There are times that I almost hear my dad telling me to smile a little more. To laugh at something or to make some sort of joke that everyone in the room is avoiding.
With the holiday season rearing it's head from hiding earlier then ever this year, I can't help remember where I was a year ago. I wasn't in a great place because I didn't understand why I had to go to the hospital again and be on all sorts of medications again.
Plain and simple? I was tired of it all.
So I came up with a mission to write letters and leave them in the hospital. For those people who had to spend time in the hospital for whatever reason. For the hospital staff who has to work long hours and are sometimes the only source of entertainment for patients.
Did I ever proceed with this mission of mine? No.
I called to find out how one can make this happen and they basically told me it's not possible. And that one door slamming in my face brought my whole resolve to a screeching halt. Instead, I turned to my friends, and sent them letters and cards for the holidays.
This year? I want to send my love letters to people who have experienced some sort of pain in their life so they can smile for a small minute. I want to send letters to those people who I care for to let them know I love them. And spread a little love and smiles during this holiday season.
Because that's what the holidays are all about right? Sharing love with those around you.
Springtime. A time for new beginnings. When all the flowers and birds and butterflies come out of hiding. And the sunshine warms the coldness we felt throughout the winter. Especially this winter.
What perfect way to enjoy an April 1st then having such a great spring day. Yes, I was inside at work all day, but I still was able to feel the wonderful spring time before the rain came pouring down to water those May flowers.
I am so looking forward to the possibilities of a new season changing. Winter was a trying time for our family and myself. Health problems and all. But like I said, I often feel the best during the summertime. I am going into this month, this season, the rest of this year, with such a positive attitude and nothing but great energy. Because we all deserve a bit of luck every once in a while and I think it's about time for my family to get some luck.
I hope everyone had an enjoyable holiday filled with smiles, laughter, friends, family, things we are thankful for and of course, tons of food.
As this holiday season approaches, I can't help remember that two years ago, everything was beginning. The end of my old old "normal and the transition of a new "normal" that I never thought I would get used to.
However, I slowly am getting used to it....
I have started my taper for the steroids on Black Friday. I did not want another miserable holiday and decided like Black Friday was a good a day as any to start decreasing some of my medication. After speaking with Dr. I, we determined we would try a faster taper then I'm used to, but it all depends on how my body becomes reacts to it. For now though, that means I'm going down 10 mg every Friday until I'm done. Which may mean I have the best Christmas present EVER.
Last week, I had to inject myself with two more of the Humira pens. And I was so proud of myself for not needing someone to hold my hand while I did the whole thing by myself in my room. Dad told me that if I ever think I can't fight, I need to remember that moment when I ran out to get high fives from Chris and Dad for doing the injections by myself. Dad could tell I was so proud of myself, and knew I would eventually need to remember that I'm stronger then I think. It's nice to have my family in my corner.
One more doctor's visit before the holidays and a few more blood tests I'm sure. It's funny though. In my new normal, I'm no longer terrified of needles or blood work. Instead I'm the girl asking questions on why they take two tubes of blood. And in my new normal? I kick ass in giving myself injections.
I'm a lucky girl. Yes, I know this statement may seem very weird coming from a girl who just returned from the hospital with the news that she has two blood clots in her leg. But I'm lucky because I have amazing friends, family, coworkers, and even acquaintances who really just want me to get better. This whole network of people who have reached out to myself, my parents, or even my brother to send well wishes and words of encouragement. It's mind blowing.
I have always tried to be truthful in this blog and I'm going to try my best in this post. When I went to the hospital the other day, I was so fed up with my stomach. I cried to my dad that Monday night asking why does this particular stupid stomach problem have to happen to a girl who loves food. And I mean LOVE food. How many girls do you know who has a food bucket list? Not many. But I cried because my stomach hurt. I cried because I have to put my parents through this. I cried because I keep having to answer the "are you okay" question that is necessary for those who are concerned but gets tiring for those who are the ones being asked. And I cried for the fact that I will never be one hundred percent healthy again for the rest of my life. This colitsis this affects so many people, and I just need to buck up and deal with it.
