Yesterday the world lost another amazing guy to leukemia.
I've been numb since I read the text messages this morning. It's silly because I have only hung out with Christian a handful of times, and yet I burst into tears multiple times today.
Sometimes I just don't get it. Why are there so many amazing people who are taken away from us and yet people who don't exude happiness and all that jazz are still around. He was amazing. He always smiled. Always. In the handful of times I have hung out with him, he just shined. You wanted to be around him. And from what I have seen on his facebook and the group about him, everyone else believes that as well.
If I am busy, then I don't think about it. If I sit around, I can't deal with it. I said multiple times today that it was one of those days that I needed to just stay in bed and sleep all day.
And I'm absolutely terrified to go say goodbye to him. I regret so much not going to see him a few weeks ago. And now I have to go say a final goodbye.
Christian, you were an amazing guy....seriously one of the few honestly good guys. And I am so blessed to have gotten to know you. Even for a little time. I hope you finally find peace from this difficult battle in your life. You will be truly missed and have inspired so many people around you.
Showing posts with label bad mornings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label bad mornings. Show all posts
Monday, February 27, 2012
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Crazy Nightmares Go Away
Last night I had a dream....or maybe it was more a nightmare. And when I think back to it, I can't help but laugh because it's not really scary. But during the course of the dream, I was terrified.
Anyway, the dream started with me attending Midnight Madness at Gampel. I don't know why I was there, only that I couldn't really see everything that was going on. And I was upset about it because I kept trying to find a place to see properly. And for those who know me, not being able to see UCONN basketball, unacceptable.
Anyway from Gampel I ended up at the hospital for some reason. I don't know why I was there, only that I was sitting in the room I stayed at when I was in the hospital. But I was in there with a bunch of doctors, I feel like there were four there, and not one of them were talking to me. Don't get me wrong, every one of the doctor's were talking, only they were talking to each other. And there I was on the hospital bed, trying to speak my mind but they were not listening to me at all. I was basically having a panic attack over the fact that the doctor's weren't listening to me.
It's very telling to how I felt while I was at the hospital back in May. Only thing is I was having this dream in August and I can not for the life of me understand why I'm having this dream now. I haven't really had any visits with a doctor who piss me off. I mean I have to call Dr. I about the blood work results from last week, but that's only because they didn't send it to him directly like they normally do. That I am fine with. But the idea of me talking without being hear? Not a fun feeling, let me just TELL you.
To some this may not feel like a nightmare, to me I woke up with a start. Not only did I not understand what was happening to me, but I also did not like feeling like I wasn't being heard.
Anyway, the dream started with me attending Midnight Madness at Gampel. I don't know why I was there, only that I couldn't really see everything that was going on. And I was upset about it because I kept trying to find a place to see properly. And for those who know me, not being able to see UCONN basketball, unacceptable.
Anyway from Gampel I ended up at the hospital for some reason. I don't know why I was there, only that I was sitting in the room I stayed at when I was in the hospital. But I was in there with a bunch of doctors, I feel like there were four there, and not one of them were talking to me. Don't get me wrong, every one of the doctor's were talking, only they were talking to each other. And there I was on the hospital bed, trying to speak my mind but they were not listening to me at all. I was basically having a panic attack over the fact that the doctor's weren't listening to me.
It's very telling to how I felt while I was at the hospital back in May. Only thing is I was having this dream in August and I can not for the life of me understand why I'm having this dream now. I haven't really had any visits with a doctor who piss me off. I mean I have to call Dr. I about the blood work results from last week, but that's only because they didn't send it to him directly like they normally do. That I am fine with. But the idea of me talking without being hear? Not a fun feeling, let me just TELL you.
To some this may not feel like a nightmare, to me I woke up with a start. Not only did I not understand what was happening to me, but I also did not like feeling like I wasn't being heard.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Been Up Since 4:30
After many requests to what is going on in my life, I have decided to be productive this morning by making a wonderful little post for those people that still check this thing on a regular basis. I promise I will post again later this afternoon because I have a few ideas of posts, especially things I need to vent about, but for now it's just something to do because I have been up since 4:30 and I can not fall asleep for a few more hours before work. I already win for the most epic day of the week.
