Anything Can Happen....

Boy, oh, boy is 2013 welcoming me in with open arms.

I haven't been feeling well and while I try to grin it and bear it, it's starting to suck to always be sick.

I've been getting countless blood work done, and my INR does not budge at all.  I'm on a very high count for the Warfarin and nothing is changing week in and week out.  I try to keep smiling and keep a positive attitude with everything, but sometimes it's very tiring.

And I don't think most people around me understand how truly draining this whole thing is.

I have become a sort of recluse since the first of the year.  Other then a quick overnight trip to Boston, I have stayed home basically every weekend because I either become too tired early in the evening, or just don't have the energy to pretend.  Yes, I've had a boring social life, but I don't want to continue being the sick girl.  Instead, I just stay in my house, and read books and watch different T.V. shows.  Hello guilty pleasures.

Tomorrow I get to talk to my inside doctor and basically tell him that he could proceed with trying to get some more tests done to determine whats going on with me.  I was nervous about the whole new insurance thing, but now that I called Human Resources, I have a little more faith that I won't be without insurance at any point after turning 26.

But here's to a better few weeks where the stomach gets magically better.  Guess I gotta keep the positivity flowing somehow....

Cause it Led Me Straight to This

Have you ever wondered how you have gotten to certain places in your life?  Like how things can change one hundred percent because of some decision  you made?

Last night I was talking about this with someone, how if they had made different decisions and if things had worked out the way he was imagining, then life would be completely different now.  This idea is very similar to one of my favorite songs by Darius Rucker.  It's called This and I highly recommend listening to it.


Anyway, this year has, to put it lightly, sucked.  Or at least it was.  Six months into it, and it's finally changing.  I never imagined that I would go to sleep with a huge smile on my face every night, but that's what has been happening.  My dad said I deserve this, that I deserve to be happy.  And yet, I still feel the need to almost pinch myself every day because I don't think that this is real life.  I mean I understand that I deserve to be happy, but when things finally work out for me?  That I do not expect at all.


Okay, I'm just rambling and I'm sure this makes zero sense.  Basically I do not want to spell out exactly what's going on because I do not want to jinx it.  But the happiness that I have been talking about? Yup, it's still there and my smile is getting bigger and bigger.


Even though I have the big smile on my face, there is still some frustration on the medical front.  Dr. P still is not my favorite what so ever.  She once again stressed me out when I was told my INR levels and quite frankly, it sucks to worry about it even more now that the trip to Washington is quickly approaching.  Strangely enough, I'm more frustrated about not getting my blood work results back that will tell me what medicine I will be on for my colotis.  It's more annoying then anything; I have been home for about a month now from the hospital and still nothing.  I guess the bright side is the fact that I wasn't expected to even be on the medicine yet because I was not supposed to know what my stomach issues were.  Maybe I need to focus on that and know that, like I said before, all of this is happening for a reason.

One Moment Please.....Five Minutes Later

I love when doctor offices put you on hold forever, and then never click back over.

That's what happened this morning.  It really grinds my nerves when I call Dr. P to get my INR levels and ask about the stomach shots and not hear back from her.

"One moment please....."

She wonders why I don't like calling to check my levels and a good chunk of it is because I get the run around with that office.

On another note, I am currently eating part of my care package from Bill and Colleen.  Some very yummy mac and cheese.  And I finally took them all out of the box guys and I was PUMPED for the Cars shape.  Seriously, the shapes are my favorite.

Pictures From the Hospital

 Christopher said this was my E.T. finger.  The end of this glowed red from Monday to Wednesday and I believe it kept my pulse.  The number was posted on where they kept my heartbeat monitored.  I just like the idea of me being E.T. for a few days

This was my view for the second half of the hospital stay but it's also where I stayed the beginning of the week.  The place is beautiful with some very nice people in it.  But it's not such a bad sight to look at.  And if you note the garden at the bottom of the picture? My dad wants to make one of those at our house.  A reflecting garden if you will.

