May Angels Lead You In...

My heart has hurt immensely since Friday afternoon.

I wish I could express everything I have been feeling in this blog, but I can't.  I don't have any ties to Newtown, other then a few people I went to college with having a connection to the school distract.  

This has hit so close to home though.  I like to believe that our town is similar to Newtown in that small town feel.  Everyone seems to know everyone here and everyone has grown up with each other.  Coming in at 8th grade, it was weird to see how close everyone was, and from what I have seen on the news, Newtown is the same type of town.

There are no words though for the tragedy that happened at Sandy Hook elementary school on Friday morning.  I was glued to my television all day Friday as most people throughout our state, country, and even the world.

The fact that these small children had their innocence ripped away in such a short time is the biggest tragedy of it all.  All of these children have grown up beyond their years on Friday.  I am so impressed with the courage that every person in that school has presented to the world, from each of those children at the school, to the teachers, to the staff, and the emergency personnel, and all the parents and friends and family of those in that school. Something like this just shows how much other people can step up and be the best type of people during the worst circumstances.

Rest in peace to all those angels that lost their lives on Friday morning.  And stand strong to the town of Newtown.  You have a whole state supporting you no matter what.

Reasons to Love December.

It's beginning to look a lot like the holiday season. Here are a few things I love about December:

Untouched snow

Nights decorated by Christmas lights

Holiday parties with people you love

Giving gifts

Christmas music by Mariah, Britney and NSYNC.  Sorry those are some of my favorites

The food

Candy Cane Hershey Kisses

Capturing memories with pictures

Dressing up

The smell of a fire that lingers in the air (And I'm talking about a fireplace fire...)

Letter writing

Whatever makes you love December and this holiday season, I hope you are able to enjoy it with the people you love.  Maybe you will give a few of my suggestions a try.  Just embrace December but most importantly, be with the people who matter.

I hope everyone had an enjoyable holiday filled with smiles, laughter, friends, family, things we are thankful for and of course, tons of food.

As this holiday season approaches, I can't help remember that two years ago, everything was beginning.  The end of my old old "normal and the transition of a new "normal" that I never thought I would get used to. 

However, I slowly am getting used to it....

I have started my taper for the steroids on Black Friday.  I did not want another miserable holiday and decided like Black Friday was a good a day as any to start decreasing some of my medication. After speaking with Dr. I, we determined we would try a faster taper then I'm used to, but it all depends on how my body becomes reacts to it.  For now though, that means I'm going down 10 mg every Friday until I'm done.  Which may mean I have the best Christmas present EVER.

Last week, I had to inject myself with two more of the Humira pens.  And I was so proud of myself for not needing someone to hold my hand while I did the whole thing by myself in my room.  Dad told me that if I ever think I can't fight, I need to remember that moment when I ran out to get high fives from Chris and Dad for doing the injections by myself.  Dad could tell I was so proud of myself, and knew I would eventually need to remember that I'm stronger then I think.  It's nice to have my family in my corner.

One more doctor's visit before the holidays and a few more blood tests I'm sure.  It's funny though.  In my new normal, I'm no longer terrified of needles or blood work.  Instead I'm the girl asking questions on why they take two tubes of blood.  And in my new normal?  I kick ass in giving myself injections.

Things I'm Thankful For

Part of what I love about the holidays is the time spent with my family.  Thanksgiving is always a great time to reflect on things that you are most thankful for, with most people sharing with those they love all the things they are thankful for.  

I had planned on sharing pictures here every day this week to show some of the people I am thankful for most in my life.  With all the ups and downs this life has given me these past few years, I am incredibly thankful for all the wonderful people in my life.  I have the biggest cheerleaders on my side whenever I start to feel down.  With all my health problems, I have realize that I am extremely lucky to have people willing to help me and my family whenever we are down.  

I am thankful that I was able to enjoy the holiday with my family and eat some delicious foods.  I am thankful that my flare up has gone away and that Natasha and Boris have not been bothering me too much.  I am thankful for my wonderful family and friends, and every single person who has helped me and my family in the past.  I'm thankful for my job, even if I want to rip my hair out sometimes when I'm there.  And I'm thankful for the roof over my head and all the wonderful things my parents have provided me throughout my life.

Olympic Fun with my Sisters <3

Sorry for the fomatting, I'm terrible with computers sometimes.

But here are a few pictures of some of my favorite people, that I am so thankful to have in my life.

La Familia

The Second Family at the Beach

Tenzina and Holly. Two of the girls who make me sane at work

Smiles & Laughs Always

Madison <3

Mandy <3

Brother and Sisters

The Replacement Jen

Nana with the Connecticut Grandkids

Since the beginning.

Some of my favorites.  Really just love this picture

My Girlfriends.

Happy Monday Ya'll

Gotta love a doctor offices.

We got there probably 10 minutes early, not for any particular reason just to make sure we were on time.  The office was a little crowded, but it's a Monday morning so it's to be expected.

