Miss You....

It's been fifteen years since you have gone and I miss you like it was yesterday.

My world was rocked that March day.  I have told this to a handful of people, but I had a feeling I needed to be with you the night before.  I insisted on spending the day off at your house, but you had school.  Maybe I knew you needed someone there, maybe I just had that feeling.  I really do regret not being able to say goodbye.  Not spending that last day with you but for my own sanity, it's probably a good thing I was not there because I would have been devastated.  


You were one of the most amazing people I knew.  Candy was always in the cabinet above the sink.  Chips and other snack foods in the unused stove.  While I always smelled like cigarette smoke when I left, I was never happier then spending the day with you.


Sick days were my absolute favorite.....I got to snack on junk food and sneakily watch soap operas while I was supposed to nap.  I'm sure Mom would not have been happy about that remedy, but it made me happy.


Grandma, I miss you every day.  I got this tattoo with you in mind.  I thought about you all day today and even told Theresa how amazing you were.  I hope you I make you proud Grandma, I hope you watch over me every day and hold me up when I truly do need you.


Anytime I see a butterfly, I know you and Papa are with me. <3

Check That One Off

It's a new me ladies and gentlemen, and that starts with checking stuff off of my bucket list.

And the first thing to be taken off of my bucket list?  Getting a tattoo.

Yes, I finally took the plunge and got the tattoo last night.  Thanks to my wonderful friends who scheduled the appointment and held my hand, I was able to get through it.  Go figure it wasn't as awful as I expected.  Also go figure I wasn't as anxious as I thought I would be.  I held Shannon's hand when it first started because I wasn't sure what to expect.  Then I held her hand when he first started coloring the thing in.

But honestly?  It's really pretty and it's HUGE that I actually went through with it.  I mean, I have wanted this for a while, and when we were sitting around Otools (I think?) I didn't think it would actually happen.  It was just an agreement during drinks right? Nope, the new me champed it and can not wait to get another one (Sorry dad......).

Now onto jumping off Signal over the summer, and taking on a whole bunch of restaurants for the food aspect of my bucket list.

P.S. pictures to come......the ones I have aren't anything amazing, also known as the one that was taken right after getting it done.

For those who are closest to me, my desire for a tattoo has been discussed many times, with no date set for a variety of reasons.  Blood thinners, lack of funds, lack of guts.

I've made a decision though.  While the holiday season tends to take a lot of money outta a person, I plan on putting some money aside.

And I've decided, with the help of someone actually making the date because I don't think I'm going to be that brave, the date.

What would be more perfect then the year anniversary I had to go to the hospital because of Henry?

So there it is.  December 27th if I don't have the tattoo on my hip, I'm going to be extremely upset with myself

Here Comes the Sun Do-do-do-dooo

 There is something I have been wanting to do for the past few years now and when I made the decision to actually do it, it all came down to the remembrance of my Papa.  What you shennigans do I want to partake in may you be asking? Simple answer is get a tattoo.  Another question you may be asking is how does that tie into my Papa and this very pier?  Well that's a simple little story that I really don't share with many but I have decided to share tonight.


My Papa was a very strong man who I watched become very sick and inevitably pass away.  He loved fishing in particular this spot and when he passed away the family decided we would have a little memorial service for him in the very spot that he spent most of his time just relaxing and fishing.  My Papa was a pretty bad ass dude, and he really loved spending that time by the beach.  Now, when we did this little memorial, their were tons of little fishies that were swimming by which to me was a sign from my Papa telling us he was okay even after all the pain he endured at the end.  Fishes would not be a good tattoo for me; I don't find them that cute.  Luckily at the same time the school of fish went by, a butterfly flew by us.  Butterflies aren't weird for spring/summer time.  One that comes half way down a pier with water on both sides? I have never seen it before in my life.


This particular moment is not when I had the epiphany of getting the tattoo.  But it's the one moment I turn back to when I describe why I'm getting a butterfly tattoo.

Butterflies have become a very important part of my life, whenever I see them, I say hi to my Papa.  Sometimes they come really close and become really still.  That's when I really know when it's him.  When there are two, I know Grandma is saying hello too.  Some may think I am absolutely bonkers, and I just may be but butterflies have become a huge symbol of love for me.  While some people may just wave it off when I tell them I want a tattoo of a butterfly, I know that my reasoning is bigger then just cause they are pretty.

This above picture is from my cell phone's camera.  I can't remember if this is the particular picture that my dad sent me because he knows how much butterflies mean to my mother and I or if I took it one day last summer when I was out front.  But it's an actual cell phone picture.  This is the particular picture I plan on showing the people when I go for my tattoo.  Only difference is I plan on making it blue, for the ocean which always reminds me of my Nana.  Nice right?

Well, I had been planning on getting this tattoo forever, and wanted to accomplish this bucket list item with my best friend when I went up to Boston to visit her.  Since work makes things near difficult, I decided I would go with Meggie and we even got them priced.  Sad part is I am huge chicken and refused to make an appointment for myself.  Shannon was going to make the appointment for me, I had made plans to get the tattoo for either my birthday or the beginning of March.  But then the whole blood clot thing happened, and I was put on blood thinners.  Which put a huge hamper in my plans.  I can't get the tattoo until I am healthy in regards to my blood clots.  But it will happen.  I guess with all this time I can now make final arrangements on where this thing is going because I have been toying around with that as well.

Butterflies are one of my favorite things.  Not for the conventional reasons, but one that has been very dear to my heart, and a story that I have not really told many people.  Of course now it's on this blog for whoever wants to know a little more about me to read about.  I'm starting to open up about other things I've decided and not just my health issues because those get depressing.  And while this may be a little sad, it's a good story, one that honestly brings me true joy whenever I see a butterfly.