Thankful Thursday

I saw on girl meets life a wonderful idea.  I have believed for some time now that we should all take a small break in our on the go lives to look around and be thankful for the beauty that is in on lives. With the difficult past four months, I think in order to move forward, stating what I'm grateful for is the best idea.

Getting emails from the universe every morning.

Hugs from my mother and brother.

Unexpected letters from friends....and writing them to those I love.

A strangers kindness and smiles, especially during difficult days.

A reemergence of summer.  

Justin Timberlake tickets. 

It's the little things in life; especially those things that make my day a little easier. I'm beyond thankful for the amazing people in my life.  If I have learned anything recently, I am surrounded by beautiful people who love me unconditionally.
 

America the Beautiful.

I was sitting in an art class when the principal got on the intercom to tell us that two planes had hit the twin towers.  


I didn't realize how these attacks would change my whole world.  I didn't realize that my "family" would lose such a dear loved one whom they would remember at dances throughout the past twelve years.  I didn't realize the huge impact these attacks would be to our whole lives.

I don't want this whole post to be about those vicious attacks, but rather a celebration of those wonderful souls who were lost on that September day.  To the innocent souls of those people on the planes, in those buildings and all those amazing first responders.

Twelve years ago yesterday, we witnessed one of the most horrific acts against our country in recent history.  We also witnessed the best in our society, how our country came together to support those who went through such extreme loss and tried to restore a beautiful city.

To all the people who lost a loved one twelve years ago yesterday, I want to envelop every one of you in a hug.  And to those souls who were lost that day, rest peacefully; you are American heroes.

I love this Flag of Honor which was featured at the Michael Miller dance in 2011 with all the victims names on it.  What a beautiful tribute.

I am a girl who has always loved music.  Any experience I have can be improved one hundred times more with a good soundtrack. 

Today was no exception.

Today I went to a small time country fair that got struck with a bit of lightening when they enlisted, at the time, a small time country band named Florida Georgia Line.  This band went on to have a number one single that became a mega hit when that song linked up with Nelly and became one of the songs of the summer.

To say I love Florida Georgia Line's music is an understatement.  It reminds me of the wonderful people I hang with on a regular basis.  Such a happy little time, where I can sing at the top of my lungs and dance like a crazy woman.  

Today was the perfect way to end the summer with my loves, seeing a great band, who absolutely ROCKED the show.

And the fact that it was a beautiful day out?  I know I had my angel smiling at me while I danced my heart out.

Best Friends Make the World Go Round.

Ladies and gentlemen.

This weekend, my very best friend is getting married.  And I could not be more excited for her.

I have known Stacey since I started school.  I remember sitting next to her in the circle, maybe because we were sitting in alphabetical order. I introduced myself, and was quickly told that I couldn't be her best friend, because a girl named Amanda knew her longer.

And all these years later, we are all still friends.  

Stacey is my sister in all sense of the word.  We have complained about countless guys, and I'm sure there have been tears.  There have been countless nights out which has started to include alcohol as we grew up.  The most special part of our sisterhood is that no matter how much time passes that Stacey and I don't talk to each other, we pick up right where we left off; chatting away like two little girls from all those years ago.

I remember the day that Stacey brought Brett over to meet everyone.  We were having a party, and Stace was so nervous to introduce Brett to my Dad because she was introducing him to her other father.  And my dad.....God he loved Stacey.  He was so happy that she was getting married.  He couldn't wait to make the journey to New Jersey to watch his other daughter get married. 

I can't wait to see my very best friend, and sister get married this weekend.  I am so honored to watch Stacey marry her best friend and be part of her very special day. 

To Stacey, who I know is one of my number one readers:  I know you are going to make the most beautiful bride.  My dad is going to be right there, watching you with a huge smile on his face.  I love you tons.

Sometimes I feel like I am a ghost of my formal self.  That some how people see the smile or hear the laughter and don't realize that it's all for a show.  Most of the time that smile is trying to hide the tears that want to spill out and the laughter?  That's because for maybe a split second, I forgot how much my heart is broken. 

