Let's Play A Little Game

Okay so we are going to play a game.  You have to choose one thing you don't think you can give up cold turkey.  I'll give you a few options.

a. Chocolate
b. Soda
c. Alcohol
d. Salad

If I know people like I think I do, most people would never answer d.  However, that is my answer.  I have basically given up b and c....only having one of each on special occasions.  I'm not a true fan of chocolate; I have to be in the mood for pure chocolate.  It's been hard to avoid the Thin Mints but we don't have as many boxes anymore and I'm trying to avoid them.  And the rest of candy bars? I've been good.

Salad? Salad is the reason I cried last night; it's the reason that when I get home from work at night I get upset that I can't make a quick salad to eat because it's better then eating all the pasta we have in the fridge.  I mean I have to be healthy, and I'm depriving myself of essential nutrients because I'm not having good balanced meals due to my work schedule.  So I eat salads to have my vegetables.


Ever since Dr. P told me that my INR levels continue to plummet with no idea why they are doing that, I have been trying my very best to not eat salads, and to continue to be semi good with not eating chocolate.  This salad deprivation is what caused another breakdown last night, and what brought me close to tears when I looked in the fridge tonight upon my arrival back home.  You see we have a whole new head of lettuce, and all I want is some of it, but I can't.  It really is such a tease, and I don't know how much longer I can avoid it.  


Truth is we are on month four of this bullshit with no resolution in sight.  I have a flight to Washington booked for July, I need some sort of change.  The doctors have no reasoning as to why my INR level is not therapeutic like it's supposed to be.  They seem to be stumped and I think part of the reason I have been so emotional recently is because there are no answers.  I take pills eight times a day, which basically means I'm taking pills every two hours, or what feels like ALL DAY.  Not only that but the blood clot had not gotten any smaller since the last ultra sound and I won't know how it looks again till the day after Easter.

I was told at the beginning of this thing that I did not have to change my diet.  It's funny we were more concerned about keeping my weight level because of my insides.  After I have seemingly gotten that situated for the time being, now I have to worry about what I'm eating because my doctors can't figure out why my INR is not staying where it should be.  It honestly boggles my mind.  Okay maybe not, I understand they are trying to get it to a certain point and taking away certain food is trying to find said solution.  But when I'm not eating "tons of it" like they told me, just small bowls of it to get my veggies in, I don't understand how this is helping me instead of deterring my health.


I remember a while back when I cried to my dad after being told some news, maybe it was the colonoscopy, that I was done with this all.  I said it again last night.  I'm grateful for being back at work, for being able to interact with people and able to eat and not bed ridden.  But when I have to cut on some of the things I love without getting any sort of resolution, I just don't see the point anymore.  Taking over ten pills throughout the day?  How is that living to a 24 year old?  Because I can honestly say I worry more about when I'm taking my next pill and if I took them all then what I am doing.  And I'm just completely over it all.