As the room continued to crowd with new arrivals, I started to get nervous that there wasn't going to be enough chairs, and if that became the case, I would have probably offered up my chair.

Anyway, they began calling people in for their appointments.  Bam. Bam. Bam. Names were being thrown left and right.  Eventually, my name was called, and I went in to see the doctor, who I think just really loves life.  He really seems to embrace everything good with life.

Anyway, the actual time I saw the doctor didn't last long.  To say it was 10 minutes long would be pushing it.  He asked me how the pain level was, asked what type of medication I was on.  He asked if I saw the blood doctor yet, then told me he couldn't really do anything until the blood doctor does his tests.  Thank you so much for wasting my Monday morning with an appointment I didn't even need.

I did ask about my freakish bruising.  He said bruises do occur and I shouldn't be alarmed when I see bruises on myself.  He said as long as the bruises seem to be going down, then that's a good thing.  Personally, I think it's a good thing that my bruises/discoloration seems to be disappearing.  But that's just me.

Things I'm Thankful For: Part 1

With Thanksgiving just days away, I decided to share pictures of the various people/things I'm thankful to have in my life.

These are the people that made such an impression for me in college, that I may have lost touch with this past year, but have gotten back in touch with these past few weeks.  I am so thankful for those friendships that will be there no matter

 I remember when we took this picture in the wind tunnel right before I graduated.  I'm pretty sure Alanna said you guys were my proud parents right after taking this.  I was so thankful to have girls like you push me to be the best person I could be throughout senior year and help shape me into the person I am today

To have a roommate my senior year who completely understood everything, boy was I lucky.  And even more lucky to be able to send you a simple text message about silly things now and you completely understand

 I am so glad I met you all those years ago during orientation.  We have been through quite the roller coaster Julia and I am lucky to be riding on this roller coaster with such an amazing friend.  Your emails always make me smile, and I can't imagine not having you in my life. <3

 While you may not have been an actual Husky, I always tie you with my college experience.  Six years and we are still friends, who take silly pictures of napping together after a wonderful spring weekend full of craziness.  One small visit from you can leave me with smiles for the rest of the week.

I never thought I would leave UCONN with another half like I did with you my dear, but I have.  I promise to come visit Boston soon so we both end up with fun stories now that we are entering the later parts of our twenties.  I am most thankful for our nights of just sitting around your coffee table just eating and catching up with life.  

I miss each of these girls so much now that I do not see them every day.  Friendship doesn't necessarily mean being in touch with each other every day.  It does mean being there for each other whenever you need them.  I am thankful to have these girls in my life to lift me up whenever this silly sickness kicks me in my ass.  And I'm also so extremely thankful to have reconnected with them during this whole terrible experience.

Doctors, Doctors, Doctors.

Tomorrow is another doctor's appointment where we find out more about the blood clot.  This particular doctor always makes me smile when I see him because he walks in and gives me a kiss on the cheek.  The first time I saw him he asked me why I was there, especially considering my age.  The upside is this time I have never been truly knocked on my ass with Natasha and Boris.  The downside is that I have some weird bruising on the leg that Natasha and Boris are located.  When I asked my boss if that can be a side effect to the Warfarin, she said she didn't see it as one.  But then when I showed her the veins, she laughed and told me my legs look like they are old people veins.

Before anyone takes offense to my boss laughing at me, I started making jokes with her before I pulled up my pant leg to show her my shins/calves.  I have realized that if you start the joking, it takes the sting away from the reality that my veins really do look like an older woman's veins.

Sometime in the near future, I have an appointment with my rockstar stomach doctor.  I'm hoping to start reducing the steroids.  I have to start worrying about my bones when I'm on the steroids for any length of time, and I just want to stop worrying about things.  So I'd like to get this show on the road and stop tappering the medication now.

I also have to make an appointment with a new doctor.  It's the doctor who will hopefully tell me why I get these blood clots.  Or they will tell me if there is something with my blood that makes it clot easier.  But I'm hoping to get some answers when I go see that new doctor.

Another New Start....

Nothing better then giving a mass over view of my doctor's appointment to the general public via this blog.

No. There was absolutely no sarcasm in that statement.  I promise.

Like I said earlier today, I was absolutely terrified to go into this doctor's appointment today.  I knew I was learning how to inject myself with this new medication of mine, which doing anything new is scary.  However, when I looked at the box, I realized I wouldn't be injecting just one "pen" into myself, but rather four.  And the last time I got any sorts of injections/shots (i.e. the devil shots), I was in lots of pain after we injected them. 

To say I was nervous was a huge understatement.

Well, the doctor who taught me how to do it was absolutely amazing.  Seriously, she was super friendly, and answered every question I had thrown at her.  She needed to verify some things about my current medication before we went over the proper way to inject those lovely pens.  But she did answer everything, including the ever important "Will it hurt...."

