Confession time.
I'm terrified that this blood clot, and flare up happened to me again. I'm also terrified that I will get more blood clots whenever I have these stupid flare ups.
And being scared is not a way to live your life.
It's funny. I have put a huge smile on my face and cracked jokes about a name and those types of things. But the truth is, I don't want people to feel sorry for me. Ever see that look come across someone's face when something bad happens to you? Imagine every single person giving you that look. Most of the time, it's encouraging to know I have people that care about me that much to actually care. But sometimes, it's a kick in the stomach. Because I just want it all to go away.
I'm 25 years old and this is my second (or third if you want to count each one once) blood clot in two years. It's my third trip to the hospital with the whole stomach thing. And every time I'm growing tired of constantly trying to look on the bright side of this thing.
I have been told by countless people that I am strong, which I am so freaking thankful for those words of encouragement. Anytime I hear that, I get empowered to fight this thing a little longer. But I just want a few months, maybe even a full year, where I don't have to worry about what I'm eating, or going to the hospital, or stopping my daily life because my leg is in pain.
I have not been as concerned this go around and I have tried to keep positive the best I can. I mean I'm able to go to work. I'm able to go out with my friends. I'm able to eat some stuff.
But.....One year universe.....is that too much to ask? Please.
This is me feeling sorry for myself on a Friday morning. Like really, I'm excited the weekend is upon us, and that I have a wonderful Halloween costume in my POWER color. I mean how is a girl not supposed to feel beautiful in RED
Friday, October 26, 2012
Always Winning....
Blood work.....such a fun filled little experience.
As the doctors are trying to find a happy medium with my medication and blood levels, I get to become a human pin cushion with my hands taking quite the beating every few days.
After the hospital, I was left with multiple bruises on my hands because that is the only place they can take blood or put in the IV lines. Unfortunately for me, my veins absolutely suck and I have several bruises covering my wrist and hands to a point where I was making jokes with the nurses that some may think I got in a fight and/or was a junkie. To which neither story is true, but that's something I would hope the people reading this would know.
Yesterday, I went to get more blood drawn and the guy had to try both of my hands because the first attempt didn't produce any results. Lucky me right? Instead, I had a very interesting discussion with the blood draw guy for ways to make the whole giving blood samples easier for me. I don't know if it's actually going to work.....I have terrible veins thanks to Mom, but I am willing to try anything because I have so few options for them to work with.
You know it's bad when the people at the blood drawing place knows your face and knows that you can't get blood drawn from the veins in your elbows (not really your elbows but still.....).
As the doctors are trying to find a happy medium with my medication and blood levels, I get to become a human pin cushion with my hands taking quite the beating every few days.
After the hospital, I was left with multiple bruises on my hands because that is the only place they can take blood or put in the IV lines. Unfortunately for me, my veins absolutely suck and I have several bruises covering my wrist and hands to a point where I was making jokes with the nurses that some may think I got in a fight and/or was a junkie. To which neither story is true, but that's something I would hope the people reading this would know.
Yesterday, I went to get more blood drawn and the guy had to try both of my hands because the first attempt didn't produce any results. Lucky me right? Instead, I had a very interesting discussion with the blood draw guy for ways to make the whole giving blood samples easier for me. I don't know if it's actually going to work.....I have terrible veins thanks to Mom, but I am willing to try anything because I have so few options for them to work with.
You know it's bad when the people at the blood drawing place knows your face and knows that you can't get blood drawn from the veins in your elbows (not really your elbows but still.....).
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
I Feel So Close to You Right Now
Two days at work down. Two more to end the week to go.
While some might not agree with me getting back to work, it's good for my soul. Everyone at work is so understanding for everything I have been going through, and they are all so helpful. I have a system now. I sit on a chair and type up prescriptions with my leg sitting on top of one of the recycling bins under the desk/table/counter thing. I don't really move from there, instead ask for help from my coworkers when I need to check if we have something, or have to give the script to the pharmacist.