Last week I went in for a CT scan and I'm not sure if I had posted anything about that. I think I did a blog right after, but nothing about the results. My doctor told us the change from the first to the second really did not happen, the swelling was still the same. I was under the impression that this scan was going to tell us a little more but it didn't. However, it did allow the doctor to give us some options on treatment. The first option was to continue just the pills that has taken away the pain in my stomach, which would not treat it exactly but would keep the pain away. After a month if nothing changed, then I would have been prescribed steroids which the doctor felt would actually treat and hopefully reduce the swelling and make everything better. He also gave us the option to take the steroids now, which is what we chose because we want this to be treated as soon as possible. I mean a month and a half is a long time to have to deal with this. It's going to be almost two months of the whole stomach thing in about less then 10 days. Crazy to believe huh?
I have been on steroids since Monday. In addition to the steroids, I take the stomach pain medicine and my blood thinners for my blood clot. Basically I am taking a ton of medication in hopes that everything gets better.
Unfortunately I can not say that my spirits are always so high. I seem to always break down on Sunday nights, crying to my dad about either embarrassments from the weekend, no change in my health or just being overtired or whatever, but I have been crying every Sunday for the past few weeks now. It's not to say that I have not been enjoying my life, because I had a very enjoyable night out with Meggie and Amy on Saturday to celebrate my dear dear Amy. But I'm just over not feeling one hundred percent and I seem to get that fed up point on Sunday nights.
I have been working a lot which I love because it keeps me from worrying about my insides, and seemingly doing better throughout the day. However, it is not doing well for my leg at all. I have been working later shifts, which means the swelling in my leg which was anticipated is happening. But because I'm working later shifts, I don't have as much time at night to elevate the leg and in the morning I can't elevate it because I have to get ready for work. Thank goodness that tomorrow I only have to work five hours after a busy day of blood work and a doctor appointment. Then I have two days off to make sure that my leg is able to recover a bit, or at least I hope to not do a whole lot with it but rest it.
It's seven o'clock and I'm sitting listening to the radio, after seeing a lovely coyote in the backyard. If the coyote messes with my dogs though, it's going down. I already warned it through the window.
I'm expecting to crash by two. I'm also hoping to get out a little early. One could wish for some luck change soon.
Last week I went in for a CT scan and I'm not sure if I had posted anything about that. I think I did a blog right after, but nothing about the results. My doctor told us the change from the first to the second really did not happen, the swelling was still the same. I was under the impression that this scan was going to tell us a little more but it didn't. However, it did allow the doctor to give us some options on treatment. The first option was to continue just the pills that has taken away the pain in my stomach, which would not treat it exactly but would keep the pain away. After a month if nothing changed, then I would have been prescribed steroids which the doctor felt would actually treat and hopefully reduce the swelling and make everything better. He also gave us the option to take the steroids now, which is what we chose because we want this to be treated as soon as possible. I mean a month and a half is a long time to have to deal with this. It's going to be almost two months of the whole stomach thing in about less then 10 days. Crazy to believe huh?
I have been on steroids since Monday. In addition to the steroids, I take the stomach pain medicine and my blood thinners for my blood clot. Basically I am taking a ton of medication in hopes that everything gets better.
Unfortunately I can not say that my spirits are always so high. I seem to always break down on Sunday nights, crying to my dad about either embarrassments from the weekend, no change in my health or just being overtired or whatever, but I have been crying every Sunday for the past few weeks now. It's not to say that I have not been enjoying my life, because I had a very enjoyable night out with Meggie and Amy on Saturday to celebrate my dear dear Amy. But I'm just over not feeling one hundred percent and I seem to get that fed up point on Sunday nights.
I have been working a lot which I love because it keeps me from worrying about my insides, and seemingly doing better throughout the day. However, it is not doing well for my leg at all. I have been working later shifts, which means the swelling in my leg which was anticipated is happening. But because I'm working later shifts, I don't have as much time at night to elevate the leg and in the morning I can't elevate it because I have to get ready for work. Thank goodness that tomorrow I only have to work five hours after a busy day of blood work and a doctor appointment. Then I have two days off to make sure that my leg is able to recover a bit, or at least I hope to not do a whole lot with it but rest it.
It's seven o'clock and I'm sitting listening to the radio, after seeing a lovely coyote in the backyard. If the coyote messes with my dogs though, it's going down. I already warned it through the window.
I'm expecting to crash by two. I'm also hoping to get out a little early. One could wish for some luck change soon.
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