I Wish Nothing But the Best For You

Growing older is a funny thing.  When I was younger, I only worried about myself.  My own pain.  My own happiness.  My own fun.  I was the center of the universe and everyone should be at my beck and call to make me happy.

As I got older, I realized that I had to start depending on myself and not expect others to worry about how to entertain me whenever I need them to.  But it's not only that.  I realized how much I worry about other people and how other's happiness affects my own.

This year has been a great learning experience for me.  While I was wallowing, I was also worried about how my terrible mood was affecting my family, even though it may not have seemed like it at the time.  I held a lot in during this whole thing because I didn't want to worry my family.  Hence, my hospitalization in April.  But not only that, I didn't want them to worry about me when I was stuck home and they had to go to work.

Same goes for my friends.  I didn't want to ruin their breaks or weekends with my sob stories about how I couldn't move or how painful the freaking clot was.  I never asked for anyone to come over because I didn't want them to be pulled down due to my misfortune.  

At 24 I realized that I am not the center of the universe, and that when other people, my friends, my family and even extended circle is hurt, it makes me really upset.  My mood is affected by those who I care about.  My "inner" circle?  I never want them to be in pain.  I always want them to be happy and with smiles on their faces.

And let me tell you, I understand how difficult it was for my parents this year to see me with the clot and the stomach thing.  Because no matter what, they wanted to see me smile.  And now all I want is to make those around me smile as well.

Diaries from a Power-less Girl Part 1

I had written the following while power was out during the hurricane.  I'm finally getting around to posting these here....

 Generators.


They are a life saver for hospitals and homes that take care of the elderly.  Of government buildings (at least I assume this) so our officials can make informed decisions. And for homes that are destroyed by storms, say like Hurricane Irene.


But my goodness, they are so effin loud.


And sometimes a method of showing off.


Does a generator need to be on all day for you?  Absolutely not.  Should it be on until ten o'clock to light your driveway on a pitch black street?  Probably not.


So this post is basically based off jealousy.  But this storm has brought an early civilization feel that is completely killed when a generator is heard though out the whole neighborhood.


Would it be nice for you to offer the neighbors anything if needed?  Yes.  My boyfriend's family has basically opened their house to me, and my family, even if I'm the only one to take the offer.  But if all I had to do was walk a small distance to a noisy house for a shower, or even a community meal, I wouldn't complain.


More ramblings from a power-less girl to follow....

Come on Irene

I had written the following while power was out during the hurricane.  I'm finally getting around to posting these here....

8/30/11
Boy there is something to be said for 2011.  Everyone always said 2012 was the year the world would end, but I gotta question if this is really the case.  2011 has had some crazy storms, never ending days of rain, an earthquake which I'm still not sure happened (okay okay I know it did) and now a hurricane which has left a wave of destruction on the East coast.  And my family has been without power and water for 48+ hours and counting.

I am currently writing this is the depth of the power outage on my back porch, enjoying a cocktail before it spoils.  Yes, that's right, without power a butt load of beer is going to be tossed because of Irene.  I feel as if that's tragedy enough.

I must count my blessings though, family and friends are all safe and apart from a tree destroying Nana's deck, there is no real bad damage.  Heather and I are still roughing it....no power since Sunday morning.  I had my first shower since before power went off earlier today.  Can I just tell you how amazing that is?  Just imagine having no running water to even flush a toilet and you will know how I have been living.  Well water means we need electricity for water to get into out house.

I volunteer to go into work for the plumbing and to charge my phone.  I wish I was joking.

I don't know when we will get power back or why it's been down.  Tom said a tree is down across the road, but I haven't been that way yet. 

Coming home in pitch black is terrifying, let me tell you.  The stars are beautiful, don't get me wrong, but the sound of generators are sort of a buzz kill.

More on that topic later....

But like I said, I'm glad there is no significant damage to my loved ones.  I'm just crossing my fingers for power to be restored.  And I do not need internet and cable at the moment, just running water would be nice. 

I Could Make Your Bed Rock

An earthquake hit Washington DC and it was felt all the way in Connecticut.

I did not feel such rumblings.

I'm PISSED!

Want to know how I know my friends and I are growing up?

We have started to read and ask each other for book recommendations.  Instead of talking about the different shows we watch throughout the week, or about the nights out in the club, we discuss who has what book and who can get the book next.

So I have read a few books, and wanted to share my opinion about them to whomever still reads this.  To those who know me, I love reading, and while I don't review every one that I have read, I do like to share the ones I enjoyed a lot.

First and foremost is a book that is being made into a movie which is coming out this Friday.