Now about the actual injection.  It's an interesting feeling to know you will be injecting yourself with medication, that sort of hurts, but not really.  The pens are easy enough to actually do, just hold up some extra skin in my thigh area and hold down the pen for 10 seconds.  Not too bad, the whole holding the skin part is more annoying then anything else. All I could think of for every pen (I did three on my own; the one she administered didn't hurt at all, but mine kinda had a little sting to it...) was that it was a suction cup whenever I hit the actual pump.  Once again, really weird little action, but it's over within 10 seconds and then I just move on to the next pen.

There was a bit of blood, which of course scares me whenever I have any sort of blood, but I got four different band aids (not fun looking ones.....FAIL).  I giggled going home thinking to myself how I would look completely broken if someone knew I had four different band aids all over my legs.  On top of that really hot looking leg bruising or whatever.

Anyway, now I have to actually invest in a planner because I have to keep on top of when I'm injecting these pens.  The next time I have is the beginning of December I believe where I will be using 2 pens, and then every two weeks I will be injecting myself with 1 pen.  So only 10 seconds of uncomfortableness.  YESSSSS!!  So far there isn't really any side effects, but that happened last time too.  I'm hoping that everything is going to go wonderfully with these injections.  The only problem is I have to do some blood work, but luckily I can work this with my blood thinning blood work.  The BIGGEST problem will probably be actually getting the blood outta my veins because that's been a huge fail any time I have gone to blood work. 

But that's the update on my life from today.  Tomorrow is a day to spend on the phone with mail order companies and billing offices.  Wonderful day off huh?  I lead pretty much the most exciting life in the world.  And I wouldn't have it any other way....

Smile Like You Mean It.

Today I'm rather terrified.

I have a doctor's appointment in about forty minutes to learn how to inject myself with my new medications.  I'm 25 years old, am perfectly okay with other people poking me with needles, but the thought of doing it myself?  Makes me want to cry.

So I've been trying to put on a brave face, and not really think about the fact that I have to inject myself with this wonderful little pen needle for the long run.  From what I have read on-line, it hurts like a bitch if you do it in your thigh.  Research on message boards scares and reassures me at the same time because people aren't going to lie about different medications when it comes to colitis talk.

I'm just hoping that this new medication will work. And not be painful.  Because I'm a big baby and just can't deal with being in pain anymore.  

This is a difficult week for some of the closest people in my life and my heart aches that they have to go through any pain in their life. I have been blessed with a beautiful family.  But I'm also extremely lucky to have another family, a family that may not be related by blood, but has become my family.  They are some of the strongest people I know, and I'm proud of everything they do.  This second family of mine changes my life whenever we all get together, and I wouldn't have it any other way.  I have watched my younger sisters and brothers grow into beautifully strong young adults and I couldn't be more proud.  And I know that there are people up in heaven who are smiling at us all, so proud of every accomplishment we have made, helping to wipe every tear we shed, and taking our side when the journey becomes a little too difficult.

While this may not be the most uplifting post to begin a Monday morning, I leave you with words from the Beatles.  Whisper words of wisdom, let it be....

Tomorrow is Election Day...

Tomorrow marks the end of all election commercials.  It also marks the first time I will be voting (yes I know I am a terrible American for not having voted before this year but I'm making a change so be proud of me).  Anyway, these commercials are a little much so I'm glad that the election is finally here so they can cease to exsist until the next election rolls around.

Now I don't feel comfortable letting whoever reads this blog who I plan on voting for, I find it's important to vote this year.  I don't know why this year is vitally important to me, but it is, and I already know who I am voting for.  

As far as the above video, I enjoy when celebrities come together for a good cause.  And this video, is hilarious.  I vote for Zac Efron texting me whenever he wants to.  And Leonardo DiCarprio.  But I enjoy when random celebrities don't shove down your throat with who they want to win or lose, but rather that you just need to go out and actually vote.

So go have fun tomorrow kids.  Vote.  It determines the next four years of our lives. 

It's Time to Begin.

I really enjoy this song so I hope you all would give it a chance as you read this lovely little update.

I'm trying my best to get back to my ordinary life, but sometimes my stupid stomach and leg hold me back.  This weekend I was able to go out with my friends, some of my favorite people in the world.  Shannon and I got spent the whole weekend together along with Tom and his friends.  I have known those guys for a few years now and they always put a huge smile on my face just because they are guys guys who enjoy hanging out with one another, drinking beers and talking about sports.

This weekend was exactly what I needed to get my mind off the fact that my stomach is taking longer to get better then I expected.  Last time I ended up in the hospital with a flare, I was already back to eating regular food, especially with the amount of steroids I'm on.  And now I just feel like my stomach is taking five years to bounce back and I don't have the patience to wait for it to be better.

That's not to say I haven't been able to enjoy my food.  Unfortunately, sometimes, my stomach just hurts a lot after I eat.  Whatever, I make sure to enjoy eating and just deal with whatever pain may come after the fact.  I mean when one goes up to the casino, how does one simply ignore Margaritaville nachos.  Spoiler alert: They don't.