So these are the two pictures I took while I was at the hospital along with the picture of the Italian ice that I posted last week.  Today I tried to get my blood drawn but that was an unsuccessful trip.  First, I waited in the waiting room for what had to be an hour, watching a family TAKE PICTURES in the waiting room of each other.  When I finally went in, my girl Helen was finally back and she informed me that my veins were shot and she couldn't get any blood.  So that means resting the veins for a bit, putting heat on them, and retrying later this week.  Let me tell you, it hurt like a bitch today when she did try.  Silly veins let's get your act together please

Gotta Keep Your Head Up

One week ago, I was just getting checked into Yale hospital in New Haven after being at Goose Lane for hours.  Today? I had the pleasure of waking up in my own bed, without any pain or hurt that I had been experiencing last weekend.  Nice change huh?

It's funny, I have been waking up around 6ish every morning and I think the reason for that is because I'm used to getting woken up to do vitals slash blood work that my body is used to it now.  Not the best thing to get used to but, I'll take it as long as I can fall asleep again.  Which has not been happening but still, I'm home and don't need to get the blood drawing at the crack of dawn.

Today I do have the pleasure to get my blood drawn to check my INR levels.  The slight problem with that is I have not been getting the belly shots that I think jump starts my INR levels, so I know they are going to be all out of whack.  I'm also taking a very high level of steroids which I realized last night when I was trying to go to bed that is an additional factor to my INR level probably being low.  For some reason I'm not so worried about my INR levels because they told me last week that the blood clot was really gone and that I just had thickness on the walls of my veins.  

Today I get to go back to work and I could not be more excited.  Crazy, right?  I am pumped to go back to the busiest day of the week and I have no reservations about it.  I just want to go back to normal and spending a week in the hospital made me feel the farthest from normal I have in a long while.  But tonight I get to work with my friends.  So excited.

I'm going to post some of the pictures I took last week; one of my ET finger and the other of the building I was in/the view of the second room.  I know I have been saying this for a while, but I am actually doing it today before I go into work.  

Once again thanks for every kind thought and prayer everyone has sent this way.  Love you all

Reporting Live....

Right now I am in a new room.  With the view outside of the window being the old building I was just transferred from.  I realize that those sentences do not make sense but I could not find the irony of staring at the building I just was in for three days.

In this new room, I have a roommate who has a ton of visitors at the current time.  I have mom, dad and Chris crowded by the wall, I feel kind of bad about it.  Chris is sitting on the floor trying to get comfortable but he's so big that it's difficult for him to fit in this area.  I don't know how I will be able to do this whole roommate thing, but I'm hoping I will be out of here by tomorrow night.

Dr. I is going to do the procedure tomorrow at three which means I will be worrying until then.  Supposedly the drugs are the best things in the world, but it still makes me uneasy.  I guess I will finally have my answers though which is what I have to keep reminding myself.  I'm still on the clear liquid diet, but he discouraged me to have the watermelon Italian ice so it looks as if it will be chicken broth for me.

I'm also going to be getting an ultrasound sometime tonight to make sure the blood clot has not changed at all.  The plus about the ultrasound though is I know what to expect, the other procedure, not so much.

OH!! One of the best things since this morning is I am able to walk about, Dr. I actually encouraged it.  However, he told me the bad news that I will have to get the belly shots again to pick up my INR numbers which I do not look forward to at all.  But that's a small price to pay to get out to Washington this summer.  And most importantly be able to eat whatever I want.

Hey Hey Hey Goodbye

As many of you know from either my facebook or an email from my mom, HENRY IS DISAPPEARING!!!

The doctor told me yesterday that the blood clot has gotten much smaller and it's almost gone.  He wants me to continue with the Warfarin until after my trip to Washington in July.  Originally he said I could be done with it in June, but when I mentioned the trip he said stay on it till after I got home.  He said I didn't need to do blood work every week anymore but every two weeks.

And he also told me to just live my life.  At this point in the appointment I started to cry.  Huge surprise right?  He told me to let it out and stressed the fact that I needed to live my life and not worry about Henry anymore, that stressing is not going to help anything.

