Thank You

This year I have been truly blessed.

Yes, this is an odd statement coming from me especially after 2013.

Over the past few days I have been thinking a lot about all the people who have been there for me during those dark days.  And those people who do everything in their power to make me laugh or smile.  The people who make me feel light again.

I have to believe my wonderful angel has placed certain people in my life.  The people who have pulled me out of my shell when all I wanted to do is hide.  The people who tell me what a beautiful soul I have.  The people who have cared for me even with a simple hello or smile or a heart text message because they woke up in the middle of the night thinking of me.

It's hard to believe that most of the people who I'm close with today were barely in my life last year.  These people I consider family, who I know will be there for so many years to come.  I'm so grateful for these friends, who continue to deal with my tears, and sadness, but also my complete joy and happiness when I'm around them.  I'm grateful for the people who continue to support me even after those scary, early dark days.

I can not put into words how grateful I am for all the loving support I have received over this past year.  I always knew I was blessed from the support I had throughout my many hospital stays, but the overwhelming love that we have gotten has been unreal.

To the friends and family who read this:  Thank you so much for the love you have sent me throughout this difficult journey.  For the cards and the letters and the well wishes.  Thank you for the countless hugs, for the dance parties when I didn't want to feel all the feelings.  For the patience with dealing with me especially on the days that I become way too quiet or was feeling really down.  The patience to hearing more stories about my dad then more people could tolerate.  Essentially thank you for being you, and for helping me along this weird long little journey that I ahve started down.

 

2014 Thus Far....

First blog post of the year 2014 and it's going to be a quick little round up.

Mom, Chris and I went to Miami for a vacation from winter, reality, and to spend as much time on the beach.

Flash forward to the polar vortex and the first two days were "cold" for Floridians in the fifties, but wonderful to us who were coming from temperatures in the teens.

Unfortunately for me, the days of relaxation wore off within a few hours of working.  

This vacation was a roller coaster of emotions.  I was standing by the ocean in January and wished so much that my dad was there.  But we got clues that he was there, every part of the vacation, and I couldn't be more blessed for those signs from heaven.

I promise to update this more in the year 2014.  More pictures, more posts and plenty more memories.

Things Happened in 2013

I saw someone do a blog post on what they did in the year 2013. 

I love lists.  I especially love best of lists.  So here we go...

In 2013, I....

...went on a cruise on one of the biggest boats in the world.

...went to some amazing concerts with some of my favorite people.  Big shows or small shows.  I couldn't complain.

...interviewed with Yale and while I didn't get it,  I interviewed.

...established a small family with a wonderful group of ambitious people who I couldn't be more thankful to have in my life.

...watched my best friend get married to the love of her life.

...lost one of the most important people in my life.  I miss my father every single day but I am so blessed to have had him in my life for 26 years. 

...DID NOT END UP IN THE HOSPITAL THE WHOLE YEAR!!!!!

Here's to finally ending this overall miserable year where my life was changed completely but I am still moving forward trying to stay positive.

Happy 2014 everyone.  Here's to a year filled with positivity, love, laughter, health and amazing friends.

Winding Down from Thanksgiving

Another weekend coming to a close and part of me couldn't be happier about that.

Weekends are hard. No easy way to put that.  Weekends I have a lot of time to sit around and think.  And having time to think is not a good thing to do.

Last night I sat around with Chris and his best friends from high school.  These are the kids who I have watched grow up into some pretty amazing adults.  They are taking the world by storm all over the East coast and yet they come together every now and then to catch up and go out.

I love that.

As we were sitting there, I reminded them about last year Thanksgiving Eve when my dad drove all their drunk asses home from the bar.  One of them looks at me, says "Funny story," and proceeds to tell us that when he got out of the car, he got sick in his driveway.

As I sat around the table with them, I imagined my dad walking into the kitchen, telling everyone hello, and continuing on with his night of watching television.

Its moments like that I really miss my dad.  When he would be so impressed with the people that my brother and his friends have become.

A Thankful Post a Few Days Late

Thanksgiving was a few days ago.  If this is any preview for the holidays, they are going to suck big time.  But with family, and some wine, I think I can survive them.  Plus I have this huge plan for the month of December that might make me feel better this year.  I wanted to do big things last year and never followed through.  This year, I just might make it happen.