Today is a stay in bed type of day because my leg has been hurting me a little bit.  Natasha and Boris are mad at me from all the fun I have been having.  The leg hasn't swollen at all, but the pain which had all but disappeared is there a bit right now.  As I am typing, I have my legs elevating on a folded over pillow.  

Story of my life.  

And sometimes, I wouldn't have it any other way.

I'm Just the Same As I Was....

Confession time. 

I'm terrified that this blood clot, and flare up happened to me again.  I'm also terrified that I will get more blood clots whenever I have these stupid flare ups.

And being scared is not a way to live your life. 

It's funny.  I have put a huge smile on my face and cracked jokes about a name and those types of things.  But the truth is, I don't want people to feel sorry for me.  Ever see that look come across someone's face when something bad happens to you?  Imagine every single person giving you that look.  Most of the time, it's encouraging to know I have people that care about me that much to actually care.  But sometimes, it's a kick in the stomach.  Because I just want it all to go away.

I'm 25 years old and this is my second (or third if you want to count each one once) blood clot in two years.  It's my third trip to the hospital with the whole stomach thing.  And every time I'm growing tired of constantly trying to look on the bright side of this thing.  

I have been told by countless people that I am strong, which I am so freaking thankful for those words of encouragement.  Anytime I hear that, I get empowered to fight this thing a little longer. But I just want a few months, maybe even a full year, where I don't have to worry about what I'm eating, or going to the hospital, or stopping my daily life because my leg is in pain.

I have not been as concerned this go around and I have tried to keep positive the best I can.  I mean I'm able to go to work. I'm able to go out with my friends.  I'm able to eat some stuff.

But.....One year universe.....is that too much to ask? Please.

This is me feeling sorry for myself on a Friday morning.  Like really, I'm excited the weekend is upon us, and that I have a wonderful Halloween costume in my POWER color.  I mean how is a girl not supposed to feel beautiful in RED

Always Winning....

Blood work.....such a fun filled little experience.

As the doctors are trying to find a happy medium with my medication and blood levels, I get to become a human pin cushion with my hands taking quite the beating every few days.

After the hospital, I was left with multiple bruises on my hands because that is the only place they can take blood or put in the IV lines.  Unfortunately for me, my veins absolutely suck and I have several bruises covering my wrist and hands to a point where I was making jokes with the nurses that some may think I got in a fight and/or was a junkie.  To which neither story is true, but that's something I would hope the people reading this would know.

Yesterday, I went to get more blood drawn and the guy had to try both of my hands because the first attempt didn't produce any results. Lucky me right? Instead, I had a very interesting discussion with the blood draw guy for ways to make the whole giving blood samples easier for me.  I don't know if it's actually going to work.....I have terrible veins thanks to Mom, but I am willing to try anything because I have so few options for them to work with.

You know it's bad when the people at the blood drawing place knows your face and knows that you can't get blood drawn from the veins in your elbows (not really your elbows but still.....).

 

I Feel So Close to You Right Now

Two days at work down. Two more to end the week to go.

While some might not agree with me getting back to work, it's good for my soul.  Everyone at work is so understanding for everything I have been going through, and they are all so helpful.  I have a system now.  I sit on a chair and type up prescriptions with my leg sitting on top of one of the recycling bins under the desk/table/counter thing.  I don't really move from there, instead ask for help from my coworkers when I need to check if we have something, or have to give the script to the pharmacist.  

Tenzin and Holly check up on me on a regular basis; actually everyone does.  I have people making sure I'm doing well throughout the day, and people who look at me like I'm crazy when I want to get up and do something like walk to the other side of the pharmacy.

I won't lie to you; after a day at the "office" I feel completely drained.  It's tiring sitting on a chair all day just punching in data.  I have turned to Tenzin multiple times and said how I'm ready to fall asleep throughout the day.  But it's soooo much better then sitting in my bed feeling sorry for myself.

Today was a day off and I didn't really do much other then listen to Taylor's new CD and fall in love with it.  Even though she gets a lot of backlash for constantly writing about her failed relationships, I love how she somehow puts my feelings in words with her songs.  Seriously, it's sometimes really creepy.

Tonight is the LAST night of those devil shots.  Or at least I'm crossing my fingers and toes that it is because my stomach is starting to look like a smiley face with the little bruises.  

Introducing.....

Because there are blood clots in two different veins, we had to come up with two different names.  Last one, Shannon and I came up with Henry.  This time, the family sat around the hospital room and came up with Natasha and Borris.  I think it's fitting, since they were the bad guys in the show.

State of Grace

I'm a lucky girl.  Yes, I know this statement may seem very weird coming from a girl who just returned from the hospital with the news that she has two blood clots in her leg.  But I'm lucky because I have amazing friends, family, coworkers, and even acquaintances who really just want me to get better.  This whole network of people who have reached out to myself, my parents, or even my brother to send well wishes and words of encouragement.  It's mind blowing.