I did tell him how difficult it was to deal with Dr. P telling me every week that my INR levels continue to decline and that it was somehow my fault.  He proceeded to tell me that I do not need to worry about my INR levels, that they change throughout the day and that if it was between 1.5 and 2.5 then it was fine.

What's the most frustrating thing about the whole thing is getting two different stories from the different doctors.  But I'm going to trust the experts.  And that means I don't have to worry about Henry anymore, and I can even enjoy a glass of wine (his words not mine).

I cried once again outside and my dad told me I have to start to trust some doctors.  I think he understands why I don't because it's been different stories for four months, but after four months I finally am told good news.  That the freaking clot is almost gone!  And it's finally sinking in that four months to the day I have finally reached the point I never thought I was going to.

So July be expecting a fiesta of epic proportions to celebrate, if that's okay with the parentals.  But I need some celebrating the fact that Henry is GONEEE.  And sorry to say this Henry, but I won't really miss you.

Smiling But We're Close to Tears

The past few days have sucked.  To put it mildly.  I'm sorry I can't put it in better words but I am brutally honest and that's the hard truth.

Yesterday I found out that once again my INR levels are dropping.  I feel like it's the stock market, and nothing I do can stop these stupid INR levels to drop.  I'm at the highest level of my Warfarin ever and yet the stupid blood work is not giving me the results I need.

Dr. P wants me to see the Dr. C to determine when I can get off the Warfarin because I have "been on it for four months".  I informed her that I was going next Monday and she said that should be fine to wait.  I told her that my leg has become somewhat hard which it had not been and that it has been hurting. She told me waiting Monday should be okay.

I cried after getting off the phone with Dr. P.  I cried (almost) at Pop's.  I cried when I came home from work.  Basically I have been in the worst mood ever, that even shopping didn't turn, and have been a hot mess ever since Saturday.  Or at least that's when I have come to terms this whole funk has occurred. 


It's become very difficult to be positive when nothing is going right.  I am basically following everything they tell me to do and yet I get opposite results.  The weeks that I was at the INR therapeutic levels?  I had had a beer the night I would go out AND had a huge salad.  Now I'm not doing either and it just keeps crashing.  I'm just waiting for the whole thing to burn and for me to once again not be able to move because they can't figure this thing out.  That's the point I have gotten to now.  I'm expecting that I will never be fixed.


I was talking to the pharmacist at work last night about Warfarin.  She told me that people normally go on 5 mg and become therapeutic and it's rare for a person to go to 10.  To go over 10 mg is nearly unheard of.  Well guess who is over ten? This girl.  She laughed and said you would think I was a 300 pound man or something with the levels that I am already on.


Maybe I really do need to see and talk to someone because right now I don't want to be around people where I have to pretend that everything is wonderful but at the same time I want to be around people.  The time I almost forget about everything is when I'm at work and super busy that I don't have to think about it.  That and the fact that there are always so many people around that it just makes my mind go blank.  It's great.  But maybe I really do need someone to sort out everything up there.  I just don't know anymore.


Up next:  Monday I get the dreaded ultrasound.  Which will tell me if this thing has grown or not.  I almost feel like it has because it's becoming more obvious that it's there but who knows.

Let's Play A Little Game

Okay so we are going to play a game.  You have to choose one thing you don't think you can give up cold turkey.  I'll give you a few options.

a. Chocolate
b. Soda
c. Alcohol
d. Salad

If I know people like I think I do, most people would never answer d.  However, that is my answer.  I have basically given up b and c....only having one of each on special occasions.  I'm not a true fan of chocolate; I have to be in the mood for pure chocolate.  It's been hard to avoid the Thin Mints but we don't have as many boxes anymore and I'm trying to avoid them.  And the rest of candy bars? I've been good.

