Sometimes I feel like I am a ghost of my formal self.  That some how people see the smile or hear the laughter and don't realize that it's all for a show.  Most of the time that smile is trying to hide the tears that want to spill out and the laughter?  That's because for maybe a split second, I forgot how much my heart is broken. 

I don't know if my heart will ever heal.  I'm scared of how I will face life without him.  You have to understand, my Dad was my everything.  The one I turned to when I had a terrible day.  The one I turned to when I wasn't feeling well, or when I just wanted to have a beer when I didn't like work very much.  He was the one who told me I could do anything my heart desires.

Every day is a struggle.  Don't take the smile and laughter for face value.  Most of the time my heart is racing because I think I'm doing the grieving thing wrong, or that someone who sees me is judging me.  Sometimes I worry that people see me as broken, or they will feel pity for me.  Sometimes I am really angry that he had to be taken away; those times are the worst.

I have been told for a few years now that everything happens for a reason.  I just don't know what these life lessons are.  I don't want to constantly be the strong person who has had all these terrible things happen to her.  I hate that.  For once, I want to be the care free girl who seems to have the world at her finger tips.  

I don't know how I'm going to get through this.  These past few months have been one terrible roller coaster and I want off this ride now.