I have always tried to be truthful in this blog and I'm going to try my best in this post.  When I went to the hospital the other day, I was so fed up with my stomach.  I cried to my dad that Monday night asking why does this particular stupid stomach problem have to happen to a girl who loves food.  And I mean LOVE food.  How many girls do you know who has a food bucket list?  Not many.  But I cried because my stomach hurt.  I cried because I have to put my parents through this. I cried because I keep having to answer the "are you okay" question that is necessary for those who are concerned but gets tiring for those who are the ones being asked.  And I cried for the fact that I will never be one hundred percent healthy again for the rest of my life.  This colitsis this affects so many people, and I just need to buck up and deal with it.

So going to the hospital to get this whole thing squared away......I was pumped.  Never in my life did I think that I would have to go through that whole winter fiasco again.  But here I am, with my leg up and the size of my thigh (okay, that may be a little understatement, but it is pretty swollen).  

This time though, the whole thing feels different.

I'm stronger then I was that December/January; I mean I'm still walking, even if it's a little painful, I'm still walking.  I would like to think I have a little swag in my step now.  If someone knows of a cane that we can pimp out, then you know where to find me.  Plus, I don't plan on just sitting around and letting the world go on around me.  I plan on living life no matter what, and not hide in a shell.  Unlike last time, I'm trying not to feel sorry for myself and just think "It happened again; now let's deal with it."

I'm not going to lie to you all.  I am not happy this has happened to me and this time around we are demanding answers.  I'm going to find out why I keep getting blood clots because two at the age of 25 is a little much don't you think?  And the pain in the leg sucks, along with having to get those stupid shots in my stomach.  Sorry Dad that you have to do those again by the by.  But I'm going to keep my head up high and the smile on my face bright because there is no way in HELL I'm letting this thing beat me again.

I did it once, and I will do it again.  With the biggest support system in MY corner, cheering me on every single step I take and every meal I'm able to eat without being in pain.

I'm going to let you in on a little secret. 

Even though people always wish to have a day where they can lay around in bed and do absolutely nothing, it is so freaking boring.

But my goodness, it's wonderful to be home again.  My own bed.  My own television. So many freaking channels. And yummy food.

Now, I'm off to get some rest, read a book and probably take a wonderful little nap before I have to get blood work.  Yessssss!

I Love My Team, Man I Love My Team

Surprise! Reporting, once again, live from Yale New Haven, this is Jennifer.....

Sorry, I need a little humor to entertain me and put my mind's at ease on how this is all beginning once again.

I'm sure this is not a surprise to many people who read this blog, I have been admitted to Yale once again.  Yesterday, I waited patiently like a organ donor for a bed to open up in the regular hospital and got admitted like a normal person this go around. Goooo meee!

Upon arrival, my limp became more distinguished thanks to the pain in my calf.  You have to understand, I was under the full impression that this was simply a flare up and that my leg was from dehydration on top of lack of whatever vitamin I was lacking.  When the doctor found out about my history with blood clots, they ddecided to send me for an ultra sound.  Well, I am so freaking lucky that they did because turns out I have ANOTHER blood clot.  Yayyyy me!  Sorry, once again I sometimes use humor in inappropriate places. 

Turns out there is a link between my colitis and my blood clots.  When I have these flare ups, I am more likely to have a blood clot on top of it.  This go around, the blood clot doesn't hurt as much as the first one did.  The first one was awful, but this one is truly doable.  At the moment, I have it propped with pillows and waiting for the family to come back to visit.  

What does this mean for me now you may be asking?  

Well, for starters it means I am here until at least tomorrow.  Today, I got shot up with the equalivant of liquid prednisone and it's reacting ten times better then the pills I received last week.  The doctor said that due to the flare up, I was not able to absorbs the proper dosage, and with the IV, I know that it will get straight to making me better.  This also means I get to try the whole eating thing, and when Dr. I came in today to see how I was, he was extremely happy to seem me chowing down on a sandwich (even if it's just from the cafe....).

This also means I have to go back on the blood thinning medication, with the possibility of being on it for the rest of my life.  While I don't think that sounds like the most amazing thing, if it means I'm not going to have blood clots anymore then I'm down for whatever.  The shots are just as awful as I remember and I wish beyond anything else that I don't have to take them, but it's the life that I lead.

Hopefully next week I'll return back to work with some necessary steps to accomodate me.  Yes, I know I'm wishful thinking, but the fact of the matter is I'm bored out of my mind just sitting in a bed doing absolutely nothing all day.  I am my mother's daughter after all.  As for now, I'm looking forward to dinner and some quality time with my family.  They really have been the most amazing people throughout this whole thing.

I also want to thank EVERYONE for everything they have done for my family and I the past few days.  Messages on Facebook, texts, calls, visits, prayers, well wishes and everything.  I have cried many happy tears the past twenty four hours for being so very very thankful with the outpouring of love I have experienced from everyone.  I'm a lucky woman.  And to have such an amazing support system backing me and telling me how strong I am makes me so proud to have my team.