 Anyway, on Sunday I went to a Friendsgiving and we were instructed to write down 10 things that we were thankful for.  We laughed, we cried, we toasted.  But it was nice to sit with my closest friends and share what I am thankful for every day.

1. I'm thankful for my health.  I'm on an ever present roller coaster ride but this year, the ride hasn't been horrible.  And for the first time in years (knock on wood....) I have yet to end up in the hospital for any sorts of time except to visit my mother.

2. I'm thankful for patience.  While I have little patience most of the time, I haven't acted out in my many thoughts of screaming at mean people or annoying coworkers.

3.  Food, especially nachos.

4. Pictures to remind me of all the great memories.

5. And my family which includes the friends that have turned into family.  I have leaned a great deal on them in the recent years of my life but nothing compares to this year.  My mother and brother have been my rock.  My work friends and Milford family have seen ugly sides of me and still loved me regardless.  And every single person who has text messaged me, stopped by, called or reached out in some way, it means the world to me.  I lost one of the most important family members in my life this year, and I am especially thankful that I had him in my life for 26 years.

I'm a firm believer in constantly telling those around you how thankful you are for them daily.  It shouldn't just be a once in a year thing.  I think we should always tell those we love how much we love them, including tons of hugs every day.

There are times that I think about that day and it honestly takes my breathe away.

The pain comes in, and I can't stop every moment from that day replaying in my mind.

Every day I miss you more.  Sometimes, I hear your voice cheering me on and every day I hope I make you proud.

But more then that, every single second, I wish I could have you back in my life because this pain is not something I'm ever going to get used to.

Miss you pops.

Best Friends Make the World Go Round.

Ladies and gentlemen.

This weekend, my very best friend is getting married.  And I could not be more excited for her.

I have known Stacey since I started school.  I remember sitting next to her in the circle, maybe because we were sitting in alphabetical order. I introduced myself, and was quickly told that I couldn't be her best friend, because a girl named Amanda knew her longer.

And all these years later, we are all still friends.  

Stacey is my sister in all sense of the word.  We have complained about countless guys, and I'm sure there have been tears.  There have been countless nights out which has started to include alcohol as we grew up.  The most special part of our sisterhood is that no matter how much time passes that Stacey and I don't talk to each other, we pick up right where we left off; chatting away like two little girls from all those years ago.

I remember the day that Stacey brought Brett over to meet everyone.  We were having a party, and Stace was so nervous to introduce Brett to my Dad because she was introducing him to her other father.  And my dad.....God he loved Stacey.  He was so happy that she was getting married.  He couldn't wait to make the journey to New Jersey to watch his other daughter get married. 

I can't wait to see my very best friend, and sister get married this weekend.  I am so honored to watch Stacey marry her best friend and be part of her very special day. 

To Stacey, who I know is one of my number one readers:  I know you are going to make the most beautiful bride.  My dad is going to be right there, watching you with a huge smile on his face.  I love you tons.

Getting Back to Normal

Ever have one of those perfect moments?  When you back to think about it, all you can do is smile.

That was Saturday afternoon after work.

I went to meet up with my family and brother at a local bar.  We haven't all gotten together in a very long time and it was nice to all sit there, laugh and tell stories about things going on in our life.  It was amazing, especially after all the troubles from last week.  

To be with some of the people I love the most?  In a place that I enjoy a lot?  It was wonderful.

To put it simply, I've always been on the other side of the bed.  I have always been the one reassuring everyone that I am okay, sometimes lying a little bit because you don't want your loved ones to worry even more about you.  I've always been the one who has been bored out of her mind at home while everyone else is living their lives.  I've been the one who sleeps to pass the time instead of watching countless reruns and the clock slowly pass.

Being on the other side sucks almost as much as being stuck in that bed recovering.  I constantly worry about Mom.  I worry that she's pushing herself too much or if she is comfortable.  I worry that she'll start to do things that she shouldn't (cough Mom you need to stop doing that...cough).  I worry that I'm not doing enough to help her out.  And I worry that I'm not doing enough to help my dad.

