Best Friends Make the World Go Round.

Ladies and gentlemen.

This weekend, my very best friend is getting married.  And I could not be more excited for her.

I have known Stacey since I started school.  I remember sitting next to her in the circle, maybe because we were sitting in alphabetical order. I introduced myself, and was quickly told that I couldn't be her best friend, because a girl named Amanda knew her longer.

And all these years later, we are all still friends.  

Stacey is my sister in all sense of the word.  We have complained about countless guys, and I'm sure there have been tears.  There have been countless nights out which has started to include alcohol as we grew up.  The most special part of our sisterhood is that no matter how much time passes that Stacey and I don't talk to each other, we pick up right where we left off; chatting away like two little girls from all those years ago.

I remember the day that Stacey brought Brett over to meet everyone.  We were having a party, and Stace was so nervous to introduce Brett to my Dad because she was introducing him to her other father.  And my dad.....God he loved Stacey.  He was so happy that she was getting married.  He couldn't wait to make the journey to New Jersey to watch his other daughter get married. 

I can't wait to see my very best friend, and sister get married this weekend.  I am so honored to watch Stacey marry her best friend and be part of her very special day. 

To Stacey, who I know is one of my number one readers:  I know you are going to make the most beautiful bride.  My dad is going to be right there, watching you with a huge smile on his face.  I love you tons.

Sometimes I feel like I am a ghost of my formal self.  That some how people see the smile or hear the laughter and don't realize that it's all for a show.  Most of the time that smile is trying to hide the tears that want to spill out and the laughter?  That's because for maybe a split second, I forgot how much my heart is broken. 

I don't know if my heart will ever heal.  I'm scared of how I will face life without him.  You have to understand, my Dad was my everything.  The one I turned to when I had a terrible day.  The one I turned to when I wasn't feeling well, or when I just wanted to have a beer when I didn't like work very much.  He was the one who told me I could do anything my heart desires.

Every day is a struggle.  Don't take the smile and laughter for face value.  Most of the time my heart is racing because I think I'm doing the grieving thing wrong, or that someone who sees me is judging me.  Sometimes I worry that people see me as broken, or they will feel pity for me.  Sometimes I am really angry that he had to be taken away; those times are the worst.

I have been told for a few years now that everything happens for a reason.  I just don't know what these life lessons are.  I don't want to constantly be the strong person who has had all these terrible things happen to her.  I hate that.  For once, I want to be the care free girl who seems to have the world at her finger tips.  

I don't know how I'm going to get through this.  These past few months have been one terrible roller coaster and I want off this ride now.

Miss You

The past three weeks, I have been putting one foot in front of another in kind of a fog.  I can not imagine life without you at every turn with some sort of helpful hint or just a twinkle in your eye.  To give me a hug when I had a hard day at work, or when I'm not feeling okay, and telling me that everything will be okay.

The past three weeks have been miserable without you.

Yesterday, I went to visit with Dad and I just sat there and cried.  I'm sure I looked like a lunatic, but I'm okay with that.  I realized a little too late on my journey to the cemetary that I didn't bring any tissues.  I was a plain mess on the walk back home.  It was good to have a conversation with him though.  I miss talking to my dad the most; those were some of my favorite conversations.

Today was my first day back at work, but I'm going to slowly work my way back into the whole interacting with customers thing.  To be completely honest, sometimes it felt as if it was any normal day after a holiday, with nothing out of the ordinary.  But then other times, I wanted to sit in the corner and just cry because I missed him so much.  Then a regular customer, whom I didn't realize knew about Dad, said he was sorry to hear about my father.  It felt as if someone kicked me in the stomach and my whole breath was taking away from me.  I think it's going to be that way for a while, when someone mentions his name and I can't believe I won't actually see you again.   That these people who say they are sorry to hear about this great man that they didn't ever have the pleasure of knowing baffles me.

I'm still wishing for a nightmare.  I would give anything to go back to that afternoon and change everything.  To hug him when I got out of work.  To tell him that I love him and how lucky I am to be his daughter.  And to just hold him tighter, because I truly miss my best friend.

