Miss You

The past three weeks, I have been putting one foot in front of another in kind of a fog.  I can not imagine life without you at every turn with some sort of helpful hint or just a twinkle in your eye.  To give me a hug when I had a hard day at work, or when I'm not feeling okay, and telling me that everything will be okay.

The past three weeks have been miserable without you.

Yesterday, I went to visit with Dad and I just sat there and cried.  I'm sure I looked like a lunatic, but I'm okay with that.  I realized a little too late on my journey to the cemetary that I didn't bring any tissues.  I was a plain mess on the walk back home.  It was good to have a conversation with him though.  I miss talking to my dad the most; those were some of my favorite conversations.

Today was my first day back at work, but I'm going to slowly work my way back into the whole interacting with customers thing.  To be completely honest, sometimes it felt as if it was any normal day after a holiday, with nothing out of the ordinary.  But then other times, I wanted to sit in the corner and just cry because I missed him so much.  Then a regular customer, whom I didn't realize knew about Dad, said he was sorry to hear about my father.  It felt as if someone kicked me in the stomach and my whole breath was taking away from me.  I think it's going to be that way for a while, when someone mentions his name and I can't believe I won't actually see you again.   That these people who say they are sorry to hear about this great man that they didn't ever have the pleasure of knowing baffles me.

I'm still wishing for a nightmare.  I would give anything to go back to that afternoon and change everything.  To hug him when I got out of work.  To tell him that I love him and how lucky I am to be his daughter.  And to just hold him tighter, because I truly miss my best friend.

 

I Miss You.

My world stopped on Monday, May 13 2013 around 4:30.

I wish I could explain how empty I feel.  I wish I could explain the pain it is to lose not only your best friend, but your father as well.  My heart was ripped out of my body last week and sometimes, I don't think it will ever be replaced.

I really wish this was all a bad dream.  That tomorrow I could wake up and Dad would be sitting in the living room reading the paper and telling me that there was no Powerball winner and how he changed his spreadsheet for his winnings.  I wish I would get text messages from him in the middle of the night to tell me what channel his favorite movie, Friends With Benefits was on.

I wish I could tell him that I loved him more.  I wish he was making dinner when I was coming home from work and tell me all the different things he did in the garden.  I wish I could see him interact with Mom and saying how much she "hates him" with the sparkle in his eye because he knows for a fact that it is far from the truth.

I wish he was here to hug me when I'm feeling sad about silly people who have hurt my heart or when I have a bad day at work.  I wish he was here to encourage me everyday that I can do better at life, and to encourage me that I should go after my dreams.

I'm so lost without my father and it's only been two weeks.  I cry at the most random times, and just wish he was here all the time.  Tonight, I almost text messaged him to tell him something, I can't remember what exactly, but I had to physically stop myself because I know he won't be able to read it.  Sometimes I think about all the things that he's going to miss in my life.  If I ever get married, or have kids.  Or when I find that job that I absolutely love.  And my heart breaks even more knowing he won't be there to smile at me, or crack jokes.

My whole world stopped that Monday and part of me isn't sure if it ever will really start over again.