My mom is strong and so is my dad.  But it's still scary when I don't know how to help them.  I know Mom is going to have her good days and her bad days.  That's what the recovering from a major surgery calls for.  There are times though, I wish I could take all of this away so they didn't have to deal with it.

I just want one year that my family doesn't have to worry about recovering from medical problems or hospital visits.  I want one normal or boring year.  Weird request right?  But honestly, that sounds magical to me.

Last week, my dad and I would spend the day visiting Mom in the hospital.  The day would go like this.  Dad and I would get to the hospital while Christopher went to work.  We would spend some time with Mom before she ended up having food/fall asleep/have physical therapy.  Dad and I would take this time to go to the cafe to get lunch for ourselves.  Last Friday, we got to have Sugar cupcake from the cupcake truck.  I was such a happy little camper that day.

After lunch, we would head back to Mom and sit around talking or watching TV.  Sometimes she fell asleep, and often wake from her cat naps apologizing for falling asleep and "boring" us.  I played Candy Crush for a good amount of the visits, even getting Dad to try his hand at the game.  Eventually, Dad and I would leave the hospital with promises to come back.

We would go home where I would nap and wait for us to have some dinner.  After dinner, Chris, Dad and I would head back to the hospital to spend some more time with Mom.  We would hear what happened throughout the day while we were gone, and she would often catch Chris up on what he missed out on. We would giggle sometimes about stories being told multiple times, but we would spend quality family time.

This week Mom has been home.  She is walking with a cane now and when I saw her go outside today, it almost brought tears to my eyes.  I am beyond proud of how far she has come in just one week, and can only imagine the accomplishments she will be achieving every day from now on.

We sit in the family room cause Mom can't go up and down the stairs quite yet and we watch the sun go down every night.  Or at least I do.  And we chat about the day and enjoy the wonderful dinner that my dad makes for us every night.  

I've grown to love family time.  Does it make me a nerd for being completely okay with spending time with my family,cracking jokes and often giggling to a point I can't breathe?

I didn't think so either.

Here Comes the Sun.

Springtime.  A time for new beginnings.  When all the flowers and birds and butterflies come out of hiding.  And the sunshine warms the coldness we felt throughout the winter.  Especially this winter.

What perfect way to enjoy an April 1st then having such a great spring day.  Yes, I was inside at work all day, but I still was able to feel the wonderful spring time before the rain came pouring down to water those May flowers.  

I am so looking forward to the possibilities of a new season changing.  Winter was a trying time for our family and myself.  Health problems and all.  But like I said, I often feel the best during the summertime.  I am going into this month, this season, the rest of this year, with such a positive attitude and nothing but great energy.  Because we all deserve a bit of luck every once in a while and I think it's about time for my family to get some luck.

New Type of Holiday

Happy Easter!

With my mom just getting home from the hospital yesterday, our Easter celebrations are much different then what we normally do.  Instead of cleaning the house all morning, waiting for family to come by mid afternoon, we lounged around the house for hours.

When we all finally got motivated, Mom moved to the living room chair to read and get a different view.  I had the pleasure of cleaning dishes and watching Lifetime movies as Dad cooked our very early dinner.  See, Christopher had a hockey game to go to with Greg and Jeff, so we had to have dinner around 2.  Which means as I'm writing this blog, I'm thinking about what I want for a snack.

Once dinner was ready, the family sat around the living room and ate.  We all got to chat about silly things and how Dad has to put Mom's walker across the room at night so she doesn't go explore without help.

The new type of holiday though?  I enjoyed it.  Everyone is relaxing now, and I haven't gotten out of my leggings/ tshirt combination.  Part of me is sad that I wasn't able to get a bit dressed up at some point in the day, but the other part of me is completely fine with being a bum all day.

Now we are just waiting for some family to come over for coffee and cake that my dad made.  Funfetti cake.  My favorite cake.  Can not wait.

Hope everyone got to spend this holiday with the people they love and enjoying some wonderful food.

Life Lessons at 26

Two years ago; a snapshot of a wonderful accomplishment

Since today is my 26th birthday, I decided that I should write some lessons that life has taught me.  Enjoy.