Now before everyone judges me reading this book because it's coming out as a movie, it's been on my list of books I need to read for a while.  Many months ago, I read a blog about books that were turning into a movie and this one was stuck out to me.  This book looks into one day of these two characters lives for twenty years.  Seriously, it's just one day, and you get a little bit about their lives throughout the year but you understand what these two characters endure throughout the year.  I enjoyed this because it shows two friends who make sure to be in each other's lives no matter how different their own roads diverge from one another.

I had one problem with the book and that was the ending.  It was a bit confusing, and by confusing I mean I didn't like how abruptly it ended.  I did have a bit of trouble getting into the book, but when I did I loved it.  I can say however I was terribly disappointed at how it ended.  

I have never read Jodi's books contrary to some amazing things I have heard from friends. I tried to read one, but got bored within a few chapters and called it quits.  This book however, I could not put down.   It was amazing.  I didn't want to hang out with the boy because I wanted to finish this book.  It may have been because the central character had Aspergers and I loved another book that had the protagonist with Aspergers.  This book had each chapter in a different character's prospective and even had different fonts for each character. And I don't want to give too much of the plot away, but everything, from the daily tasks that this family goes through, the the trouble that the trial puts the family in, I loved it.  Seriously loved it.


Now I'm reading another book that I'm not sure what I feel about it yet but it's early yet.  I haven't been reading much recently because I have been going out after work and spending time with the boy before work.  But don't worry I will be sharing more opinions about books I have read.  I really do enjoy both of these books and if any of my friends want to read them, they are more then welcome to borrow them.

Crazy Nightmares Go Away

Last night I had a dream....or maybe it was more a nightmare.  And when I think back to it, I can't help but laugh because it's not really scary.  But during the course of the dream, I was terrified.

Anyway, the dream started with me attending Midnight Madness at Gampel.  I don't know why I was there, only that I couldn't really see everything that was going on.  And I was upset about it because I kept trying to find a place to see properly.  And for those who know me, not being able to see UCONN basketball, unacceptable.

Anyway from Gampel I ended up at the hospital for some reason. I don't know why I was there, only that I was sitting in the room I stayed at when I was in the hospital.  But I was in there with a bunch of doctors, I feel like there were four there, and not one of them were talking to me.  Don't get me wrong, every one of the doctor's were talking, only they were talking to each other.  And there I was on the hospital bed, trying to speak my mind but they were not listening to me at all.  I was basically having a panic attack over the fact that the doctor's weren't listening to me.

It's very telling to how I felt while I was at the hospital back in May. Only thing is I was having this dream in August and I can not for the life of me understand why I'm having this dream now.  I haven't really had any visits with a doctor who piss me off.  I mean I have to call Dr. I about the blood work results from last week, but that's only because they didn't send it to him directly like they normally do.  That I am fine with.  But the idea of me talking without being hear?  Not a fun feeling, let me just TELL you.

To some this may not feel like a nightmare, to me I woke up with a start. Not only did I not understand what was happening to me, but I also did not like feeling like I wasn't being heard.

Sometimes, I Need to Get Out of My Own Head

There have been times in my life that I pull away from my friends.  Or at least in my head I pull away from them, for no reason in particular, but I don't talk to them as much or hang out with them as much.  Like I said, there is no particular reason I do this.  Part of me believes that I want to see who is willing to break down these walls.  But I don't think it's fair or nice to put your friends through tests.

Another part of me wonders if I do this because I don't like to get too close to people.  Throughout my life, a lot of people I have been close with have gone away without any explanation.  Perhaps our friendship wasn't as strong as I had originally thought, but maybe I do this whole wall thing because I don't want to be hurt like I have been.

I'm not going to say I am in a funk like I was when I was sick because I am not.  I'm happy.  The only thing that is missing for me though is my friends.  And it's mainly my fault because I'm doing the backing away thing.  If you are reading this and telling me I'm crazy, I already know this.  But I feel like I have not seen or talked to anyone in months which makes me really sad.

This group of friends I have now are unbelievably supportive.  They have been there throughout the Henry stage, they were there the week I was in the hospital, and they just are always there if I ever need anything.  But I haven't been hanging out with them as much as I used to and I don't know why I'm doing that.

I promise to do better for the rest of the summer.  Or at least try.  Because I really do miss my friends.  And the calm nights we have....and don't laugh, because compared to a few nights in recent weeks, we really do have calm nights.

So to my friends who may still read this, I'm sorry I have not really been hanging out with you or getting in touch with you.  Know that everyday I think about you all and do miss having you in my daily life.  I wish I could explain why I suck at keeping in touch, but I really do....exhibit A. is Stacey, the one friend I kept when I moved outta New Haven.  Love you guys more then you know