Salad? Salad is the reason I cried last night; it's the reason that when I get home from work at night I get upset that I can't make a quick salad to eat because it's better then eating all the pasta we have in the fridge.  I mean I have to be healthy, and I'm depriving myself of essential nutrients because I'm not having good balanced meals due to my work schedule.  So I eat salads to have my vegetables.


Ever since Dr. P told me that my INR levels continue to plummet with no idea why they are doing that, I have been trying my very best to not eat salads, and to continue to be semi good with not eating chocolate.  This salad deprivation is what caused another breakdown last night, and what brought me close to tears when I looked in the fridge tonight upon my arrival back home.  You see we have a whole new head of lettuce, and all I want is some of it, but I can't.  It really is such a tease, and I don't know how much longer I can avoid it.  


Truth is we are on month four of this bullshit with no resolution in sight.  I have a flight to Washington booked for July, I need some sort of change.  The doctors have no reasoning as to why my INR level is not therapeutic like it's supposed to be.  They seem to be stumped and I think part of the reason I have been so emotional recently is because there are no answers.  I take pills eight times a day, which basically means I'm taking pills every two hours, or what feels like ALL DAY.  Not only that but the blood clot had not gotten any smaller since the last ultra sound and I won't know how it looks again till the day after Easter.

I was told at the beginning of this thing that I did not have to change my diet.  It's funny we were more concerned about keeping my weight level because of my insides.  After I have seemingly gotten that situated for the time being, now I have to worry about what I'm eating because my doctors can't figure out why my INR is not staying where it should be.  It honestly boggles my mind.  Okay maybe not, I understand they are trying to get it to a certain point and taking away certain food is trying to find said solution.  But when I'm not eating "tons of it" like they told me, just small bowls of it to get my veggies in, I don't understand how this is helping me instead of deterring my health.


I remember a while back when I cried to my dad after being told some news, maybe it was the colonoscopy, that I was done with this all.  I said it again last night.  I'm grateful for being back at work, for being able to interact with people and able to eat and not bed ridden.  But when I have to cut on some of the things I love without getting any sort of resolution, I just don't see the point anymore.  Taking over ten pills throughout the day?  How is that living to a 24 year old?  Because I can honestly say I worry more about when I'm taking my next pill and if I took them all then what I am doing.  And I'm just completely over it all.

April Fools....Days Later

Today, I ended up crying in the middle of my kitchen after getting off the phone with Dr. P.

I'm just very tired of having to deal with all this crap.  She says my INR level is continuing to get lower and asked me what I have changed in my life that would cause this to be happening.  I explained to her that I have been decreasing my steroids while increasing the other medicine so maybe that's what happened.  She didn't seem convinced.  But I really don't know why I have so much faith in what she says because she has not been on the top of her game.


When I originally called the office, they didn't seem to have any idea where the results were.  That's smooth guys, I had the thing done on Wednesday.  Then, I was told by Dr. P. that I had to call the office within 24 hours if I didn't hear from them after my blood work.  Funny, I thought I was going to get sick of her and now she isn't keeping up with her end of the bargin.


I'm tired of feeling like I can't get anything right and that it is somehow my fault.  I guess I will try to cut chocolate, salads and caffeine out of my diet completely (that's another promise that's broken Dr. P).  Today is the first time in a couple weeks that I have broken down to tears, it's not a fun time.  Especially on such a fun/good day!


UConn game after work tonight which means this is going to be the longest day in the history of work days.  And it's a short shift too, which means it probably should go fast.  But the UConn game is on tonight!!! CHAMPIONSHIP GAME.  Ugh I can not contain myself.

Sitting Waiting Wishing

This title is relevant in two completely different ways.  Remember how I said Fridays were similar to American Idol result shows with my INR levels?  Well Dr. P has been failing at giving me said results.  This is the second week in a row that I'm sitting on a Sunday night not knowing what the results from WEDNESDAY were.  Seriously, I understand I got the blood drawn late on Wednesday, but I should know by now.

And watch her give attitude when giving my INR levels like last time because they went low again last week, as if I should know why it isn't staying consistent.  Plus I should be giving her a bit of an attitude for not being more prompt with my results.

