Love You More.....

Yesterday marked 1 year since I last heard your voice Daddy and I still feel lost without you.

Every day I miss you more then any words can explain.  When good things happen and when bad things occur, I reach my phone to text you.  Imagine the pain when I remember you are not around to give me advice anymore; that you are not there to encourage my dreams, or celebrate my achievements.  

365 days. 

Most days are long and sometimes I feel like I will eventually wake up from this terrible nightmare.  Yesterday showed me as much as I wish this was a dream, it's a new reality.  A reality I would never wish on anyone.

Last year, this world lost one of the best men that I have ever known and I was blessed to call you my father.  Our family's world crumbled and we have been struggling to regain some sort of footing ever since.  I truly believe the world lost a bit of it's sparkle because you left this life.  

Thank you Dad for making me into the caring, saracastic, hard working woman that I am today.  You taught me so much in the 26 years I was blessed to have you in my life and I am still learning from you every day.  Thank you for teaching me that I am stronger then I give myself credit for, even though I wish you were here to encourage me every day.  

I don't think there has been a day that has gone by that I don't think of you or miss you.  I hope I make you proud every single day, that's all I wish every single day.  I want you to know it's a struggle to face every single day, but I am a warrior for you.  I smile and treat people with respect like you taught me to.  

You were the best man I have ever known and I miss your smile, your sarcasm, your laughter and your daily advice on how to conquer this world.  I still can not believe it's been 365 days and I miss you every single day.

Love you more.

Thank You

This year I have been truly blessed.

Yes, this is an odd statement coming from me especially after 2013.

Over the past few days I have been thinking a lot about all the people who have been there for me during those dark days.  And those people who do everything in their power to make me laugh or smile.  The people who make me feel light again.

I have to believe my wonderful angel has placed certain people in my life.  The people who have pulled me out of my shell when all I wanted to do is hide.  The people who tell me what a beautiful soul I have.  The people who have cared for me even with a simple hello or smile or a heart text message because they woke up in the middle of the night thinking of me.

It's hard to believe that most of the people who I'm close with today were barely in my life last year.  These people I consider family, who I know will be there for so many years to come.  I'm so grateful for these friends, who continue to deal with my tears, and sadness, but also my complete joy and happiness when I'm around them.  I'm grateful for the people who continue to support me even after those scary, early dark days.

I can not put into words how grateful I am for all the loving support I have received over this past year.  I always knew I was blessed from the support I had throughout my many hospital stays, but the overwhelming love that we have gotten has been unreal.

To the friends and family who read this:  Thank you so much for the love you have sent me throughout this difficult journey.  For the cards and the letters and the well wishes.  Thank you for the countless hugs, for the dance parties when I didn't want to feel all the feelings.  For the patience with dealing with me especially on the days that I become way too quiet or was feeling really down.  The patience to hearing more stories about my dad then more people could tolerate.  Essentially thank you for being you, and for helping me along this weird long little journey that I ahve started down.

 

"I know that we all think we're immortal, we're supposed to feel that way, we're graduating. The future is and should be bright, but, like our brief four years in high school, what makes life valuable is that it doesn't last forever, what makes it precious is that it ends. I know that now more than ever. And I say it today of all days to remind us that time is luck. So don't waste it living someone else's life, make yours count for something. Fight for what matters to you, no matter what. Because even if you fall short, what better way is there to live?" 

Gwen Stacy Spiderman 2 

**don't mind the high school bit.  I saw the movie today and thought this quote was important to remember.

Birthday Season Commences

Isn't it funny when the weather starts to get warmer, the possibilities of fun adventures become more abundant?

Birthdays and engagements and graduations and moves and new adventures.

I have been reflecting a lot about my life recently.  Weird times are approaching and it makes me nervous.  But I have a lot of great people in my life who exude positivity into the world and my life.  And I am beyond blessed for that.  

I need cheerleaders in my life.  I need the fun adventures of going out to a bar and singing all sorts of old school songs with your friends.  Or the nights when friends save you from creepy guys who try to dance with you.  I need beach days.  Including walks on the beach with my mom looking for the perfect piece of sea glass.  I need to be surrounded by old childhood friends and celebrating the fact that I was part of a surprise party.  I need causing a ruckess in the middle of a diner because my girlfriends just are so excited about life.

Spring and summer mean more adventures.  Concerts. More birthdays.  Wineries.  Gradation celebrations.  

I couldn't be more excited for all the adventures coming my way.

 

Hoppy Easter

For the past two years, we have started new traditions for this wonderful spring holiday.  Last year was a low key day filled with sweat pants and hanging out in the living room because Mom was recovering from hip surgery. 

