Here We Go Again....

For those who read this on a regular, I have not been opening up recently about my current events.  

Last Wednesday after work I head to Goose Lane, my home away from home.  Now when I say this, I do not want you all to think I truly enjoy going to the hospital.  In fact, I hate it. But I have been dealing with this stupid stomach thing for a week, and when I got home on Wednesday night and called the on call service, they basically told me I should go to the hospital.  So we ended up going, I got pumped up with IV fluids, some Cipro and other drugs, and ended up heading home at 3 in the morning.  I was punch drunk basically at that point and all I wanted to do is go home.

Mind you, the nurse who was checking me in sort of remember me once I started to tell her what I was in for.  She looked at me and goes, "Wait you were here a few months ago....".  Woof.  I don't enjoy being remembered in the emergency room (even if it's not a busy emergency room.....)

Anyway, I ended up trying to go on with life like normal by going into work with my head down and do my work.  I was successful, and looked forward to having three days off so I can sleep off this awful stomach problem and hopefully have the medication kick in.

Sadly, I was mistaken.  

Since Thursday evening, I haven't had a full nights sleep.  I have been up basically every hour or two, and last night couldn't even sleep at all.  My stomach didn't get any better what so ever and I missed out on some fun times with my friends.  Instead of calling the on call service again this weekend, I waited until Monday to call my doctor to see what he would recommend.  I'm not happy.  I'm in my bed or on the couch most of the day and can't even fall asleep when that's all I need.

So yesterday my doctor recommended me going to the hospital either last night or today.  I do not want to go at all and when I told him I wasn't up as much last night, he asked if I started to feel better.  If I answered yes, I don't need to go today, then my parents would have KILLED me.  Now I'm just waiting to hear from Yale until a bed is free and my sick ass can get in there to start getting pumped with medications again so I can start enjoying food again.

No Excuses, Play Like a Champ

I have spend most of this gorgeous weekend sleeping in my room.  Fact.

It's not like I want to, but when you don't feel well, all you wanna do is sleep.  Right now, my body feels like it's gotten hit by a truck and takes serious effort to stand and/or hold things.  I hate being this weak, because I like standing on my own but jeez....I'm weak at this time.

I have had a few friends and my parents tell me I am strong.  One told me I had to play like a champ.  With people like that who believe in you?  How can you want to cry all the time because you are not doing okay.  I'm trying to figure that out.  Part of me thinks the tears after hearing these things are because I'm afraid I am going to disappoint them when I am not that strong.  But then I think they have stuck by my side through all of this so I'm assuming they will still be there.

Greg told me today how I looked like shit when I first walked into Nana's.  I really wish it was a hang over like he said.

Boost seems to be sitting with me okay at the moment.  I haven't been eating so I decided that it was a good idea to have some sort of supplement (ohhh heyyy body builder) and it's working at the moment. Knock on wood.

Work this week is going to be a challenge but I am going to persevere.  It's what I have been doing for the past year and a half.  Fighting and winning the battles.

My leg has been hurting.

There is the truth.  Laid out on this blog.

I don't know if I'm gonna have to deal with this for my whole life which if I do will suck completely.  I have been working 6 days a week for the past few weeks and my leg has been having twinges in it.  At the end of the day it's as hard as a rock, and not in a good in shape way.

This brings my greatest fear to light.  That this blood clot will never really leave me.  That they still don't know why it came about so who is to say it's not going to knock me on my ass again sometime soon.  That I am never going to not have some sort of pain or discomfort if I'm on my legs for long periods of time. 

I'm afraid I'm never going to be fixed.  Actually, I know I'm never going to be.  I take 3 different medications and 3 different vitamins throughout the day every day.  That will eventually be brought down to 2 different meds, but still.  If I screw up with the medication I will be having a flare up.  Last time that happened I ended up in the hospital.

Who is to say that anyone will want to deal with this?  I know I don't.  It's almost a year and I'm already sick of the whole stomach thing, and the doctor's appointments and the blood work.  I was thinking about it last night, and it truly sucks to know that I'm gonna have to go to Dr. I probably every 4-6 months.  I don't know if that will change but at the moment it looks like that is my life.

I don't know why I have been so preoccupied with my whole endeavor recently.  Actually, I do.  I have too much time on my hands to think about it.  This summer was one of the best times I had had in years.  And when I try to share that with people, they don't understand how they could have made me so happy.  They still do, but seriously the best part about this summer was I forgot I had been sick, or that I will have to deal with this for the rest of my life.  I have always believed that summer is a special time, but this year sure proved me correct.  I'm just waiting for the train to get back on track, because I know it will.  I can not help but believe it.