Miss You

The past three weeks, I have been putting one foot in front of another in kind of a fog.  I can not imagine life without you at every turn with some sort of helpful hint or just a twinkle in your eye.  To give me a hug when I had a hard day at work, or when I'm not feeling okay, and telling me that everything will be okay.

The past three weeks have been miserable without you.

Yesterday, I went to visit with Dad and I just sat there and cried.  I'm sure I looked like a lunatic, but I'm okay with that.  I realized a little too late on my journey to the cemetary that I didn't bring any tissues.  I was a plain mess on the walk back home.  It was good to have a conversation with him though.  I miss talking to my dad the most; those were some of my favorite conversations.

Today was my first day back at work, but I'm going to slowly work my way back into the whole interacting with customers thing.  To be completely honest, sometimes it felt as if it was any normal day after a holiday, with nothing out of the ordinary.  But then other times, I wanted to sit in the corner and just cry because I missed him so much.  Then a regular customer, whom I didn't realize knew about Dad, said he was sorry to hear about my father.  It felt as if someone kicked me in the stomach and my whole breath was taking away from me.  I think it's going to be that way for a while, when someone mentions his name and I can't believe I won't actually see you again.   That these people who say they are sorry to hear about this great man that they didn't ever have the pleasure of knowing baffles me.

I'm still wishing for a nightmare.  I would give anything to go back to that afternoon and change everything.  To hug him when I got out of work.  To tell him that I love him and how lucky I am to be his daughter.  And to just hold him tighter, because I truly miss my best friend.

 

Last week, my dad and I would spend the day visiting Mom in the hospital.  The day would go like this.  Dad and I would get to the hospital while Christopher went to work.  We would spend some time with Mom before she ended up having food/fall asleep/have physical therapy.  Dad and I would take this time to go to the cafe to get lunch for ourselves.  Last Friday, we got to have Sugar cupcake from the cupcake truck.  I was such a happy little camper that day.

After lunch, we would head back to Mom and sit around talking or watching TV.  Sometimes she fell asleep, and often wake from her cat naps apologizing for falling asleep and "boring" us.  I played Candy Crush for a good amount of the visits, even getting Dad to try his hand at the game.  Eventually, Dad and I would leave the hospital with promises to come back.

We would go home where I would nap and wait for us to have some dinner.  After dinner, Chris, Dad and I would head back to the hospital to spend some more time with Mom.  We would hear what happened throughout the day while we were gone, and she would often catch Chris up on what he missed out on. We would giggle sometimes about stories being told multiple times, but we would spend quality family time.

This week Mom has been home.  She is walking with a cane now and when I saw her go outside today, it almost brought tears to my eyes.  I am beyond proud of how far she has come in just one week, and can only imagine the accomplishments she will be achieving every day from now on.

We sit in the family room cause Mom can't go up and down the stairs quite yet and we watch the sun go down every night.  Or at least I do.  And we chat about the day and enjoy the wonderful dinner that my dad makes for us every night.  

I've grown to love family time.  Does it make me a nerd for being completely okay with spending time with my family,cracking jokes and often giggling to a point I can't breathe?

I didn't think so either.

Smile Like You Mean It.

Today I'm rather terrified.

I have a doctor's appointment in about forty minutes to learn how to inject myself with my new medications.  I'm 25 years old, am perfectly okay with other people poking me with needles, but the thought of doing it myself?  Makes me want to cry.

So I've been trying to put on a brave face, and not really think about the fact that I have to inject myself with this wonderful little pen needle for the long run.  From what I have read on-line, it hurts like a bitch if you do it in your thigh.  Research on message boards scares and reassures me at the same time because people aren't going to lie about different medications when it comes to colitis talk.

I'm just hoping that this new medication will work. And not be painful.  Because I'm a big baby and just can't deal with being in pain anymore.  

Living Just to Find Emotion....

If there is one thing I want to do, it is make an impact on someone's life.  When people tell me they always see me with a smile on my face, or that I always look happy, that means a lot to me.   It makes me realize that we can project an image to those around us, and if a smile on my face can make someone's day, then that is amazing.

But I want to make a change.  When I was younger, I had the idea of making a change with wanting to be a teacher.  And I'm not saying I'm giving up on that dream, but I am thinking that my dream, at least for now, has changed.  I want to help people who aren't as lucky as I am to have amazing friends or family.  I want to help my friends who have done so much for me.  And I want to help good causes.

I don't know how to start this great change that I have in my mind.  Sometimes I don't think it's possible, but then I'm reminded that my smile sometimes makes people's days.  Go figure right?

At a quarter of a century old, I think it's about time for me to actually start doing things.  Just take that leap of faith and soar.  Yes, this may be a complete cliche, HOWEVER, if I ever want to be successful in jumping Signal Rock, I gotta be open to jumping in all aspects of my life.  Because life is not going to sit around and wait for me.  There have been a handful of times I have taken the plunge and been brave.  And all those times have been pretty successful.  

So I'm thinking it's about that time again.....to be brave for myself.  To start making a change in my own little world.  To smile a bit more because you never know who just needs that smile to make their day a little bit better.