This year we decided to ditch the typical family traditions of ham and all that jazz and go our own way.  Let's be real.  The past year has been anything but normal for us and I (we) had a tough time for the holidays.  So it was nice to not make a big deal about this Sunday.

Instead, we went to visit with Nana before she went out with other family members.  We went to lunch/dinner at Eli's in Branford because it would be too weird to go to the other one. We went to visit Dad for a bit, where I promised him I would redo the grass because  I know he is cursing the fact that his space is all crab grass. 

And for the rest of the afternoon I have relaxed.

It might not sound like the most glamorous holiday, but for me, it was exactly what I loved.  New traditions are needed for our family, regardless of what others may think.  To spend it with two people who love me, it's what was wonderful for my soul.

Friday Favorites

I'm going to share my 5 favorite things from this week.

1. March Madness.  And UCONN basketball.  And trash talking with family members all day today.

2.  Girl's nights at the apartment where we honestly lay on the floor and just talk about life.

3. Finding sea glass on the beach....including the rare blue piece.

4.  Feeling Good in the 90's playlist on Songza.  Which brings to me jams such as this:

5.  This week I was told a few times I have a beautiful soul.  I think this is a beautiful compliment that makes me smile more then anyone realizes.

March Madness

I would be lying if I said I have been following UCONN basketball as closely as I once had this year.  But that doesn't mean that when the big dance comes I won't cheer on my Huskies and wish they to absolutely dominate the tournament.

I have loved basketball since I was little and UCONN was a staple in my house.  That's part of the reason why I wanted to go to UCONN, because the basketball program produced superstars.  For many years now, I have not kept quiet watching these games, often screaming at the television as if each of those players could hear my words frustrations at poorly executed plays.

With March Madness in full swing, I have become addicted to the various basketball games.  Kentucky versus Wichita State. Screamed at my team when they attempted that three pointer.  Syracuse AND Duke losing?  Tears of joy.  

And when my UCONN Huskies won in over time the first round, and turned around sloppy play to beat Villanova in the second, I couldn't be happier.  Let's be real, most people hate the Huskies.  But if there is anything I learn every time March Madness rolls around, UCONN has some loyal, die hard fans who wear their Husky pride no matter what.

I love our character. I love our guys. And we're gonna win this game. 

Kevin Ollie

An Ode to Spring

Spring has slowly been working itself into 2014 and I think I can speak for most people in New England when I say I can not welcome this change with open arms.

I have a positive outlook for this spring.  This winter seemed to drag so long (and is still coming if you believe the reports of this snow storm) that the few days of warm weather has put a HUGE smile on my face.  

After a long winter of gray, I love seeing all the pictures of colorful flowers.  In fact, it's making me beyond excited to start planting my garden.  That's right I plan on planting my own cut flower garden so I can surround myself with flowers on a regular basis.  Flowers just put a smile on anyone's face. I'm open to any sorts of suggestions.

Here's to spring everyone.  Flowers and sunshine.  Blue skies to encourage positivity.  Hikes with friends. Colorful outfits.  And wonderful memories with some amazing people.
 
 

Friday Fun

Life knows when you need an old friend to pop back into your life.  

You know those friends.  The people who you don't talk to all the time but when you do get back together, it's like no time has passed.

Julia walked into work on Friday and tears sprung into my eyes at not only the surprise but the fact that she took the time to come visit.

The last time I saw Julia was at my dad's wake and I can't remember the time before that.  We have tried to email back and forth but life sometimes just gets too busy.  Plus we had opposite schedules for a while there so we could never make set plans.

But for two hours, in a Starbucks next to work, Julia and I caught up with everything that has been happening in our lives.

If I'm honest, it was a perfect way to end a loooong week.  Old friends.  Great conversations.  And, a great drink.

(I told you I would blog more....)

Friday Favorites

Oh hi old stranger.  Lovely to see you again.  Here are few of my favorite things.

1. The Fault in Our Stars by John Green.  I wanted to read the book because it's coming out in theaters but the book exceeded my expectations.  I laughed.  I cried.  And I could no believe how much this book hit close to home.

2. Speaking of books....Words from a Wanderer by Alexandra Elle.  I found this on Amazon the day I went on a book splurge and it's beautiful.  I enjoy reading the encouraging words before work at Starbucks.

3.  Snapchat conversations with one of my best friends Tenzin.  Which includes her view of lunch at the hospital when she works the evening shift.  Makes me miss her a whole lot.

4.  Spring Break Memories.

5. Jamming to country music because I want the warm weather more then I want anything else.  But seriously, can someone tell me what's better then hearing country music to get you ready for summertime and beers with your best friends.