I'm seriously over doctors.

The SECOND thing I'm waiting for is tomorrow night at this time.  Which means I'm outta work and waiting for the UConn game to begin.

Last night I watched UConn beat Kentucky to get into the championship game tomorrow evening.  The game was not pretty by any means, I was made fun of by my friends for taking it so seriously.  In the final moments I was so nervous I turned my back for a few seconds so I didn't have to watch.  But we won!! And I love this picture of Kemba; it's rejoicing after a hard fought battle (or just a difficult game because it really wasn't that great of a Final Four game) to come out on the road to the championship game.

And Butler's coach? Completely reminds me of a my boss.  I asked him today if he gets that a lot.  He kinda laughed and said he's heard it a few times.

So here I am waiting for results.  One that directly affects my health, body and well being, and the other that doesn't necessarily affect my health, but my well being and happiness? One could say that is possibly.

I think I'm okay with people thinking I'm weird about my love for the Huskies

Insert Ranting Title About the Snow Today

Right now, my younger brother is in warm Miami while it's snowing in Connecticut.  It's fine.  I'm not bitter at all.

Today I get to have some blood work done.  YAYYYY.  I can not WAIT till I don't have to do this weekly blood work.  You know it's bad when the lady no longer asks for your name and knows exactly where your paper work is in the folder.  But it was the bitch lady that I had spoken about all those weeks ago and she has grown a personality.  At least she is more talkative and isn't such a bitch.  Thinking about it now though, maybe she wasn't so much a bitch but I was just overly sensitive.  Who knows.

My knee seems to be a little swollen today.  Either it's from standing while at work last night, or it's just I don't know what I'm seeing and beginning to see problems that do not exist.  I'm leaning more towards the second one.

PS Let's talk about all the bad things happening around here.  A dead body found in a park on the town line.  Then someone killed by a bus up at my old school.  Crazy crazy news within a day.  Not a fan at all.

Friday=American Idol Feelings

I have realized that the morning after blood work tends to feel like a results show of American Idol.  Now let me explain because this comparison may seem to be a stretch.

With American Idol, you perform and you don't know how you do.  You know the results you hope you will get, which are all positive of course, but you know you can always be thrown that curve ball to give you completely negative news.  The hopefuls have to wait a day until they find out the results, and throughout that time, nerves are at an all time high.

Same can be said for when I get blood work.  I go in with high hopes of getting good results and an INR that stays where the doctor wants it.  I wait a full day before I hear anything from the doctor, and anxiously await a phone call in the morning (typically Friday) to give me my results.


That being said, my INR is once again where it is supposed to be (YES! I rock!) and I should be staying with the dosage of medicine I am currently taking.  Dr. P however seemed to forget the amount of Warfarin I was taking and I had to kindly remind her.   Totally fine.


P.S. my favorite time of year has begun.  TOURNAMENT TIME.  Anyone see that great performance by Uconn?  And the wonderful news that Louisville lost?  I was at work and couldn't watch that little triumph but I was SO HAPPY to hear....unlike all those with screwed over brackets.

Small World

I finally have something in common with someone famous.  Who you may ask?

Serena Williams.  Okay so maybe we don't have a lot in common, but there is one big issue that we do share.  And that is a dreaded blood clot.  Her situation is much more serious then mine but she is a healthy twenty something who happened to have a surgery and decide to hop on a plane.  Probably not the smartest move she ever did because the blood clot grew, but I now share something with one of the most famous tennis stars of our generation.

 

When I first heard about her pulmonary embolism, I could not believe it.  This was exactly what the doctor told me to look out for that first day at the hospital.  In the above article that I linked, it says that about 6 million people develop blood clots in a year.  Serena and I are two of those people.  I begin to wonder if she will start to take blood thinners; Dad and I agree she won't have to take the generic but get the brand name.  I wonder if she will begin to worry about INR levels.  Yes, I know these are odd things to wonder, but I'm glad to know I'm not the only weirdo to have blood clots at age twenty.