Love You More.....

Yesterday marked 1 year since I last heard your voice Daddy and I still feel lost without you.

Every day I miss you more then any words can explain.  When good things happen and when bad things occur, I reach my phone to text you.  Imagine the pain when I remember you are not around to give me advice anymore; that you are not there to encourage my dreams, or celebrate my achievements.  

365 days. 

Most days are long and sometimes I feel like I will eventually wake up from this terrible nightmare.  Yesterday showed me as much as I wish this was a dream, it's a new reality.  A reality I would never wish on anyone.

Last year, this world lost one of the best men that I have ever known and I was blessed to call you my father.  Our family's world crumbled and we have been struggling to regain some sort of footing ever since.  I truly believe the world lost a bit of it's sparkle because you left this life.  

Thank you Dad for making me into the caring, saracastic, hard working woman that I am today.  You taught me so much in the 26 years I was blessed to have you in my life and I am still learning from you every day.  Thank you for teaching me that I am stronger then I give myself credit for, even though I wish you were here to encourage me every day.  

I don't think there has been a day that has gone by that I don't think of you or miss you.  I hope I make you proud every single day, that's all I wish every single day.  I want you to know it's a struggle to face every single day, but I am a warrior for you.  I smile and treat people with respect like you taught me to.  

You were the best man I have ever known and I miss your smile, your sarcasm, your laughter and your daily advice on how to conquer this world.  I still can not believe it's been 365 days and I miss you every single day.

Love you more.

Winding Down from Thanksgiving

Another weekend coming to a close and part of me couldn't be happier about that.

Weekends are hard. No easy way to put that.  Weekends I have a lot of time to sit around and think.  And having time to think is not a good thing to do.

Last night I sat around with Chris and his best friends from high school.  These are the kids who I have watched grow up into some pretty amazing adults.  They are taking the world by storm all over the East coast and yet they come together every now and then to catch up and go out.

I love that.

As we were sitting there, I reminded them about last year Thanksgiving Eve when my dad drove all their drunk asses home from the bar.  One of them looks at me, says "Funny story," and proceeds to tell us that when he got out of the car, he got sick in his driveway.

As I sat around the table with them, I imagined my dad walking into the kitchen, telling everyone hello, and continuing on with his night of watching television.

Its moments like that I really miss my dad.  When he would be so impressed with the people that my brother and his friends have become.

I Miss You.

My world stopped on Monday, May 13 2013 around 4:30.

I wish I could explain how empty I feel.  I wish I could explain the pain it is to lose not only your best friend, but your father as well.  My heart was ripped out of my body last week and sometimes, I don't think it will ever be replaced.

I really wish this was all a bad dream.  That tomorrow I could wake up and Dad would be sitting in the living room reading the paper and telling me that there was no Powerball winner and how he changed his spreadsheet for his winnings.  I wish I would get text messages from him in the middle of the night to tell me what channel his favorite movie, Friends With Benefits was on.

I wish I could tell him that I loved him more.  I wish he was making dinner when I was coming home from work and tell me all the different things he did in the garden.  I wish I could see him interact with Mom and saying how much she "hates him" with the sparkle in his eye because he knows for a fact that it is far from the truth.

I wish he was here to hug me when I'm feeling sad about silly people who have hurt my heart or when I have a bad day at work.  I wish he was here to encourage me everyday that I can do better at life, and to encourage me that I should go after my dreams.

I'm so lost without my father and it's only been two weeks.  I cry at the most random times, and just wish he was here all the time.  Tonight, I almost text messaged him to tell him something, I can't remember what exactly, but I had to physically stop myself because I know he won't be able to read it.  Sometimes I think about all the things that he's going to miss in my life.  If I ever get married, or have kids.  Or when I find that job that I absolutely love.  And my heart breaks even more knowing he won't be there to smile at me, or crack jokes.

My whole world stopped that Monday and part of me isn't sure if it ever will really start over again.