Life Lessons at 27

I've wanted to do a birthday post similar to last year's wonderful little post about life lessons I have learned now that I have recently turned 27.  (Yes it's a delayed post but work has been super busy and I think I have had a cold for most of said week.)

1.  Never, ever be afraid to tell the people who mean the most to you how important they are to you.  Unfortunately nothing in this life is guaranteed and I think one of the most important things is to remember we need to embrace those who we love and remind them every day.

2. A night of sitting on the floor, drinking and eating and gossiping with your friends is sometimes all a girl needs to let life worries disappear.

3.  Live for the experiences.  I have realized that I want to do everything.  I want to go to all the concerts.  I want to go to restaurants.  I want to go experience all the joys in life with my friends and no price tag (okay some price tags) will stop me.

4.  There is nothing more beautiful then watching your childhood best friend get married to the love of her life.  This includes watching your second dad cry when he walks into the hotel room and tears up when he sees her for the first time.  Or knowing that a special angel is smiling down on that girl he always thought of as his daughter as she became a Miller.

5.  People surprise you.  With a note, text message, visits, and hugs.  Kind words heal the soul and I don't if I could have survived 26 without the countless well wishes that many people in my life have sent me.

6. Yes, you can enjoy a beer from Luke Bryan's concert because of connections your friend has.

7.  Fresh flowers can liven up any room.

8.  It's a compliment when older gentlemen tell you there is not many people like you in the world.  For some reason I appreciate compliments from the older generation because they can tell what's really real.

9. NOTHING is better then a great outfit.  When you feel amazing, you feel invincible.

10.  Surround yourself with positive people.  People who will push you to be the best person you can be.  People who will support you.  People who will love you no matter what you have done, or no matter how much time has past since you have talked to them.  The people who love you regardless and want to see only the best for you.  Negativity takes it's toll on a person and if there is one thing I have learned, life is too short to let that affect you.

11.  Buzzfeed articles make the world go round.

12.  Jennifer Lawerence is a brilliant actress and a role model of our time.  Rarely do you hear her talking about a diet or exercising.  Instead you hear her talk about beers and eating and I really think she would fit right in with my friends.

13.  I was never one who disliked the number 13 or expected bad things on Friday the 13th.  I have since become a girl who can not stand that number and dread the day every month.

14. Inspirational quotes can make a tough day a little easier.  Do not judge anyone who may post many of them because you never know what they are going through.

15.  My father was one of the best people in my life.  The guy who would see me upset and give me a hug or try to crack some joke to get me to smile.  This world lost some of it's sparkle on May 13 2013 and I have been forever changed.  I'm a firm believer that my dad made sure to surround me with people who love me and try to get me to laugh even during the darkest days.  There has not been a day that has gone by where I don't miss my dad, but I hope he's with me every step of this crazy life and that he's proud of his little girl.

Happy belated birthday to me and hope everyone has a safe Superbowl Sunday.

Five Steps Back

Yesterday was a tough day.

Not that I don't miss Dad every day. But yesterday was the most difficult day I had in a while.

Mom and I were talking about informing people about what happened to Dad.  

And right there I balled my eyes out.  Because I miss him.  Because I don't get how people don't know.  And because I'm actually terrified to run into those people.

Next week is my birthday and I don't want to face it.  I will no longer be the age that Dad last knew me.  It's mind boogling to me.

The hard days take me back a few days.  I just don't want to be the strong one anymore.

Throwback Thursday

It's no secret that I am a fan of great music.  Yesterday I was reminded of some old favorites while Brenda's Pandora was playing at work.  

I mean who wasn't a fan of Fall Out Boy back in the day?  Becoming a fan of Fall Out Boy opened up a whole new music world for me at that time.  Yes, I'm nostalgic for this great music time in my life.  And yes, yesterday morning as I was working, I sang under my breathe to every FOB song that came on.

In honor of Throwback Thursday, I present one of my favorite songs from high school/college days. 

2014 Thus Far....

First blog post of the year 2014 and it's going to be a quick little round up.

Mom, Chris and I went to Miami for a vacation from winter, reality, and to spend as much time on the beach.

Flash forward to the polar vortex and the first two days were "cold" for Floridians in the fifties, but wonderful to us who were coming from temperatures in the teens.

Unfortunately for me, the days of relaxation wore off within a few hours of working.  

This vacation was a roller coaster of emotions.  I was standing by the ocean in January and wished so much that my dad was there.  But we got clues that he was there, every part of the vacation, and I couldn't be more blessed for those signs from heaven.

I promise to update this more in the year 2014.  More pictures, more posts and plenty more memories.