Tenzin and Holly check up on me on a regular basis; actually everyone does. I have people making sure I'm doing well throughout the day, and people who look at me like I'm crazy when I want to get up and do something like walk to the other side of the pharmacy.
I won't lie to you; after a day at the "office" I feel completely drained. It's tiring sitting on a chair all day just punching in data. I have turned to Tenzin multiple times and said how I'm ready to fall asleep throughout the day. But it's soooo much better then sitting in my bed feeling sorry for myself.
Today was a day off and I didn't really do much other then listen to Taylor's new CD and fall in love with it. Even though she gets a lot of backlash for constantly writing about her failed relationships, I love how she somehow puts my feelings in words with her songs. Seriously, it's sometimes really creepy.
Tonight is the LAST night of those devil shots. Or at least I'm crossing my fingers and toes that it is because my stomach is starting to look like a smiley face with the little bruises.
While some might not agree with me getting back to work, it's good for my soul. Everyone at work is so understanding for everything I have been going through, and they are all so helpful. I have a system now. I sit on a chair and type up prescriptions with my leg sitting on top of one of the recycling bins under the desk/table/counter thing. I don't really move from there, instead ask for help from my coworkers when I need to check if we have something, or have to give the script to the pharmacist.
Tenzin and Holly check up on me on a regular basis; actually everyone does. I have people making sure I'm doing well throughout the day, and people who look at me like I'm crazy when I want to get up and do something like walk to the other side of the pharmacy.
I won't lie to you; after a day at the "office" I feel completely drained. It's tiring sitting on a chair all day just punching in data. I have turned to Tenzin multiple times and said how I'm ready to fall asleep throughout the day. But it's soooo much better then sitting in my bed feeling sorry for myself.
Today was a day off and I didn't really do much other then listen to Taylor's new CD and fall in love with it. Even though she gets a lot of backlash for constantly writing about her failed relationships, I love how she somehow puts my feelings in words with her songs. Seriously, it's sometimes really creepy.
Tonight is the LAST night of those devil shots. Or at least I'm crossing my fingers and toes that it is because my stomach is starting to look like a smiley face with the little bruises.
Friday, October 19, 2012
Introducing.....
State of Grace
I'm a lucky girl. Yes, I know this statement may seem very weird coming from a girl who just returned from the hospital with the news that she has two blood clots in her leg. But I'm lucky because I have amazing friends, family, coworkers, and even acquaintances who really just want me to get better. This whole network of people who have reached out to myself, my parents, or even my brother to send well wishes and words of encouragement. It's mind blowing.
I have always tried to be truthful in this blog and I'm going to try my best in this post. When I went to the hospital the other day, I was so fed up with my stomach. I cried to my dad that Monday night asking why does this particular stupid stomach problem have to happen to a girl who loves food. And I mean LOVE food. How many girls do you know who has a food bucket list? Not many. But I cried because my stomach hurt. I cried because I have to put my parents through this. I cried because I keep having to answer the "are you okay" question that is necessary for those who are concerned but gets tiring for those who are the ones being asked. And I cried for the fact that I will never be one hundred percent healthy again for the rest of my life. This colitsis this affects so many people, and I just need to buck up and deal with it.
So going to the hospital to get this whole thing squared away......I was pumped. Never in my life did I think that I would have to go through that whole winter fiasco again. But here I am, with my leg up and the size of my thigh (okay, that may be a little understatement, but it is pretty swollen).
This time though, the whole thing feels different.
I'm stronger then I was that December/January; I mean I'm still walking, even if it's a little painful, I'm still walking. I would like to think I have a little swag in my step now. If someone knows of a cane that we can pimp out, then you know where to find me. Plus, I don't plan on just sitting around and letting the world go on around me. I plan on living life no matter what, and not hide in a shell. Unlike last time, I'm trying not to feel sorry for myself and just think "It happened again; now let's deal with it."
I'm not going to lie to you all. I am not happy this has happened to me and this time around we are demanding answers. I'm going to find out why I keep getting blood clots because two at the age of 25 is a little much don't you think? And the pain in the leg sucks, along with having to get those stupid shots in my stomach. Sorry Dad that you have to do those again by the by. But I'm going to keep my head up high and the smile on my face bright because there is no way in HELL I'm letting this thing beat me again.
