Thursday, January 13, 2011

Kick 'Em While Their Down

I thought I was going to come on here and have some truly amazing news.  Today I walked up the stairs.  Granted it was with the help of my crutches, but I did it; I didn't have to jump up on the stair with the good leg.  I was so so excited.  I had been walking around on my foot, getting used to using my leg again with my crutches and then the stairs happened.  I thought GREAT this is progress.  The blood work is going to tell the doctors what is wrong with my stomach and they are going to fix that too and I'm going to be good.

I should know that my life is never simple. I mean I'm an almost 24 year old who has multiple blood clots in her leg, who has been bored out of her mind for weeks, and who has something weird going on with her stomach.

I guess I was wrong thinking that it was just the medicine causing the stomach problems.  Tomorrow I was looking forward to going to happy hour for my dad.  Now I have something else to look forward to: a CT Scan to see what's going on.  Then an ultrasound on Monday. And another one the following week.  And next week I'm supposed to return to work.  Aren't I a lucky girl.

Obviously I balled my eyes out when I found out about the CT Scan.  My dad had spoken to the doctor earlier today and she had only said ultrasound.  Nothing about any scan where I have to go inside something.  The office must have called three or four times today because they didn't seem to have everything straight.  If you don't know what you are doing exactly, then why am I going to get a CT scan tomorrow?  Why can't it just be a stupid ultrasound instead? Why does life have to keep playing these sick sick jokes on me?

I can't stop crying whenever I think about it.  I want people to visit me. I don't want to be alone anymore and feel so lost because it's scary to hear about all these things and just be left alone with your thoughts.  I love my parents immensely for all that they are doing for me but I can't laugh and joke with them like I can with my friends.  I want a normal life again.  I don't want to have to leave the happy hour tomorrow cause it might be "too much" for me. I want to be able to leave that and then have a fun night out with my friends full of laughter and jokes.  But I know that won't happen.

Dad asked me today if I wanted to get better just at the hospital.  I cried and said no, that would be scary.  Which it would, but I have to ask myself if I had stayed at a hospital would this all be done faster? Would they have started these tests with my stomach before three weeks after it had been an issue?  There are so many questions that I will never know the answer too.  But maybe a stay at the hospital would be better. Who knows.

This week continues to suck. But in a little bit I get to go see my Mare which brings a huge smile to my face. 

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