Things I'm Thankful For

Part of what I love about the holidays is the time spent with my family.  Thanksgiving is always a great time to reflect on things that you are most thankful for, with most people sharing with those they love all the things they are thankful for.  

I had planned on sharing pictures here every day this week to show some of the people I am thankful for most in my life.  With all the ups and downs this life has given me these past few years, I am incredibly thankful for all the wonderful people in my life.  I have the biggest cheerleaders on my side whenever I start to feel down.  With all my health problems, I have realize that I am extremely lucky to have people willing to help me and my family whenever we are down.  

I am thankful that I was able to enjoy the holiday with my family and eat some delicious foods.  I am thankful that my flare up has gone away and that Natasha and Boris have not been bothering me too much.  I am thankful for my wonderful family and friends, and every single person who has helped me and my family in the past.  I'm thankful for my job, even if I want to rip my hair out sometimes when I'm there.  And I'm thankful for the roof over my head and all the wonderful things my parents have provided me throughout my life.

Olympic Fun with my Sisters <3

Sorry for the fomatting, I'm terrible with computers sometimes.

But here are a few pictures of some of my favorite people, that I am so thankful to have in my life.

La Familia

The Second Family at the Beach

Tenzina and Holly. Two of the girls who make me sane at work

Smiles & Laughs Always

Madison <3

Mandy <3

Brother and Sisters

The Replacement Jen

Nana with the Connecticut Grandkids

Since the beginning.

Some of my favorites.  Really just love this picture

My Girlfriends.

Throwback Thursday: Hanging By a Moment

It's been weird.   I have heard this song so many times on the radio this past week and I'm not sure why because it's such an old school song.  I love it though and sing along to it whenever I hear it.

I mean let's be honest, Lifehouse makes nothing but good jams.

It's Always a Good Time

Ever have one of those weekends that was so amazing, when you try to put it into words, they don't do any justice to it?

That was this weekend for me.  I wish I could account all the wonderful details, but whenever I try, I fail miserably.

Magic Mike.  Beach.  Patio dinner with the Milford family.  Margaritas.  Laughing until my stomach hurt with the Milford loves.  Prepping for Bar crawl.  Celebrating birthdays.  Sitting on the grass. Long lost friends. Cake pops. Pictures.  Fireworks.  Sam Summer. Oomcha Music.

A bunch of words that may not mean anything to anyone else, but it makes me smile to know I had such an amazing weekend.

Throwback Thursday: Summertime

Summer officially started yesterday and I find this an appropriate song for Throwback Thursday.

This song reminds me of the summer 2006, the summer after my freshmen year of college.  I loved singing this song with my friends, even though I was the only one that enjoyed country at the time.  Many nights were spent hanging out with kids from high school, jumping in pools and just sitting around various people's houses just talking and laughing about our lives. Sometimes I wish I could go back to those days, they were much simpler then, but I enjoy my life now.

I plan on just living this summer carefree just like how I feel whenever I hear this song.

And who doesn't agree that Kenny is the ultimate summer song maker?  Just what I thought, everyone.

Throwback Thursday: Summer Jam

When I posed the question of the ultimate summer playlist to my friends, Shannon sent me a list of some ideas.  This happened to be one of them. 


I can't remember what grade I was in, but I remember really enjoying the song.  And while I never saw the music video until today, who doesn't love popular culture's spoof on the 80's.


Unlike some of the other songs I have posted here, I don't like the song because it has some grand meaning to it.  I just like it because it makes you want to dance around with your friends singing it on the top of your lungs.  To just get out of your head and enjoy the music I did back in high school.


So thank you Shannon for this amazing gem on the ultimate summer playlist.  I really have to hop on that list now.

Throwback Thursday: Simple Plan

Anyone remember Simple Plan?

I'm pretty sure this song came out when I was in high school and I loved it.  Last night it came on my Ipod and I remember how much I loved it. 