I did it once, and I will do it again. With the biggest support system in MY corner, cheering me on every single step I take and every meal I'm able to eat without being in pain.
I have always tried to be truthful in this blog and I'm going to try my best in this post. When I went to the hospital the other day, I was so fed up with my stomach. I cried to my dad that Monday night asking why does this particular stupid stomach problem have to happen to a girl who loves food. And I mean LOVE food. How many girls do you know who has a food bucket list? Not many. But I cried because my stomach hurt. I cried because I have to put my parents through this. I cried because I keep having to answer the "are you okay" question that is necessary for those who are concerned but gets tiring for those who are the ones being asked. And I cried for the fact that I will never be one hundred percent healthy again for the rest of my life. This colitsis this affects so many people, and I just need to buck up and deal with it.
So going to the hospital to get this whole thing squared away......I was pumped. Never in my life did I think that I would have to go through that whole winter fiasco again. But here I am, with my leg up and the size of my thigh (okay, that may be a little understatement, but it is pretty swollen).
This time though, the whole thing feels different.
I'm stronger then I was that December/January; I mean I'm still walking, even if it's a little painful, I'm still walking. I would like to think I have a little swag in my step now. If someone knows of a cane that we can pimp out, then you know where to find me. Plus, I don't plan on just sitting around and letting the world go on around me. I plan on living life no matter what, and not hide in a shell. Unlike last time, I'm trying not to feel sorry for myself and just think "It happened again; now let's deal with it."
I'm not going to lie to you all. I am not happy this has happened to me and this time around we are demanding answers. I'm going to find out why I keep getting blood clots because two at the age of 25 is a little much don't you think? And the pain in the leg sucks, along with having to get those stupid shots in my stomach. Sorry Dad that you have to do those again by the by. But I'm going to keep my head up high and the smile on my face bright because there is no way in HELL I'm letting this thing beat me again.
I did it once, and I will do it again. With the biggest support system in MY corner, cheering me on every single step I take and every meal I'm able to eat without being in pain.
I'm going to let you in on a little secret.
Even though people always wish to have a day where they can lay around in bed and do absolutely nothing, it is so freaking boring.
But my goodness, it's wonderful to be home again. My own bed. My own television. So many freaking channels. And yummy food.
Now, I'm off to get some rest, read a book and probably take a wonderful little nap before I have to get blood work. Yessssss!
Even though people always wish to have a day where they can lay around in bed and do absolutely nothing, it is so freaking boring.
But my goodness, it's wonderful to be home again. My own bed. My own television. So many freaking channels. And yummy food.
Now, I'm off to get some rest, read a book and probably take a wonderful little nap before I have to get blood work. Yessssss!
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
I Love My Team, Man I Love My Team
Surprise! Reporting, once again, live from Yale New Haven, this is Jennifer.....
Sorry, I need a little humor to entertain me and put my mind's at ease on how this is all beginning once again.
I'm sure this is not a surprise to many people who read this blog, I have been admitted to Yale once again. Yesterday, I waited patiently like a organ donor for a bed to open up in the regular hospital and got admitted like a normal person this go around. Goooo meee!
Upon arrival, my limp became more distinguished thanks to the pain in my calf. You have to understand, I was under the full impression that this was simply a flare up and that my leg was from dehydration on top of lack of whatever vitamin I was lacking. When the doctor found out about my history with blood clots, they ddecided to send me for an ultra sound. Well, I am so freaking lucky that they did because turns out I have ANOTHER blood clot. Yayyyy me! Sorry, once again I sometimes use humor in inappropriate places.
Turns out there is a link between my colitis and my blood clots. When I have these flare ups, I am more likely to have a blood clot on top of it. This go around, the blood clot doesn't hurt as much as the first one did. The first one was awful, but this one is truly doable. At the moment, I have it propped with pillows and waiting for the family to come back to visit.
What does this mean for me now you may be asking?
