The past few days have sucked. To put it mildly. I'm sorry I can't put it in better words but I am brutally honest and that's the hard truth.
Yesterday I found out that once again my INR levels are dropping. I feel like it's the stock market, and nothing I do can stop these stupid INR levels to drop. I'm at the highest level of my Warfarin ever and yet the stupid blood work is not giving me the results I need.
Dr. P wants me to see the Dr. C to determine when I can get off the Warfarin because I have "been on it for four months". I informed her that I was going next Monday and she said that should be fine to wait. I told her that my leg has become somewhat hard which it had not been and that it has been hurting. She told me waiting Monday should be okay.
I cried after getting off the phone with Dr. P. I cried (almost) at Pop's. I cried when I came home from work. Basically I have been in the worst mood ever, that even shopping didn't turn, and have been a hot mess ever since Saturday. Or at least that's when I have come to terms this whole funk has occurred.
It's become very difficult to be positive when nothing is going right. I am basically following everything they tell me to do and yet I get opposite results. The weeks that I was at the INR therapeutic levels? I had had a beer the night I would go out AND had a huge salad. Now I'm not doing either and it just keeps crashing. I'm just waiting for the whole thing to burn and for me to once again not be able to move because they can't figure this thing out. That's the point I have gotten to now. I'm expecting that I will never be fixed.
I was talking to the pharmacist at work last night about Warfarin. She told me that people normally go on 5 mg and become therapeutic and it's rare for a person to go to 10. To go over 10 mg is nearly unheard of. Well guess who is over ten? This girl. She laughed and said you would think I was a 300 pound man or something with the levels that I am already on.
Maybe I really do need to see and talk to someone because right now I don't want to be around people where I have to pretend that everything is wonderful but at the same time I want to be around people. The time I almost forget about everything is when I'm at work and super busy that I don't have to think about it. That and the fact that there are always so many people around that it just makes my mind go blank. It's great. But maybe I really do need someone to sort out everything up there. I just don't know anymore.
Up next: Monday I get the dreaded ultrasound. Which will tell me if this thing has grown or not. I almost feel like it has because it's becoming more obvious that it's there but who knows.
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