There's really no back story to this one.  Just that I really enjoy listening to a good throwback jam. And I couldn't help but dance around singing along when  I heard it last night.


Enjoy.

Time Flies....

Here's a fun fact for you all.

It has been a year since I returned home from my week long "vacation" at Yale New Haven.

I knew the anniversary was coming up, but I didn't know exact dates.  I went back in this blog and saw I went home on the 21st.  Which means that yesterday was the wonderful day that I gained my freedom back.

A lot has changed since I went into the hospital that early early Monday morning.  For starters, I know exactly what I have and why my stomach had been acting up.  I'm still the stubborn girl who got pissed off she had to stay at the hospital, but I'm trying not to close up when things don't go my way (my parents may disagree how well I'm doing on this one....).  While I had all these hopes when I got out that I would be magically cured, I know now that a cure isn't possible and that I may have flair ups the rest of my life, but with rest and guidance from my doctor, I can get through it.

I learned other things.  That I'm stronger then I was when I first went into the hospital, and even when I first got out.  Also, I'm more open to what is going on with my health which was not the case before going in.  I hid how bad it really was, because I had written it away that the problem would go away without doctor's help.  Now, I tell my parents everything, even when I have random bruising on my legs (which is really annoying by the way but I'm hoping the summer will make it not as noticeable).

I can remember how weak I felt when I got out that Friday afternoon, but how extremely excited I was to be out, to have McDonalds, to go in and see people from work.  I remember being excited to go to a Bluefish game, and to the Seas after the game, making jokes with Blair about the world ending and him using that as a pick up line.  I remember how the world just felt so new because I had spent the week, hooked up to various machines, in a bed, not able to do anything on my own.

Sometimes I wish I could go back to that excitement of a brand new world and other times I realize I wouldn't want to.  I enjoy my life.  While there are tears, they have been mostly of joy as of late which a year ago they were mostly of frustration and sadness. And my world is exciting, just not in the getting out of the hospital and things are going back to normal kind of way....

Throwback Thursday: Ocean Avenue

Today, as I was taking a nice little walk, my IPod shuffled to "Ocean Avenue".  Now for those of you who don't know this song or even this album, I guess you weren't a huge fan of music back in the early 2000's.  

This song reminds me of high school and the idea of summer.  I mean, the title of the album is Ocean Avenue, how can one not think of the beach and spending the time at the beach with your friends.

I love everything about this song, minus the music video.  I love the lyrics.  I love the whole CD. I love how it brings me back to singing this in a car with my friends (mostly Meggie) in the car.  I love how even to this day, I still will sing this song out loud whenever I hear it.  

Tonight, I was discussing the song with Shannon and Meghan before trivia.  And Shannon completely agreed that this was THE song of high school.  Now I know that there were other songs we fell in love with in high school because in high school you think everything means so much.  But the thing is, if you ever hear this song if you are in your mid 20's, you immediately think of high school.  For me, it's a wonderful memory.

I discussed this with Tom and his friend Adam back on my birthday, this whole album was a non skip album.  You could listen to every single song of this CD and not skip ahead because a song was bad.  Shannon agreed tonight.  Take the time to go back to your high school days, or wherever you were six-ish years ago.  And it will honestly make you smile.  Where you want to turn up the whole CD and just jam to it the whole afternoon.

Where Are All the May Flowers?

April showers bring May flowers is what the old saying states.

But four days into the month, I think I have seen more showers then the whole month of May.  It's totally fine though because the Earth needed a good watering, but still, some sunshine soon would be a nice thing.

I keep dreaming about the sunshine and summertime.  I changed over my closet yesterday which means I saw all my summer dresses that I hope I get to wear a lot.  And I just got so excited for the possibilities of the summer.  Last night when I went out for dinner, we talked about all the fun adventures we wanted to do.  Summers always hold great memories with my friends and I and we plan on documenting and creating those memories like crazy this year. 