Well, for starters it means I am here until at least tomorrow. Today, I got shot up with the equalivant of liquid prednisone and it's reacting ten times better then the pills I received last week. The doctor said that due to the flare up, I was not able to absorbs the proper dosage, and with the IV, I know that it will get straight to making me better. This also means I get to try the whole eating thing, and when Dr. I came in today to see how I was, he was extremely happy to seem me chowing down on a sandwich (even if it's just from the cafe....).
This also means I have to go back on the blood thinning medication, with the possibility of being on it for the rest of my life. While I don't think that sounds like the most amazing thing, if it means I'm not going to have blood clots anymore then I'm down for whatever. The shots are just as awful as I remember and I wish beyond anything else that I don't have to take them, but it's the life that I lead.
Hopefully next week I'll return back to work with some necessary steps to accomodate me. Yes, I know I'm wishful thinking, but the fact of the matter is I'm bored out of my mind just sitting in a bed doing absolutely nothing all day. I am my mother's daughter after all. As for now, I'm looking forward to dinner and some quality time with my family. They really have been the most amazing people throughout this whole thing.
I also want to thank EVERYONE for everything they have done for my family and I the past few days. Messages on Facebook, texts, calls, visits, prayers, well wishes and everything. I have cried many happy tears the past twenty four hours for being so very very thankful with the outpouring of love I have experienced from everyone. I'm a lucky woman. And to have such an amazing support system backing me and telling me how strong I am makes me so proud to have my team.
Sorry, I need a little humor to entertain me and put my mind's at ease on how this is all beginning once again.
I'm sure this is not a surprise to many people who read this blog, I have been admitted to Yale once again. Yesterday, I waited patiently like a organ donor for a bed to open up in the regular hospital and got admitted like a normal person this go around. Goooo meee!
Upon arrival, my limp became more distinguished thanks to the pain in my calf. You have to understand, I was under the full impression that this was simply a flare up and that my leg was from dehydration on top of lack of whatever vitamin I was lacking. When the doctor found out about my history with blood clots, they ddecided to send me for an ultra sound. Well, I am so freaking lucky that they did because turns out I have ANOTHER blood clot. Yayyyy me! Sorry, once again I sometimes use humor in inappropriate places.
Turns out there is a link between my colitis and my blood clots. When I have these flare ups, I am more likely to have a blood clot on top of it. This go around, the blood clot doesn't hurt as much as the first one did. The first one was awful, but this one is truly doable. At the moment, I have it propped with pillows and waiting for the family to come back to visit.
What does this mean for me now you may be asking?
Well, for starters it means I am here until at least tomorrow. Today, I got shot up with the equalivant of liquid prednisone and it's reacting ten times better then the pills I received last week. The doctor said that due to the flare up, I was not able to absorbs the proper dosage, and with the IV, I know that it will get straight to making me better. This also means I get to try the whole eating thing, and when Dr. I came in today to see how I was, he was extremely happy to seem me chowing down on a sandwich (even if it's just from the cafe....).
This also means I have to go back on the blood thinning medication, with the possibility of being on it for the rest of my life. While I don't think that sounds like the most amazing thing, if it means I'm not going to have blood clots anymore then I'm down for whatever. The shots are just as awful as I remember and I wish beyond anything else that I don't have to take them, but it's the life that I lead.
Hopefully next week I'll return back to work with some necessary steps to accomodate me. Yes, I know I'm wishful thinking, but the fact of the matter is I'm bored out of my mind just sitting in a bed doing absolutely nothing all day. I am my mother's daughter after all. As for now, I'm looking forward to dinner and some quality time with my family. They really have been the most amazing people throughout this whole thing.
I also want to thank EVERYONE for everything they have done for my family and I the past few days. Messages on Facebook, texts, calls, visits, prayers, well wishes and everything. I have cried many happy tears the past twenty four hours for being so very very thankful with the outpouring of love I have experienced from everyone. I'm a lucky woman. And to have such an amazing support system backing me and telling me how strong I am makes me so proud to have my team.