 

I Miss You.

My world stopped on Monday, May 13 2013 around 4:30.

I wish I could explain how empty I feel.  I wish I could explain the pain it is to lose not only your best friend, but your father as well.  My heart was ripped out of my body last week and sometimes, I don't think it will ever be replaced.

I really wish this was all a bad dream.  That tomorrow I could wake up and Dad would be sitting in the living room reading the paper and telling me that there was no Powerball winner and how he changed his spreadsheet for his winnings.  I wish I would get text messages from him in the middle of the night to tell me what channel his favorite movie, Friends With Benefits was on.

I wish I could tell him that I loved him more.  I wish he was making dinner when I was coming home from work and tell me all the different things he did in the garden.  I wish I could see him interact with Mom and saying how much she "hates him" with the sparkle in his eye because he knows for a fact that it is far from the truth.

I wish he was here to hug me when I'm feeling sad about silly people who have hurt my heart or when I have a bad day at work.  I wish he was here to encourage me everyday that I can do better at life, and to encourage me that I should go after my dreams.

I'm so lost without my father and it's only been two weeks.  I cry at the most random times, and just wish he was here all the time.  Tonight, I almost text messaged him to tell him something, I can't remember what exactly, but I had to physically stop myself because I know he won't be able to read it.  Sometimes I think about all the things that he's going to miss in my life.  If I ever get married, or have kids.  Or when I find that job that I absolutely love.  And my heart breaks even more knowing he won't be there to smile at me, or crack jokes.

My whole world stopped that Monday and part of me isn't sure if it ever will really start over again.

Getting Back to Normal

Ever have one of those perfect moments?  When you back to think about it, all you can do is smile.

That was Saturday afternoon after work.

I went to meet up with my family and brother at a local bar.  We haven't all gotten together in a very long time and it was nice to all sit there, laugh and tell stories about things going on in our life.  It was amazing, especially after all the troubles from last week.  

To be with some of the people I love the most?  In a place that I enjoy a lot?  It was wonderful.

Stay Strong, Boston

I have been at a loss of words for the past week.  The tragic events that have been occurring in Boston this week has left me with a heavy heart and not sure how to express what is going on.

I'm heartbroken for every person who has been affected by this awful tragedy, not only the victims, but those who have been locked down throughout today.

I love Boston.  I've gone several different times throughout the years, and I have always had an amazing time there.  On Monday, I had countless friends watching the marathon.  I had people I know who were running in the marathon.  When I first heard of this tragedy, tears ran into my eyes, worrying about each one of my friends who was in the city for such a magical event.  Because the Boston marathon, from what I hear, is a magical event.  

I was supposed to be there on Monday. A few months back, my friend asked if I wanted to go cheer on her brother.  While I never followed up with her, I had told her I wanted to go because I have always heard such great things about the race.  A whole day where the city is basically shut down to celebrate this marathon?  Who wouldn't want to go to such a celebration.

The city of Boston is once again shut down, but today, it's shut down to hunt for a teenage who has left such fear in not only the people of Boston, but also for the whole nation.  I have been sitting in front of my television all day, trying to understand it all.  

To my friends who are in Boston, you are amazing.  To the people of Boston, you are strong.  Keep your heads held high and know that you have an entire nation praying that this terror ends soon.  I can not even begin to imagine how terrifying it is to hear the sirens constantly outside of my window, and being told not to leave my house.  Boston is such a great city, filled with strength and beauty.  I think we have seen both from the people of Boston this week and it shows the nation the some of the reasons why I love this city.

Growing Up

For the third year in a row, work is doing an Easter Seals fundraiser throughout the month of April.  For the third year in a row, we are doing a bake sale, and I have a Friday night to look forward to baking all sorts of goodies.

Yes, I understand to some this may sound lame, but I am so looking forward to making all sorts of delicious treats, trying out said treats, and hopefully raising a bunch of money for Easter Seals.

Today, I have been searching for recipes all over and can not wait to try them out.  I don't know when I became this little domestic dare devil with baked goods, but I'm willing to try out the role as I see fit.