1. Nothing is better then receiving a hand written letter in the mailbox from a friend.  I not only love sending them, but getting them makes my whole day.

2. You can judge how good a restaurant is by their nachos.  If you don't agree with me, then you obviously have never tested this.

3.  Hospital visits can be stressful, but it's always important to try and be kind to those who are taking care of you.  Health care providers aren't going to be so nice to you if you are being an asshole.

4. Capture as many of life moments with a camera.  Being able to look back on all those amazing memories is something I truly love more then words.

5. Travel.  I have been to many states throughout the country and it's been such a wonderful experience every where I have gone.  The getting their part may be hectic (hello getting stuck in airports...) but the fun times I have had during those trips are priceless.

6.  On-line shopping is one of the greatest inventions of all time, but it can also be the devil.  There have been so many times that I have bought new clothes without having to deal with rude people at malls or stores.

7. Music makes my world go round and song lyrics can truly speak to the soul.  If you don't believe that a great song can change your whole mood, then you haven't been exposed to great music.

8.  Enjoy food.  If my stomach problems have taught me anything, it's always enjoy every aspect of a meal.  Even though I know I may be in pain a hour after eating my meal, if it's a good dish, then I will enjoy it. No matter what.

9.  It's completely okay to spend the day in sweat pants, snuggled with blankets, on the couch reading a good book.  I do this on a regular basis and I'm totally okay with being a bum.

10.  I'm also okay with reading my favorite books on a regular basis.  If I absolutely love a book, then I'm excited to go back and see my favorite characters.  In fact, 90% of the books on my book case I have read more then once, and I'm not ashamed of that.

11.  Life seems to be better in the summer time, as well as by the beach.  I think the warm weather wards off the bad energy that winter sometimes provides.  Case in point, I have never had stomach problems during the summer.  And whenever I'm over thinking a problem, if I go to the beach, then I feel completely renewed.

12.  Life will set you up with many obstacles, including many different medical problems.  As long as you try to keep your head up, and surround yourself with a good support system, then you will be able to overcome anything.  Also, even if you think you can't give blood, it's possible.  It's also possible for the girl who used to cry during any sort of shot can look at blood being taken and also give herself her own shots.

13.  It's also possible that as you grow up, you also become more emotional.  It's also possible that those emotions come out more often when you don't feel well.  Also possible to want to cry at the drop of the hat whenever someone is nice to you.  It's fine to be emotional.  Embrace it.

14. Singing on the top of your lungs to your favorite song is acceptable.  While dancing around your room, and having the music blaring.  This dancing/singing combination will let your worries slide away from you.  Dare you to try it.

15. Never be afraid to tell people how much you care about them.  Give them hugs.  High fives when they achieve something good.  Smile at strangers who did something nice to you. Say I love you.  People want to be cared about.  And smiles and hugs can change the world.

These life lessons may be general ideas to some people, or not very profound, but the fact remains they are a few of the things I truly believe in.  I always knew I was lucky to have such amazing people in my life, but you really know how many people are in your corner when some obstacles come your way.  I want to thank everyone who reads this, who has believed in me, who has given me a hug or words of encouragement, not only in the past 2 years but especially the past 26 years of my life. It means more to me then I think you will ever understand to have you all in my corner.

Happy birthday to me! Here's to many more to come.

Reasons to Love December.

It's beginning to look a lot like the holiday season. Here are a few things I love about December:

Untouched snow

Nights decorated by Christmas lights

Holiday parties with people you love

Giving gifts

Christmas music by Mariah, Britney and NSYNC.  Sorry those are some of my favorites

The food

Candy Cane Hershey Kisses

Capturing memories with pictures

Dressing up

The smell of a fire that lingers in the air (And I'm talking about a fireplace fire...)

Letter writing

Whatever makes you love December and this holiday season, I hope you are able to enjoy it with the people you love.  Maybe you will give a few of my suggestions a try.  Just embrace December but most importantly, be with the people who matter.

I hope everyone had an enjoyable holiday filled with smiles, laughter, friends, family, things we are thankful for and of course, tons of food.

As this holiday season approaches, I can't help remember that two years ago, everything was beginning.  The end of my old old "normal and the transition of a new "normal" that I never thought I would get used to. 