I Keep Gushing

Ever read something and just smile because someone absolutely NAILED every emotion you felt?  Cause that definitely happened just now.

I have never been that girl, but I know how it feels to feel broken.  I know how it is to share yourself completely with another, only to be left broken and hurting at the end of the day.

So once again everyone, enjoy one of the most inspiring people of my generation.  Seriously, taking on matters of the heart one day at a time.

Here We Go Again....

For those who read this on a regular, I have not been opening up recently about my current events.  

Last Wednesday after work I head to Goose Lane, my home away from home.  Now when I say this, I do not want you all to think I truly enjoy going to the hospital.  In fact, I hate it. But I have been dealing with this stupid stomach thing for a week, and when I got home on Wednesday night and called the on call service, they basically told me I should go to the hospital.  So we ended up going, I got pumped up with IV fluids, some Cipro and other drugs, and ended up heading home at 3 in the morning.  I was punch drunk basically at that point and all I wanted to do is go home.

Mind you, the nurse who was checking me in sort of remember me once I started to tell her what I was in for.  She looked at me and goes, "Wait you were here a few months ago....".  Woof.  I don't enjoy being remembered in the emergency room (even if it's not a busy emergency room.....)

Anyway, I ended up trying to go on with life like normal by going into work with my head down and do my work.  I was successful, and looked forward to having three days off so I can sleep off this awful stomach problem and hopefully have the medication kick in.

Sadly, I was mistaken.  

Since Thursday evening, I haven't had a full nights sleep.  I have been up basically every hour or two, and last night couldn't even sleep at all.  My stomach didn't get any better what so ever and I missed out on some fun times with my friends.  Instead of calling the on call service again this weekend, I waited until Monday to call my doctor to see what he would recommend.  I'm not happy.  I'm in my bed or on the couch most of the day and can't even fall asleep when that's all I need.

So yesterday my doctor recommended me going to the hospital either last night or today.  I do not want to go at all and when I told him I wasn't up as much last night, he asked if I started to feel better.  If I answered yes, I don't need to go today, then my parents would have KILLED me.  Now I'm just waiting to hear from Yale until a bed is free and my sick ass can get in there to start getting pumped with medications again so I can start enjoying food again.

I haven't been able to sleep all night.

I'm going to the hospital sometime today for a few days.

I swear I'm not making up my pains or enjoy hospital trips entirely.  In fact, they make me cry.  A lot.

More when it's not 3:30a.m.

Sweet Nothing....

Christopher would be proud.  As I'm getting ready to start a wonderful weekend, I'm blasting some Calvin Harris.  I wish that I could go see him sometime in my life.

Happy weekend everyone!

 

Side Effects--Nothing But Trouble

Medication side effects. 

Boy, are they sometimes a pain in the ass.

Over the past few years, I have had some side effects to the many medications I have been on.  I've put on weight.  My face has broken out like a teenager.  I have had bleeding issues.  Bruises magically appeared after barely hitting an object. I've been tired and I've been wide awake.

But most recently, I have been itchy.  And while some may think this isn't an awful side effect, it is top ten most uncomfortable thing I have had to go through.

Seriously, it's that bad.

Last night, Dad and I tried to figure out what makes the itching start.  It's not like I have dry skin, or that I haven't been putting lotion on to try to prevent it.  Instead the itching continues, to a point where I let out an aggravated sigh, wishing it would just stop.  I'm sure most people I'm with don't notice it unless I complain about wanting to crawl out of my skin. 

But every time my nails go to scratch my arm, I realize with annoyance that it's starting again.

Rarely do I go online to see what my different symptoms may mean.  Last time I did that, I sat in my room one morning, crying, because I thought I would need surgery to get good old Henry out. For this reason alone, I don't like to diagnosis myself from the internet.  The itching has gotten SO annoying, that I broke my own rules and turned to good old Google to find out the connection of my current problem and Remicade.

And I found out I wasn't the weird one.  This wonderful side effect has happened to other people, with no explanation of why it occurred, or how to stop it from coming.  Instead, there were people's own remedies, and their accounts of mystifying the doctor.

To me, this is a blessing.

When I was explaining to Dr. I last week about my itching, he had never heard of such side effects and that left me feeling defeated.  Once again I was the only weird one with this problem.  But thanks to Google, I found others just like me.  And that's refreshing.

Known side effects suck.  Unknown side effects are even worse, and it's nice to know that I'm not the only one experience the problem of non stop itching

Shake Down You Make Me Break.....

The storm is ragin outside and it makes me think of this song.  With the results that we have been having the past year, I always get scared when the storms become so strong, like it is today.  This wind is crazy,and the rain is coming down sideways.

Luckily I haven't gone totally crazy with nerves because I absolutely hate storms.  And it's makes me think of this beautiful Something Corporate song when the storm is going crazy outside.