So going to the hospital to get this whole thing squared away......I was pumped. Never in my life did I think that I would have to go through that whole winter fiasco again. But here I am, with my leg up and the size of my thigh (okay, that may be a little understatement, but it is pretty swollen).
This time though, the whole thing feels different.
I'm stronger then I was that December/January; I mean I'm still walking, even if it's a little painful, I'm still walking. I would like to think I have a little swag in my step now. If someone knows of a cane that we can pimp out, then you know where to find me. Plus, I don't plan on just sitting around and letting the world go on around me. I plan on living life no matter what, and not hide in a shell. Unlike last time, I'm trying not to feel sorry for myself and just think "It happened again; now let's deal with it."
I'm not going to lie to you all. I am not happy this has happened to me and this time around we are demanding answers. I'm going to find out why I keep getting blood clots because two at the age of 25 is a little much don't you think? And the pain in the leg sucks, along with having to get those stupid shots in my stomach. Sorry Dad that you have to do those again by the by. But I'm going to keep my head up high and the smile on my face bright because there is no way in HELL I'm letting this thing beat me again.
I did it once, and I will do it again. With the biggest support system in MY corner, cheering me on every single step I take and every meal I'm able to eat without being in pain.
Surprise! Reporting, once again, live from Yale New Haven, this is Jennifer.....
Sorry, I need a little humor to entertain me and put my mind's at ease on how this is all beginning once again.
I'm sure this is not a surprise to many people who read this blog, I have been admitted to Yale once again. Yesterday, I waited patiently like a organ donor for a bed to open up in the regular hospital and got admitted like a normal person this go around. Goooo meee!
Upon arrival, my limp became more distinguished thanks to the pain in my calf. You have to understand, I was under the full impression that this was simply a flare up and that my leg was from dehydration on top of lack of whatever vitamin I was lacking. When the doctor found out about my history with blood clots, they ddecided to send me for an ultra sound. Well, I am so freaking lucky that they did because turns out I have ANOTHER blood clot. Yayyyy me! Sorry, once again I sometimes use humor in inappropriate places.
Turns out there is a link between my colitis and my blood clots. When I have these flare ups, I am more likely to have a blood clot on top of it. This go around, the blood clot doesn't hurt as much as the first one did. The first one was awful, but this one is truly doable. At the moment, I have it propped with pillows and waiting for the family to come back to visit.
What does this mean for me now you may be asking?
Well, for starters it means I am here until at least tomorrow. Today, I got shot up with the equalivant of liquid prednisone and it's reacting ten times better then the pills I received last week. The doctor said that due to the flare up, I was not able to absorbs the proper dosage, and with the IV, I know that it will get straight to making me better. This also means I get to try the whole eating thing, and when Dr. I came in today to see how I was, he was extremely happy to seem me chowing down on a sandwich (even if it's just from the cafe....).
This also means I have to go back on the blood thinning medication, with the possibility of being on it for the rest of my life. While I don't think that sounds like the most amazing thing, if it means I'm not going to have blood clots anymore then I'm down for whatever. The shots are just as awful as I remember and I wish beyond anything else that I don't have to take them, but it's the life that I lead.
Hopefully next week I'll return back to work with some necessary steps to accomodate me. Yes, I know I'm wishful thinking, but the fact of the matter is I'm bored out of my mind just sitting in a bed doing absolutely nothing all day. I am my mother's daughter after all. As for now, I'm looking forward to dinner and some quality time with my family. They really have been the most amazing people throughout this whole thing.
I also want to thank EVERYONE for everything they have done for my family and I the past few days. Messages on Facebook, texts, calls, visits, prayers, well wishes and everything. I have cried many happy tears the past twenty four hours for being so very very thankful with the outpouring of love I have experienced from everyone. I'm a lucky woman. And to have such an amazing support system backing me and telling me how strong I am makes me so proud to have my team.
I love this quote.
I love Winnie the Pooh.
And I love that this can give all the people I care about faith that they are amazing and will do great things in this world.