I don't know if my heart will ever heal.  I'm scared of how I will face life without him.  You have to understand, my Dad was my everything.  The one I turned to when I had a terrible day.  The one I turned to when I wasn't feeling well, or when I just wanted to have a beer when I didn't like work very much.  He was the one who told me I could do anything my heart desires.

Every day is a struggle.  Don't take the smile and laughter for face value.  Most of the time my heart is racing because I think I'm doing the grieving thing wrong, or that someone who sees me is judging me.  Sometimes I worry that people see me as broken, or they will feel pity for me.  Sometimes I am really angry that he had to be taken away; those times are the worst.

I have been told for a few years now that everything happens for a reason.  I just don't know what these life lessons are.  I don't want to constantly be the strong person who has had all these terrible things happen to her.  I hate that.  For once, I want to be the care free girl who seems to have the world at her finger tips.  

I don't know how I'm going to get through this.  These past few months have been one terrible roller coaster and I want off this ride now.

Miss You

The past three weeks, I have been putting one foot in front of another in kind of a fog.  I can not imagine life without you at every turn with some sort of helpful hint or just a twinkle in your eye.  To give me a hug when I had a hard day at work, or when I'm not feeling okay, and telling me that everything will be okay.

The past three weeks have been miserable without you.

Yesterday, I went to visit with Dad and I just sat there and cried.  I'm sure I looked like a lunatic, but I'm okay with that.  I realized a little too late on my journey to the cemetary that I didn't bring any tissues.  I was a plain mess on the walk back home.  It was good to have a conversation with him though.  I miss talking to my dad the most; those were some of my favorite conversations.

Today was my first day back at work, but I'm going to slowly work my way back into the whole interacting with customers thing.  To be completely honest, sometimes it felt as if it was any normal day after a holiday, with nothing out of the ordinary.  But then other times, I wanted to sit in the corner and just cry because I missed him so much.  Then a regular customer, whom I didn't realize knew about Dad, said he was sorry to hear about my father.  It felt as if someone kicked me in the stomach and my whole breath was taking away from me.  I think it's going to be that way for a while, when someone mentions his name and I can't believe I won't actually see you again.   That these people who say they are sorry to hear about this great man that they didn't ever have the pleasure of knowing baffles me.

I'm still wishing for a nightmare.  I would give anything to go back to that afternoon and change everything.  To hug him when I got out of work.  To tell him that I love him and how lucky I am to be his daughter.  And to just hold him tighter, because I truly miss my best friend.

 

I Miss You.

My world stopped on Monday, May 13 2013 around 4:30.

I wish I could explain how empty I feel.  I wish I could explain the pain it is to lose not only your best friend, but your father as well.  My heart was ripped out of my body last week and sometimes, I don't think it will ever be replaced.

I really wish this was all a bad dream.  That tomorrow I could wake up and Dad would be sitting in the living room reading the paper and telling me that there was no Powerball winner and how he changed his spreadsheet for his winnings.  I wish I would get text messages from him in the middle of the night to tell me what channel his favorite movie, Friends With Benefits was on.

I wish I could tell him that I loved him more.  I wish he was making dinner when I was coming home from work and tell me all the different things he did in the garden.  I wish I could see him interact with Mom and saying how much she "hates him" with the sparkle in his eye because he knows for a fact that it is far from the truth.

I wish he was here to hug me when I'm feeling sad about silly people who have hurt my heart or when I have a bad day at work.  I wish he was here to encourage me everyday that I can do better at life, and to encourage me that I should go after my dreams.

I'm so lost without my father and it's only been two weeks.  I cry at the most random times, and just wish he was here all the time.  Tonight, I almost text messaged him to tell him something, I can't remember what exactly, but I had to physically stop myself because I know he won't be able to read it.  Sometimes I think about all the things that he's going to miss in my life.  If I ever get married, or have kids.  Or when I find that job that I absolutely love.  And my heart breaks even more knowing he won't be there to smile at me, or crack jokes.

My whole world stopped that Monday and part of me isn't sure if it ever will really start over again.