However, I slowly am getting used to it....

I have started my taper for the steroids on Black Friday.  I did not want another miserable holiday and decided like Black Friday was a good a day as any to start decreasing some of my medication. After speaking with Dr. I, we determined we would try a faster taper then I'm used to, but it all depends on how my body becomes reacts to it.  For now though, that means I'm going down 10 mg every Friday until I'm done.  Which may mean I have the best Christmas present EVER.

Last week, I had to inject myself with two more of the Humira pens.  And I was so proud of myself for not needing someone to hold my hand while I did the whole thing by myself in my room.  Dad told me that if I ever think I can't fight, I need to remember that moment when I ran out to get high fives from Chris and Dad for doing the injections by myself.  Dad could tell I was so proud of myself, and knew I would eventually need to remember that I'm stronger then I think.  It's nice to have my family in my corner.

One more doctor's visit before the holidays and a few more blood tests I'm sure.  It's funny though.  In my new normal, I'm no longer terrified of needles or blood work.  Instead I'm the girl asking questions on why they take two tubes of blood.  And in my new normal?  I kick ass in giving myself injections.

Things I'm Thankful For

Part of what I love about the holidays is the time spent with my family.  Thanksgiving is always a great time to reflect on things that you are most thankful for, with most people sharing with those they love all the things they are thankful for.  

I had planned on sharing pictures here every day this week to show some of the people I am thankful for most in my life.  With all the ups and downs this life has given me these past few years, I am incredibly thankful for all the wonderful people in my life.  I have the biggest cheerleaders on my side whenever I start to feel down.  With all my health problems, I have realize that I am extremely lucky to have people willing to help me and my family whenever we are down.  

I am thankful that I was able to enjoy the holiday with my family and eat some delicious foods.  I am thankful that my flare up has gone away and that Natasha and Boris have not been bothering me too much.  I am thankful for my wonderful family and friends, and every single person who has helped me and my family in the past.  I'm thankful for my job, even if I want to rip my hair out sometimes when I'm there.  And I'm thankful for the roof over my head and all the wonderful things my parents have provided me throughout my life.

Olympic Fun with my Sisters <3

Sorry for the fomatting, I'm terrible with computers sometimes.

But here are a few pictures of some of my favorite people, that I am so thankful to have in my life.

La Familia

The Second Family at the Beach

Tenzina and Holly. Two of the girls who make me sane at work

Smiles & Laughs Always

Madison <3

Mandy <3

Brother and Sisters

The Replacement Jen

Nana with the Connecticut Grandkids

Since the beginning.

Some of my favorites.  Really just love this picture

My Girlfriends.

This is a difficult week for some of the closest people in my life and my heart aches that they have to go through any pain in their life. I have been blessed with a beautiful family.  But I'm also extremely lucky to have another family, a family that may not be related by blood, but has become my family.  They are some of the strongest people I know, and I'm proud of everything they do.  This second family of mine changes my life whenever we all get together, and I wouldn't have it any other way.  I have watched my younger sisters and brothers grow into beautifully strong young adults and I couldn't be more proud.  And I know that there are people up in heaven who are smiling at us all, so proud of every accomplishment we have made, helping to wipe every tear we shed, and taking our side when the journey becomes a little too difficult.

While this may not be the most uplifting post to begin a Monday morning, I leave you with words from the Beatles.  Whisper words of wisdom, let it be....

I Love My Team, Man I Love My Team

Surprise! Reporting, once again, live from Yale New Haven, this is Jennifer.....

Sorry, I need a little humor to entertain me and put my mind's at ease on how this is all beginning once again.

I'm sure this is not a surprise to many people who read this blog, I have been admitted to Yale once again.  Yesterday, I waited patiently like a organ donor for a bed to open up in the regular hospital and got admitted like a normal person this go around. Goooo meee!

Upon arrival, my limp became more distinguished thanks to the pain in my calf.  You have to understand, I was under the full impression that this was simply a flare up and that my leg was from dehydration on top of lack of whatever vitamin I was lacking.  When the doctor found out about my history with blood clots, they ddecided to send me for an ultra sound.  Well, I am so freaking lucky that they did because turns out I have ANOTHER blood clot.  Yayyyy me!  Sorry, once again I sometimes use humor in inappropriate places. 