Where Were You When the World Stopped Turning....

Yesterday was an important day in America's history, but also for some of my dearest people in my life. September 11th 2001 changed the world that we live in completely.  It showed Americans that even in during one of the biggest tragedies that ever happened to our country, we can come together as a group of people, and help each other mourn and grow and stand tall and heal with one another.

Thousands of lives were lost on that day, caused by an act of hate.  Millions of people were affected, from those who lost family or friends in those towers, or on those planes.  To the men and women who went to defend our nation during a time of crisis in our military.  To those military families who have supported our troops every day that they are away.

There is a man from Milford who had the biggest smile in the world.  His name is Michael and he is cherished by some of the people that I love the most in my life.  Michael worked in one of the towers on that fateful day and it's my understanding that our world lost such a bright star.

Yesterday, when I was at the memorial service in West Haven, I couldn't help but think of my friends who lost Michael 11 years ago.  Michael is a man whose legacy lives on every time a story is told by Kate or Emily or Brad.  Every time we see a lady bug outside.  I got emotional yesterday listening to the speeches and remembering how my friends hurt every day because they miss Michael so much.

And I grew extremely proud of my country.  For a country that pulled together in the darkest time and built itself back up.  For a country that showed that we were stronger then even we expected.  I cried watching that flag go up, and hearing songs for America. Because we are America. Home of the brave.

Happy Monday Ya'll

I love this quote.  
I love Winnie the Pooh.  
And I love that this can give all the people I care about faith that they are amazing and will do great things in this world.

Throwback Thursday: Cause She Will Be Loved

While listening to the radio recently, I have been hearing some throw back love songs that I have absolutely loved.  At some point, the song would get over played, I'd get annoyed, the song would disappear, and then when I hear it again, I would fall back in love with it.  These are just some gems that you all can enjoy on this wonderful Thursday.

 
Maroon 5 has always been a favorite of mine, long before Mr. Adam Levine was on the voice and releasing "Songs About Jane".  And I have always, always loved this song.  

Julia and I got so sick of this song sophomore year of college that we made up our own lyrics. So whenever I hear this song, I think of her and when we would just lie around the dorm with music cranked up on high.

I think it's a dream for every girl in this world to have a song released that is about them.  If I remember from when this song was released, it's about a girl he didn't even date Deliah.  I mean really, who wouldn't want to inspire such a beautiful song from a guy they didn't even end up date.

"Collide" will always hold a special place in my heart.  Not only did I see Howie Day perform this live during senior year of high school, but I also had a dear friend dedicate this to me for my 18th birthday because he knew it was my favorite.  I have said before that I'm a sucker for a guy who knows how to play guitar.....and this is one of the reasons.

While they may not be the most romantic love songs, I have been hearing them on the radio recently and I just couldn't help but smile whenever I hear them.

Seeing as I'm finally off of the steriods, I am finally seeing the side effects to the Remicade treatments.

Number one?  I feel like I'm breaking out all over the place and that I look really silly with it.  Plus, I'm tired all the time and can't stay awake if I ever lie down for any length of time.  Which is not fun because I do not like being tired.

I'm hoping this goes away ASAP because I'm really over it.  

Recently, Christopher has not stopped asking me questions about the whole colitis thing.  You see, he has a new friend who has Crohn's and doesn't seem to know anyone who has the same thing.  I guess I never realized how lucky I am to have friends who know what I am feeling when I go through a flare up.

But it's really nice to have Chris ask me questions about my health.  Even if it's what medications are you on a Sunday at 10 oclock at night.  When I didn't know what was going on with me, I was so upset with Chris for the fact that he never seemed interested in my well being.  I knew he cared, because he always offered being a phone call away.  But he always went off with his friends on adventures while I was stuck on my bed, depressed.  Asking all the questions he has been asking, and seeing his fascination with knowing the answers through his new friends eyes is pretty amazing.

His interest in my condition makes me want to meet this new friend but more then that, I want to sit down and have an open discussion with my wonderful brother.  Honestly, even a question about stupid medications couldn't wipe the smile off my face.

Last year, when we lost Madison, I got another Madison in the form of a stuffed fox.  A fox meant a lot to me at the time, and having the package waiting on my bed took the sting of losing one of my favorites from my life.  

Now, we are losing Mandy, and I can not handle this loss as well.  Mandy has always been the quiet of the two sisters.  She barely barked while Madison was alive and now she barks a lot, especially when she gets excited about eating dinner.  But while she has regained a youthfulness, she has been declining a lot these past few weeks.  She can't make it up the stairs without being coaxed. Mom and Dad think she's blind in her eyes which I don't necessarily see.  And it's heartbreaking to watch.

I don't have a stuffed animal to hold onto this time around and I'm rather nervous about Mandy.  We will have such a quiet house when Mandy isn't around anymore.  

I don't know why I'm writing about Mandy.  I think I'm more sad then anything that she isn't feeling well and that she's lonely without Madison.

