There are times that I think about that day and it honestly takes my breathe away.

The pain comes in, and I can't stop every moment from that day replaying in my mind.

Every day I miss you more.  Sometimes, I hear your voice cheering me on and every day I hope I make you proud.

But more then that, every single second, I wish I could have you back in my life because this pain is not something I'm ever going to get used to.

Miss you pops.

Let it Be.

One of my greatest fears is getting a flare up due to my ulcerative colitis and unfortunately, it seems like I'm in the midst of one now.

There are some diseases or conditions that people suffer every day that we don't know the type of struggle they face day in and day out.  Every time I hear of someone with the same condition as me, a part of my heart breaks because I know the pain they can suffer if their medications don't work. 

At the current time, mine seem to be failing me.

Unfortunately, this means that I often have to justify the pain of eating because I need to enjoy the taste of the food rather then avoid it and deal with the hunger pains.  I have to deal with the looks of concern from my mom whenever I have pains in my stomach that makes me need to pause a show we are watching.  And I have to be a rock of strength during the especially tough times because I don't like having this condition be a weakness.

A few weeks ago, when my face broke out like crazy, I found out that I was on some "big" medications for such a "young girl".  Not going to lie, those confessions from the nurse practitioner and another doctor scared the crap out of me.  These medications that wear down my immune system? Yeah, not very much fun.  The medication that makes me tired all the time?  I love not being able to work a normal nine to five job without being exhausted by the end of the shift.

Ulcerative colitis is something I would never wish on one of my enemies, let alone to anyone I love.  I am lucky to have a great support system whenever these lows come around to try and make me smile, and forget just for one moment that I am not normal.

 

Thankful Thursday

I saw on girl meets life a wonderful idea.  I have believed for some time now that we should all take a small break in our on the go lives to look around and be thankful for the beauty that is in on lives. With the difficult past four months, I think in order to move forward, stating what I'm grateful for is the best idea.

Getting emails from the universe every morning.

Hugs from my mother and brother.

Unexpected letters from friends....and writing them to those I love.

A strangers kindness and smiles, especially during difficult days.

A reemergence of summer.  

Justin Timberlake tickets. 

It's the little things in life; especially those things that make my day a little easier. I'm beyond thankful for the amazing people in my life.  If I have learned anything recently, I am surrounded by beautiful people who love me unconditionally.
 

America the Beautiful.

I was sitting in an art class when the principal got on the intercom to tell us that two planes had hit the twin towers.  


I didn't realize how these attacks would change my whole world.  I didn't realize that my "family" would lose such a dear loved one whom they would remember at dances throughout the past twelve years.  I didn't realize the huge impact these attacks would be to our whole lives.

I don't want this whole post to be about those vicious attacks, but rather a celebration of those wonderful souls who were lost on that September day.  To the innocent souls of those people on the planes, in those buildings and all those amazing first responders.

Twelve years ago yesterday, we witnessed one of the most horrific acts against our country in recent history.  We also witnessed the best in our society, how our country came together to support those who went through such extreme loss and tried to restore a beautiful city.

To all the people who lost a loved one twelve years ago yesterday, I want to envelop every one of you in a hug.  And to those souls who were lost that day, rest peacefully; you are American heroes.

I love this Flag of Honor which was featured at the Michael Miller dance in 2011 with all the victims names on it.  What a beautiful tribute.

I am a girl who has always loved music.  Any experience I have can be improved one hundred times more with a good soundtrack. 

Today was no exception.

Today I went to a small time country fair that got struck with a bit of lightening when they enlisted, at the time, a small time country band named Florida Georgia Line.  This band went on to have a number one single that became a mega hit when that song linked up with Nelly and became one of the songs of the summer.

To say I love Florida Georgia Line's music is an understatement.  It reminds me of the wonderful people I hang with on a regular basis.  Such a happy little time, where I can sing at the top of my lungs and dance like a crazy woman.  

Today was the perfect way to end the summer with my loves, seeing a great band, who absolutely ROCKED the show.

And the fact that it was a beautiful day out?  I know I had my angel smiling at me while I danced my heart out.

Best Friends Make the World Go Round.

Ladies and gentlemen.

This weekend, my very best friend is getting married.  And I could not be more excited for her.

I have known Stacey since I started school.  I remember sitting next to her in the circle, maybe because we were sitting in alphabetical order. I introduced myself, and was quickly told that I couldn't be her best friend, because a girl named Amanda knew her longer.

And all these years later, we are all still friends.  

Stacey is my sister in all sense of the word.  We have complained about countless guys, and I'm sure there have been tears.  There have been countless nights out which has started to include alcohol as we grew up.  The most special part of our sisterhood is that no matter how much time passes that Stacey and I don't talk to each other, we pick up right where we left off; chatting away like two little girls from all those years ago.

I remember the day that Stacey brought Brett over to meet everyone.  We were having a party, and Stace was so nervous to introduce Brett to my Dad because she was introducing him to her other father.  And my dad.....God he loved Stacey.  He was so happy that she was getting married.  He couldn't wait to make the journey to New Jersey to watch his other daughter get married. 

I can't wait to see my very best friend, and sister get married this weekend.  I am so honored to watch Stacey marry her best friend and be part of her very special day. 

To Stacey, who I know is one of my number one readers:  I know you are going to make the most beautiful bride.  My dad is going to be right there, watching you with a huge smile on his face.  I love you tons.

Sometimes I feel like I am a ghost of my formal self.  That some how people see the smile or hear the laughter and don't realize that it's all for a show.  Most of the time that smile is trying to hide the tears that want to spill out and the laughter?  That's because for maybe a split second, I forgot how much my heart is broken. 

I don't know if my heart will ever heal.  I'm scared of how I will face life without him.  You have to understand, my Dad was my everything.  The one I turned to when I had a terrible day.  The one I turned to when I wasn't feeling well, or when I just wanted to have a beer when I didn't like work very much.  He was the one who told me I could do anything my heart desires.

Every day is a struggle.  Don't take the smile and laughter for face value.  Most of the time my heart is racing because I think I'm doing the grieving thing wrong, or that someone who sees me is judging me.  Sometimes I worry that people see me as broken, or they will feel pity for me.  Sometimes I am really angry that he had to be taken away; those times are the worst.

I have been told for a few years now that everything happens for a reason.  I just don't know what these life lessons are.  I don't want to constantly be the strong person who has had all these terrible things happen to her.  I hate that.  For once, I want to be the care free girl who seems to have the world at her finger tips.  

I don't know how I'm going to get through this.  These past few months have been one terrible roller coaster and I want off this ride now.