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
I Keep Gushing
Ever read something and just smile because someone absolutely NAILED every emotion you felt? Cause that definitely happened just now.
I have never been that girl, but I know how it feels to feel broken. I know how it is to share yourself completely with another, only to be left broken and hurting at the end of the day.
So once again everyone, enjoy one of the most inspiring people of my generation. Seriously, taking on matters of the heart one day at a time.
I have never been that girl, but I know how it feels to feel broken. I know how it is to share yourself completely with another, only to be left broken and hurting at the end of the day.
So once again everyone, enjoy one of the most inspiring people of my generation. Seriously, taking on matters of the heart one day at a time.
Here We Go Again....
For those who read this on a regular, I have not been opening up recently about my current events.
Last Wednesday after work I head to Goose Lane, my home away from home. Now when I say this, I do not want you all to think I truly enjoy going to the hospital. In fact, I hate it. But I have been dealing with this stupid stomach thing for a week, and when I got home on Wednesday night and called the on call service, they basically told me I should go to the hospital. So we ended up going, I got pumped up with IV fluids, some Cipro and other drugs, and ended up heading home at 3 in the morning. I was punch drunk basically at that point and all I wanted to do is go home.
Mind you, the nurse who was checking me in sort of remember me once I started to tell her what I was in for. She looked at me and goes, "Wait you were here a few months ago....". Woof. I don't enjoy being remembered in the emergency room (even if it's not a busy emergency room.....)
Anyway, I ended up trying to go on with life like normal by going into work with my head down and do my work. I was successful, and looked forward to having three days off so I can sleep off this awful stomach problem and hopefully have the medication kick in.
Sadly, I was mistaken.
Since Thursday evening, I haven't had a full nights sleep. I have been up basically every hour or two, and last night couldn't even sleep at all. My stomach didn't get any better what so ever and I missed out on some fun times with my friends. Instead of calling the on call service again this weekend, I waited until Monday to call my doctor to see what he would recommend. I'm not happy. I'm in my bed or on the couch most of the day and can't even fall asleep when that's all I need.
So yesterday my doctor recommended me going to the hospital either last night or today. I do not want to go at all and when I told him I wasn't up as much last night, he asked if I started to feel better. If I answered yes, I don't need to go today, then my parents would have KILLED me. Now I'm just waiting to hear from Yale until a bed is free and my sick ass can get in there to start getting pumped with medications again so I can start enjoying food again.
Last Wednesday after work I head to Goose Lane, my home away from home. Now when I say this, I do not want you all to think I truly enjoy going to the hospital. In fact, I hate it. But I have been dealing with this stupid stomach thing for a week, and when I got home on Wednesday night and called the on call service, they basically told me I should go to the hospital. So we ended up going, I got pumped up with IV fluids, some Cipro and other drugs, and ended up heading home at 3 in the morning. I was punch drunk basically at that point and all I wanted to do is go home.
Mind you, the nurse who was checking me in sort of remember me once I started to tell her what I was in for. She looked at me and goes, "Wait you were here a few months ago....". Woof. I don't enjoy being remembered in the emergency room (even if it's not a busy emergency room.....)
Anyway, I ended up trying to go on with life like normal by going into work with my head down and do my work. I was successful, and looked forward to having three days off so I can sleep off this awful stomach problem and hopefully have the medication kick in.
Sadly, I was mistaken.
Since Thursday evening, I haven't had a full nights sleep. I have been up basically every hour or two, and last night couldn't even sleep at all. My stomach didn't get any better what so ever and I missed out on some fun times with my friends. Instead of calling the on call service again this weekend, I waited until Monday to call my doctor to see what he would recommend. I'm not happy. I'm in my bed or on the couch most of the day and can't even fall asleep when that's all I need.
So yesterday my doctor recommended me going to the hospital either last night or today. I do not want to go at all and when I told him I wasn't up as much last night, he asked if I started to feel better. If I answered yes, I don't need to go today, then my parents would have KILLED me. Now I'm just waiting to hear from Yale until a bed is free and my sick ass can get in there to start getting pumped with medications again so I can start enjoying food again.
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