I just really don't like this growing up thing....

Throwback Thursday.

This came onto my Ipod this morning and I remembered how much I loved it.  Plus, it always reminds me of Julia when we played that in college.

One of my favorite songs in the world.  I love how it starts slow and how it picks up for the chorus.  I don't know many people who don't like this song.

Love this song.  There is a song out now that's called "Tongue Tied" that reminds me a lot of this song.  I don't know about the music videos for any of these songs, but I do love the actual songs.

And you know it's Throwback Thursday, so I figure I would share....

Happy Monday

Here's a great philosophy to live by this week.  Because in the words of the Beatles....Love is all you need.

Love Is All You Need....

In honor of one of my younger cousins moving in for her freshmen year at college, I decided to do a little nostalgic  post because I miss college that much.

College was such a scary, big, idea throughout high school but especially during that summer before you moved into a dorm.  I spent that summer in Arkansas with Kayleigh and her family and went on various trips to several baseball tournaments.  For some reason, I decided that spending the most memorable summer away from my friends.  Goodbyes scared me sand I didn't want to be the one to miss my friends the most.

That summer seemed endless, until we were getting together to say goodbye to each other.  There were some tears, but mostly promises, countless promises, that we would stay in touch and that we would get together all the time when we were home.

Then college hit.  I went through it all in college.  Friends who stayed and made such a huge impact in my life and will support me in everything I will ever do in my life.  Friends who I thought were everything but turned out to let me down.  People that helped me up every time I fell.  And then those people who spent hours and hours with me at the library, to which we would end the days in the wee hours of the morning laughing and dancing the night away.

College is a place I found myself.  I found out that if I studied hard, and I mean really hard, I could do anything I set my mind to.  The first year was bad academically, but when I decided I needed to get things done, I was able to turn everything around.  I learned who true people were and that sometimes, even with the best intentions, people let you down.  They don't mean to but sometimes life just makes you drift apart from those people who you thought would be in your life till old age.  And I found out about music, and love and friendship and work ethic and communication.  I found that I could be on my own and survive. 

And I found that my family would love me regardless and always be my biggest supporters no matter what.

I am beyond jealous of Kayleigh because she started this wonderful life journey yesterday.  I can not wait to hear how much she loves school and everything she gets to do.  I know everyone has to eventually grow up, but I wish I could relive my college years.  Not to do anything differnt, but to have that care free life where I am always a short walk away from some sort of adventure....

Living Just to Find Emotion....

If there is one thing I want to do, it is make an impact on someone's life.  When people tell me they always see me with a smile on my face, or that I always look happy, that means a lot to me.   It makes me realize that we can project an image to those around us, and if a smile on my face can make someone's day, then that is amazing.

But I want to make a change.  When I was younger, I had the idea of making a change with wanting to be a teacher.  And I'm not saying I'm giving up on that dream, but I am thinking that my dream, at least for now, has changed.  I want to help people who aren't as lucky as I am to have amazing friends or family.  I want to help my friends who have done so much for me.  And I want to help good causes.

I don't know how to start this great change that I have in my mind.  Sometimes I don't think it's possible, but then I'm reminded that my smile sometimes makes people's days.  Go figure right?

At a quarter of a century old, I think it's about time for me to actually start doing things.  Just take that leap of faith and soar.  Yes, this may be a complete cliche, HOWEVER, if I ever want to be successful in jumping Signal Rock, I gotta be open to jumping in all aspects of my life.  Because life is not going to sit around and wait for me.  There have been a handful of times I have taken the plunge and been brave.  And all those times have been pretty successful.  

So I'm thinking it's about that time again.....to be brave for myself.  To start making a change in my own little world.  To smile a bit more because you never know who just needs that smile to make their day a little bit better.

Throwback Thursday: Weeeeeeee

I have been listening to a lot of random music lately, in part because I want to find the great summer playlist, but also because at work we can only listen to one Top 40 station and today's pop music gets old.  It's funny though, in a few months I will become nostalgic for the stuff that's playing now.  We are a culture who goes through popular music wicked fast.

Anyway, I started to fall in love with my old favorites.  You know....music that may have been a point of reference to our lives.  There is that old saying after all that music makes the world go round.  But here are some favorites that I hope you are able to enjoy.

Empty Apartment--Yellowcard

Beautiful song about wishing someone you once loved will remember you with fondness

Summertime--Kenny Chesney

Because it's a smile, it's a kiss, it's a sip of wine....summertime

 Try Again---Aailyah

A beautiful voice that was taken way too soon.

I want to know about other people's favorite music.  I want to know about what songs remind you of a specific time in your life or made a moment that much more memorable.  Because weather we like it or not, we all have our own soundtrack, even if we don't really "enjoy music".  I'm one of those people that needs a song always in my head, or playing around me.  I know that not everyone is like me, but I want to know those songs that may stick out, that no matter what you have to turn up the radio.