Turns out there is a link between my colitis and my blood clots.  When I have these flare ups, I am more likely to have a blood clot on top of it.  This go around, the blood clot doesn't hurt as much as the first one did.  The first one was awful, but this one is truly doable.  At the moment, I have it propped with pillows and waiting for the family to come back to visit.  

What does this mean for me now you may be asking?  

Well, for starters it means I am here until at least tomorrow.  Today, I got shot up with the equalivant of liquid prednisone and it's reacting ten times better then the pills I received last week.  The doctor said that due to the flare up, I was not able to absorbs the proper dosage, and with the IV, I know that it will get straight to making me better.  This also means I get to try the whole eating thing, and when Dr. I came in today to see how I was, he was extremely happy to seem me chowing down on a sandwich (even if it's just from the cafe....).

This also means I have to go back on the blood thinning medication, with the possibility of being on it for the rest of my life.  While I don't think that sounds like the most amazing thing, if it means I'm not going to have blood clots anymore then I'm down for whatever.  The shots are just as awful as I remember and I wish beyond anything else that I don't have to take them, but it's the life that I lead.

Hopefully next week I'll return back to work with some necessary steps to accomodate me.  Yes, I know I'm wishful thinking, but the fact of the matter is I'm bored out of my mind just sitting in a bed doing absolutely nothing all day.  I am my mother's daughter after all.  As for now, I'm looking forward to dinner and some quality time with my family.  They really have been the most amazing people throughout this whole thing.

I also want to thank EVERYONE for everything they have done for my family and I the past few days.  Messages on Facebook, texts, calls, visits, prayers, well wishes and everything.  I have cried many happy tears the past twenty four hours for being so very very thankful with the outpouring of love I have experienced from everyone.  I'm a lucky woman.  And to have such an amazing support system backing me and telling me how strong I am makes me so proud to have my team.

Where Were You When the World Stopped Turning....

Yesterday was an important day in America's history, but also for some of my dearest people in my life. September 11th 2001 changed the world that we live in completely.  It showed Americans that even in during one of the biggest tragedies that ever happened to our country, we can come together as a group of people, and help each other mourn and grow and stand tall and heal with one another.

Thousands of lives were lost on that day, caused by an act of hate.  Millions of people were affected, from those who lost family or friends in those towers, or on those planes.  To the men and women who went to defend our nation during a time of crisis in our military.  To those military families who have supported our troops every day that they are away.

There is a man from Milford who had the biggest smile in the world.  His name is Michael and he is cherished by some of the people that I love the most in my life.  Michael worked in one of the towers on that fateful day and it's my understanding that our world lost such a bright star.

Yesterday, when I was at the memorial service in West Haven, I couldn't help but think of my friends who lost Michael 11 years ago.  Michael is a man whose legacy lives on every time a story is told by Kate or Emily or Brad.  Every time we see a lady bug outside.  I got emotional yesterday listening to the speeches and remembering how my friends hurt every day because they miss Michael so much.

And I grew extremely proud of my country.  For a country that pulled together in the darkest time and built itself back up.  For a country that showed that we were stronger then even we expected.  I cried watching that flag go up, and hearing songs for America. Because we are America. Home of the brave.

Recently, Christopher has not stopped asking me questions about the whole colitis thing.  You see, he has a new friend who has Crohn's and doesn't seem to know anyone who has the same thing.  I guess I never realized how lucky I am to have friends who know what I am feeling when I go through a flare up.

But it's really nice to have Chris ask me questions about my health.  Even if it's what medications are you on a Sunday at 10 oclock at night.  When I didn't know what was going on with me, I was so upset with Chris for the fact that he never seemed interested in my well being.  I knew he cared, because he always offered being a phone call away.  But he always went off with his friends on adventures while I was stuck on my bed, depressed.  Asking all the questions he has been asking, and seeing his fascination with knowing the answers through his new friends eyes is pretty amazing.

His interest in my condition makes me want to meet this new friend but more then that, I want to sit down and have an open discussion with my wonderful brother.  Honestly, even a question about stupid medications couldn't wipe the smile off my face.