I try to start taking the best care of it possible?
Friday, March 1, 2013
Spring Just Around the Corner
Yesterday was an amazing day.
When I left work at 4, I did not need my jacket in order to keep warm. Instead, I felt the warmth of spring being just around the corner.
And I could not be happier.
I can not wait until I can fill my room with flowers from the garden again. When I can wear t-shirts and not freeze. When I can open the windows and not have to reach for a blanket to keep warm because warm air is coming into my room.
Spring! It's coming people. Get excited.
When I left work at 4, I did not need my jacket in order to keep warm. Instead, I felt the warmth of spring being just around the corner.
And I could not be happier.
I can not wait until I can fill my room with flowers from the garden again. When I can wear t-shirts and not freeze. When I can open the windows and not have to reach for a blanket to keep warm because warm air is coming into my room.
Spring! It's coming people. Get excited.
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Love Letters
For the past few months, I have become a fan of love letters.
It's simple really. I write letters to my friends whenever they are going through a rough patch, or when they accomplish something that I think they should be proud of. I write them hand written letters to know that someone cares enough to take a moment of their day to send well wishes there way.
If I could, I would write to every single person who has read this blog, or has sent a prayer or well wish throughout this whole journey to my family and I.
As I sit here thinking about the history of love letters, I long for the days where a guy would send a letter to his girl back at home to let her know how much he cared. I wish for the day that you sent your girlfriends letters filled with adventures of those summer days that you met the guy of your dreams, or you were able to let your hair down and have fun. Or the notes that were passed in secret during classes in middle school to your friends to pass the boring days.
Love letters. They can really change a person's whole day. Dare you to try it and not get a response that it brightened someone's day.
It's simple really. I write letters to my friends whenever they are going through a rough patch, or when they accomplish something that I think they should be proud of. I write them hand written letters to know that someone cares enough to take a moment of their day to send well wishes there way.
If I could, I would write to every single person who has read this blog, or has sent a prayer or well wish throughout this whole journey to my family and I.
As I sit here thinking about the history of love letters, I long for the days where a guy would send a letter to his girl back at home to let her know how much he cared. I wish for the day that you sent your girlfriends letters filled with adventures of those summer days that you met the guy of your dreams, or you were able to let your hair down and have fun. Or the notes that were passed in secret during classes in middle school to your friends to pass the boring days.
Love letters. They can really change a person's whole day. Dare you to try it and not get a response that it brightened someone's day.
Friday, February 22, 2013
I've made an important decision folks.
I'm going gluten free.
And I'm making a promise to try and be positive about this whole thing and not wallow on all the food that I will no longer be able to eat. Or the places I will be able to eat.
Actually, let's have a moment of silence about this sad turn of events.
Unlike most people who have been going gluten free or trying the whole "clean" eating thing, I'm not doing this to lose weight. Yes, it is a life style choice, but if I had a choice, I would continue to eat all the crappy food that I love.
Instead it's a life style choice to hopefully start a road to recovery. While my doctor may not say there is actual medical proof of a diet change working, I'm going to cross my fingers and toes that my inflammation will go down and I won't be so miserable all the time.
Which leads me to researching/going on Pinterest to find recipes for this new type of living I'm going to be doing.
Let the adventure begin.
I'm going gluten free.
And I'm making a promise to try and be positive about this whole thing and not wallow on all the food that I will no longer be able to eat. Or the places I will be able to eat.
Actually, let's have a moment of silence about this sad turn of events.
Unlike most people who have been going gluten free or trying the whole "clean" eating thing, I'm not doing this to lose weight. Yes, it is a life style choice, but if I had a choice, I would continue to eat all the crappy food that I love.
Instead it's a life style choice to hopefully start a road to recovery. While my doctor may not say there is actual medical proof of a diet change working, I'm going to cross my fingers and toes that my inflammation will go down and I won't be so miserable all the time.
Which leads me to researching/going on Pinterest to find recipes for this new type of living I'm going to be doing.
Let the adventure begin.
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
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