I can not wait for these May showers to go away to give us some beautiful summer weather.
 

Here Comes the Sun....

I'm all about the summer.  It's my best time.  If you notice, the past year plus I have been dealing with these stomach things, I am best when it's the summer.  It's winter or spring when I have a flare up and while the steroids might not let me feel beautiful, summer is when I feel the most like me.

Now because summer is starting, I am making plans.  Big plans.  Because last summer was a magical time, and I want this summer to be the same, if not better.  How are you going to do this Jen, you may be asking yourself? Simple, I'm gonna share some of these plans with you.

1. Jump Signal Rock.  It's not even an option at this point in time.
2. Start running in preparation for my first 5 k at the end of the summer.
3. At least one concert on the green complete with picnic and good friends
4. Beach days
5. Bar crawl with the Milford kids
6. Tons of pictures
7. Backyard BBQ's--including christening Shannon/Brendan's place with a few
8. Bluefish games that include Seas visit after
9. Classy night out with everyone---we get dressed nicely and go out for a nice dinner somewhere we normally don't go. 
10. Dave and Busters
11. Beat Tom at Scramble with Friends
12. Create the ultimate summer music mix--obviously including Everything Tonight

Since I was a little kid, I have always believed the summer was a magical time.  This summer is not going to be any different.  With all of us together, we are going to have a wonderful time kids, just you watch.

Hey, I Just Met You....

I believe in friendships that turn into family.  Always have, always will.

This weekend I went up to Boston for my little sister's birthday.  And as some may be scratching their head wondering if I even have a little sister, let me explain.  My mother is one of the lucky ones still friends with her high school friends.  Yes, I have a whole second family that includes some wonderful women and men and a bond that many people just don't understand.

This family includes Kate, Ricky and Emily.  Kate's birthday was this weekend and us "kids" decided to trek up to Boston to help the little one celebrate.  We have spent countless hours at the beach, we have had countless meals and hanging out time, and even trips.  But a trip of just the kids has not happened until this weekend.  To say that we laughed our butts off and made countless memories would be an understatement.  I don't think I have had that great of a time in forever.

I can not imagine my life without the four of them.  On the ride home last night, I was amazed how much everything fades to the background when we get together and we just are.  It's a very rare friendship that this can occur and I am lucky to have that with these kids.  Age is no longer a concern and we just genuinely enjoy spending time in each other's company.  Words don't seem to articulate the proper feelings I get with these kids.  Yesterday we honestly sat in a dorm room laughing about text messages and feeling popular.  It wasn't anything special, but Emily and I just got silly over it.

Every single one of them is a beautiful person, and I'm not just saying that because that was one of our countless quotes from the weekend.  I really do mean each one of them is beautiful person who cares for those around them and are going to do great things in their life.  And I feel very special to call them my family and to be part of that journey in their lives.

Miss You....

It's been fifteen years since you have gone and I miss you like it was yesterday.

My world was rocked that March day.  I have told this to a handful of people, but I had a feeling I needed to be with you the night before.  I insisted on spending the day off at your house, but you had school.  Maybe I knew you needed someone there, maybe I just had that feeling.  I really do regret not being able to say goodbye.  Not spending that last day with you but for my own sanity, it's probably a good thing I was not there because I would have been devastated.  


You were one of the most amazing people I knew.  Candy was always in the cabinet above the sink.  Chips and other snack foods in the unused stove.  While I always smelled like cigarette smoke when I left, I was never happier then spending the day with you.


Sick days were my absolute favorite.....I got to snack on junk food and sneakily watch soap operas while I was supposed to nap.  I'm sure Mom would not have been happy about that remedy, but it made me happy.


Grandma, I miss you every day.  I got this tattoo with you in mind.  I thought about you all day today and even told Theresa how amazing you were.  I hope you I make you proud Grandma, I hope you watch over me every day and hold me up when I truly do need you.


Anytime I see a butterfly, I know you and Papa are with me. <3