Love is said to make the world go round. And recently, at least in my world, love letters have become the cool thing to make. Or maybe, it's just that love letters have been flooding my Facebook feed because one girl from town is changing the world by writing love letters to strangers.
I haven't written to a stranger, but I have written them to some people in my life. Back in high school, I would write notes to my friends gossiping. Last summer at work, Tom, Holly and Tara all got various love letters from me. I still receive love letters from Holly, even if they say how much she hates me after a busy day. When you get that note in your hands and read what your friend wished to share with you at that moment, there is nothing better. Letters can be so personal even if they are a simple, "You make my life better by being in it," type of message.
Anyway, I wrote my share of letters to people because I know that they always make me smile when I get them and I want to make the people I love smile. I think I'm going to start sending them to my friends. I've become inspired by Hannah, the girl from my town who is going to change the world one letter at a time.
From what I understand, Hannah started out writing letters the exact reason why I like to write them. To make others feel special. But her people were strangers in the city and they were left throughout the city for complete strangers to find and feel seen for the time it takes to read a letter about how special they are. Can you imagine how your whole week can be made by a letter from a stranger? I wish I could find one of those special things. From there, Hannah made a blog and began what started a movement.....and I have to say, she has inspired me to write more love letters to my friends. Because sometimes it's nice to have that physical evidence that someone loves you enough to write to you in a world that is obsessed with technology.
Friends, or whom ever still reads this wonderful little blog that could, be on the look out for a letter. Yes, I will need addresses from my friends who are far away. But to those who are close by, be on the look out for letters to be popping up in purses, or houses or cars. Because I feel like it's important to make the people who have carried me the past few years to realize how much I really do love them.
And if you want to peep Hannah's blog click here: Her Blog
And an inspiring video that flooded my Facebook a few weeks ago: More Love Letters
Let's get back to the basics. Love letters. They have never been more important if you ask me...
This weekend has inspired me guys, and the world better look out.
I went with the girls from work to Relay for Life up at Rentschler Field in honor of Macy's mom. It was my first Relay and I was excited to support a coworker who unfairly lost her mother to cancer at an early age. Macy isn't even 21 yet; she shouldn't have had to go through that. I had heard from Mary Lou how beautiful Macy's mom was and how much Macy looked like her. The picture at the camp ground just proved both of those statements to be absolute fact.
Macy was happy to have us there to support her. I don't know if she really expected us to show up but we did, and we did several laps while we were there. And it was humbling to say the least. To see all these people at Relay walking to find a cure, it was heart warming. Yes, many of these people lost loved ones to cancer, but there they were in their memories. And the survivors? They were the most amazing part of the whole day.
As I was completely each lap, I couldn't help look at all the lumanaries and get choked up by all the people who were lost because of this horrible disease. But how much we are making strives to fight cancer. I don't know why I didn't really think of Papa, but I was reminded of Christian a lot. I wish he was there and still able to conquer the world like he had been. But for every "Miss you Mom or Dad" I saw, I wanted to do something to make a difference. For my loved ones. For Macy who wrote she had amazing friends. But especially for all my loved ones who have been effected by this awful disease.
I've decided to look into helping a friend organize Relay closer to home. Ricky has been working with Relay since high school and when I was telling everyone I wanted to do something more with it at the beach, they said he needed help with it this year. And I really want to do something. I like the idea of someone's legacy continuing on with this wonderful cause of Relay for Life.
Hey world, I'm coming for you!
Dear May--
2012 has been a rough year for me and I'm willing to make a little deal with you. I promise to stay as positive as I can, as long as you promise to give me a little good vibes and good luck my way. I have been through everything, even breaking my resolution of not going to the hospital! And last year, I ended up spending a week in the hospital, and while I am not planning on doing that ever again, I do want good vibes all to myself. Everyone around me seems to be living easy; it's my turn now. So starting today, May 1st, 2012 is going to start rocking. Fun pictures, times with friends, good things happening at work. I'm taking the bull by the damn horns and starting to rock 2012. Everyone better watch out, and jump on the positive life, Jen is gonna rock this train, because it's going to be a fun time.
Sincerely,
Me
