I'm Just the Same As I Was....

Confession time. 

I'm terrified that this blood clot, and flare up happened to me again.  I'm also terrified that I will get more blood clots whenever I have these stupid flare ups.

And being scared is not a way to live your life. 

It's funny.  I have put a huge smile on my face and cracked jokes about a name and those types of things.  But the truth is, I don't want people to feel sorry for me.  Ever see that look come across someone's face when something bad happens to you?  Imagine every single person giving you that look.  Most of the time, it's encouraging to know I have people that care about me that much to actually care.  But sometimes, it's a kick in the stomach.  Because I just want it all to go away.

I'm 25 years old and this is my second (or third if you want to count each one once) blood clot in two years.  It's my third trip to the hospital with the whole stomach thing.  And every time I'm growing tired of constantly trying to look on the bright side of this thing.  

I have been told by countless people that I am strong, which I am so freaking thankful for those words of encouragement.  Anytime I hear that, I get empowered to fight this thing a little longer. But I just want a few months, maybe even a full year, where I don't have to worry about what I'm eating, or going to the hospital, or stopping my daily life because my leg is in pain.

I have not been as concerned this go around and I have tried to keep positive the best I can.  I mean I'm able to go to work. I'm able to go out with my friends.  I'm able to eat some stuff.

But.....One year universe.....is that too much to ask? Please.

This is me feeling sorry for myself on a Friday morning.  Like really, I'm excited the weekend is upon us, and that I have a wonderful Halloween costume in my POWER color.  I mean how is a girl not supposed to feel beautiful in RED

My leg has been hurting.

There is the truth.  Laid out on this blog.

I don't know if I'm gonna have to deal with this for my whole life which if I do will suck completely.  I have been working 6 days a week for the past few weeks and my leg has been having twinges in it.  At the end of the day it's as hard as a rock, and not in a good in shape way.

This brings my greatest fear to light.  That this blood clot will never really leave me.  That they still don't know why it came about so who is to say it's not going to knock me on my ass again sometime soon.  That I am never going to not have some sort of pain or discomfort if I'm on my legs for long periods of time. 

I'm afraid I'm never going to be fixed.  Actually, I know I'm never going to be.  I take 3 different medications and 3 different vitamins throughout the day every day.  That will eventually be brought down to 2 different meds, but still.  If I screw up with the medication I will be having a flare up.  Last time that happened I ended up in the hospital.

Who is to say that anyone will want to deal with this?  I know I don't.  It's almost a year and I'm already sick of the whole stomach thing, and the doctor's appointments and the blood work.  I was thinking about it last night, and it truly sucks to know that I'm gonna have to go to Dr. I probably every 4-6 months.  I don't know if that will change but at the moment it looks like that is my life.

I don't know why I have been so preoccupied with my whole endeavor recently.  Actually, I do.  I have too much time on my hands to think about it.  This summer was one of the best times I had had in years.  And when I try to share that with people, they don't understand how they could have made me so happy.  They still do, but seriously the best part about this summer was I forgot I had been sick, or that I will have to deal with this for the rest of my life.  I have always believed that summer is a special time, but this year sure proved me correct.  I'm just waiting for the train to get back on track, because I know it will.  I can not help but believe it.

You are too Young to be in Here

So the doctor I was freaking out about last night? Totally not necessary because he was amazing.

First I was the youngest person in the waiting room which goes to show you this thing does not happen to almost 24 year olds. But after some waiting, we went into see the doctor and he turned out to be one of the nicest doctors I have ever had. Ever.

He walked into the room telling me I was too young to be there; that there must be some mistake in the charts. Unfortunately there was none but he quickly eased my worries and told me that I should not be concerned because while it shouldn't happen to someone my age, it was treatable. In the discussions throughout the appointment, I found out I had multiple blood clots; maybe I knew this and buried it deep in my mind, or maybe I honestly didn't hear her when she told us at the hospital.  But there are multiple blood clots in my leg that the doctor believes came about because of dehydration from my stomach bug. When I told him that I had been sick before this all started, he said that there was no question the blood clots formed from dehydration.

He told me that the shots in my stomach will end when the other medicine level reaches 2.5.  He also seemed to believe that I won't need to be on the other medicine for a whole year but who knows with that one.  I'm going to see him again in two weeks to get an ultra sound again on my leg to see the difference between the one from the hospital and the one in the future. He also tried to get me to stand on my leg which he was on some serious drugs about, but I did stand and try to put my leg down as much as I could which was painful.  In the coming days/weeks though, he wants me to try to get the clots to break down. 

Let's see what else because I feel like I am leaving out a ton of information which is not a good thing. I'm glad I got the reassurance that everything will be fine over and over again.  We asked about the blood clot moving to my lungs and he told me not to worry about that at all because that is something that happens within the first 24 hours.  That would have been nice to have known last week but I mean, I guess it's good to know now because I will no longer worry about the blood clots coming to my lungs.

Today I got to visit everyone from work when we went to get numbing cream for the shots. Let's all let out a sigh of relief for that one because I have never looked forward to something more.  But seeing everyone at work made me super excited because I miss everyone so much and even the hustle and bustle of dealing with all the customers.  One of the regular customers told me I had to stop kicking my boyfriend because that's what happens when I kick my boyfriend. I could only help but laugh.

Tomorrow is more blood and seeing the regular doctor.  I just hope whoever takes my blood is nice this time and not so standoffish like the last visit.  I also hope we are told I don't need these stupid shots anymore because when that happens I will be dancing for joy.  Okay, maybe not actually dancing but I may have to bust out some moves.

Thanks once again for everyone's concern and well wishes.  It really means the world to me.