I Miss You.

My world stopped on Monday, May 13 2013 around 4:30.

I wish I could explain how empty I feel.  I wish I could explain the pain it is to lose not only your best friend, but your father as well.  My heart was ripped out of my body last week and sometimes, I don't think it will ever be replaced.

I really wish this was all a bad dream.  That tomorrow I could wake up and Dad would be sitting in the living room reading the paper and telling me that there was no Powerball winner and how he changed his spreadsheet for his winnings.  I wish I would get text messages from him in the middle of the night to tell me what channel his favorite movie, Friends With Benefits was on.

I wish I could tell him that I loved him more.  I wish he was making dinner when I was coming home from work and tell me all the different things he did in the garden.  I wish I could see him interact with Mom and saying how much she "hates him" with the sparkle in his eye because he knows for a fact that it is far from the truth.

I wish he was here to hug me when I'm feeling sad about silly people who have hurt my heart or when I have a bad day at work.  I wish he was here to encourage me everyday that I can do better at life, and to encourage me that I should go after my dreams.

I'm so lost without my father and it's only been two weeks.  I cry at the most random times, and just wish he was here all the time.  Tonight, I almost text messaged him to tell him something, I can't remember what exactly, but I had to physically stop myself because I know he won't be able to read it.  Sometimes I think about all the things that he's going to miss in my life.  If I ever get married, or have kids.  Or when I find that job that I absolutely love.  And my heart breaks even more knowing he won't be there to smile at me, or crack jokes.

My whole world stopped that Monday and part of me isn't sure if it ever will really start over again.